As where’s ‘Ol Sandy Duncan when Yuhs need her? And
why did A little Dab will do Yuh spring to mind?
We last left off with Preston Henry Winchester
III, the guiding force of the Canamax concern. Most notably the Armani Canamax
Champ Car team having implored His hired counsel of Dumfries, Duquione and
Duncan to enforce withering, punitive monetary damages against His nemesis’s
scourge. Err championship winning driver Jonathan Truxbury!
Yet instead, Truxbury and arch rival Betuzi
Motorsports, and more notably team owner Chester’ have run roughshod over the
entire Champ Car field once again. This time seeing Truxbury win ten races
enroute to His fourth title, or was it five? Since the BM Champ Car team was
currently unstoppable…
Mr. Winchester, Gerrard Duncan’s on line three.
Yes Gerrard, I agree. We’ve got no other choice
than to proceed with the litigation in the High court of Cornwall. Yes, I’ll be
there for the proceedings…
Audrey, tell Roscoe Snow to please see me. And
tell Hugo I need to see Him toot sweet! Yes Mr. Winchester, although Hugo’s at
the Gym right now.
Hugo Marques was of average height for a former
Champ Car driver. Barrell chested, with a clean shaven head, bushy black
eyebrows, inquisitive brown eyes and a pugnacious nose.
As the former Iron Maiden 5000 winner had run
His last race for the ever improving Armani Canamax racing team, albeit a loose
wheel nut had caused Him to finish P27…
Winferd’, as many called Him collegially. Had
initially hired Hugo to be the team’s Sporting Director, before elevating Him
to the vacated Team Principal position. As Garret McCloud had left to spend
more time in His vegetable garden. Before
joining the rival Champ car operation, now renamed as Torrez Waltrip McCloud
Racing.
Hugo, a fitness fanatic, during His free time
could be most likely found in the team’s state-of-the-art Gym doing one handed
push-ups, usually in sets of 100!
Yes Boss, you wanted to see me. Yeah Hugo, I’ve
got to go to Cornwall next week to sue the BeeGees’ out of that Fucking
Truxbury! Meaning you’ll be in charge while I’m gone. As perhaps you can spend
some QT’ with your protégé Bryan Boxer. Since finishing 23rd won’t cut it next
year!
If you need to get ahold of me, have Audrey
call me. No, don’t use your encrypted SpartoCuss account. As I hear Elroid’s
got a bug up His tea kettle with Billy Jo Bradshaw and is monitoring it for any
devious behaviour. Since Elroid’s still got the exclusive contract with
Washington for His Neptune Satellite system. And tell Roscoe to come in.
Roscoe, I need you to contact your Dad Cletus
for me again on your old fashioned Ham radio, Err CB. No, don’t worry, Thars
nobody at the FCC these days to monitor your transmissions. Just tell Him to
meet me at the Mockingbird Cafe again.
Yeah, I know its not located in Memphis where
His favourite haunt Graceland’s at. But the Mockingbird does a mean Hushpuppies
brunch. And there’s always leftovers for His Hoond Butch…
Audrey, have the jet pick me up in Charlotte.
As I need to check in on our Sports Car Boyz’. Then to Italy to pick up the
last of my hand sewn Georgio Armani four piece double breasted suits. Since I
need to look sharp for court.
Hello Snowman, thanks for meeting me again Yes,
I already ordered Butch His own plate of Hushpuppies…
Look, I need you to make a few deliveries for
me. We had to take a bloodbath of Nabisco products, which doesn’t concern you.
Well, we thought we had a deal as title sponsor with a certain Champ Car
driver, Oh Never Mind!
Yeah, I know you’re strictly a Kenworth man.
But we’re trying to keep this somewhat anonymous, even though our fearless
leader’s favourite colour is gold. But you’ll be needing a refrigerator trailer
for some of these errands. So we’ve leased you a 2024 artic white Cascadia
sleeper cab.
Yes, its even got what I’m told is a super
comfortable Murphy bed in the sleeper, with plenty of room for Butch…
Know you’ve got family in Bucksnort who work at
the local Fireworks plant, but there’s no time for a visit Cletus.
You’ll find your Big rig waiting for you in
Weehawken, loaded and ready to go. No the Port Authority won’t give you any
trouble. As Wade Wetterly, Billy Jo’s Lieutenant General has already had His
office contact them.
Ok, if you really need to know, we’re writing
off a Shit, Err Shipload of Nabisco products. As I need you to take the
truckload of Nutter butter, Mega Stuffed Oreos, Fudgebusters, Triple Double
Neapolitan Oreos, Big Stuff Oreos, Rocky Road and Chunky Monkeyd Ice Cream to
the Bradshaw’s vacation house. While His wife Bianca likes the Bite Size Oreos,
Irish cream Ginger Snaps and Wheat Thins, I’m told…
Yep, you’ll head directly south to deliver all
of these treats to Billy Jo’s Mullbury Manor in the Florida Keys. And make sure
you keep Butch inside the cab, since I hear there’s Gators’ down Thar!
Nah, don’t worry about the Toll roads. I hear
that ever since Billy Jo shut down the local mall in DC, and sent everybody
home on Holiday. There shouldn’t be anybody to collect the Tolls…
But make sure you leave some of that El
Speciale Fizzy water at Mullbury. As I hear that Wade’s a Cat person and
Bianca’s feline only drinks bottled water. And make sure you keep it nicely
refrigerated, say 45 degrees Fahrenheit?
Then I need you to drop off a couple of pallets
of that Aqua Tyre Minerale at Homestead, where Hugo and the Armani Canamax
Boyz’ should be giving Enrique Capelli an evaluation day’s testing. No, you let
the team worry about what that gaseous mineral water’s for…
Next stop is the Gulf of Arkansas, even if it
comes from Across the Border. And pick up a dozen live Blue Crabs.
Just pour some of that Aqua Tyre Minerale into
a cooler and put it inside the Sleeper compartment. Hell, I don’t care what you
feed ‘em. Although I hear they do enjoy Popeye’s Fried Chicken. Exactly, I’m
sure Butch likes Popeye’s too!
As I promised my wife Jillian some fresh crabs
for dinner, as She doesn’t like turkey…
Then up to Delaware. As Billy Jo should have
shot His pet Turkeys by then! No way Fred and Barney are getting pardons this
year. Although He’ll probably have His friend Cristina Nomeski over to take
care of them!
No just leave the Crabs and freshly butchered
turkeys with me. Our Chef knows what to do with them! As we’re having company
over. Hell, we’re stuck hosting the team again, Shite!
And then take the truck back to Freightliner’s
factory in Oregon. As it’s a good thing we’re using transportation built in
America!
But just be careful in the Rose City. As I hear
they’ve got Bearded women in Flannel shirts trying to save the trees
eating granola wanderin’ the streets up there!
Hell! Billy Jo’s sendin’ the Calvary to
Portland! I hear that the Screamin Eagles, you know, the 82nd Airbourne’s gonna
show those Tree Huggers what happens when they FAFO!
And then have somebody give you a lift to PDX,
where you’ll find a first class seat booked for you and Butch to fly back to
Indianapolis for dinner at our house. Yeah, your son Roscoe will be there too.
And of course Butch is welcomed.
As we’re having Crab Cakes and Turkey for the
main course, and plenty ‘O Coors beer too…
For the previous
Canamax Capers installment. Please visit the following No Fenders link below.
Rotten
Tomatoes, or should that be Tamales?
