Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Golden Tailpipe Awards 2.0: Streamliner edition

"RADD!" A Modern Day interpretation of the Golden Submarine originally made famous by Barney Oldfield, debuted at the 2008 SEMA Show. (Image source:
Yeehaw! Thar Back Y'all... Oh Goodee, righto? Chirp-Chirp...

Yeah, I know, Thars' a Quad-zillion variations 'O these on Ye 'Ol "Intrawoods" as Juan' Sappy Grease; Err Gas Monkey calls I-T! Y'all know Al Gore's wondrous invention, which may or may not now be runnin' at full speed anymores; Did somebody say Smores? Uhm-Uhm, Sprinkles; Hya!

As I've hemmed 'N hawed over whether to do this again or not? Having skipped doing this the past few years, albeit I have begun draft versions that have languished fermentin' here in Nofendersville. With the last edition being uncorked Circa three seasons ago...

Alas, after having unleashed some unbelievable Monstrosities upon Y'all, and inspired by the simplicity of the Speed Freaks annual Freakies' Awards.

Although ALL of my totally Un-Scientific Choices were made prior to theirs, having crystallized following the season finale Yawner at Yabba Dabba Du, aka Abu Dhabi's riveting Grand Prix...

Hence, I'm attempting to cut down my selections & winners choices in a somewhat Streamlined format this year, from what just came to mind initially, without any judicious studying, deliberating, etc; as my final tiding 'O 2017.


1. Driver of Year
Winner: Takuma Sato
Yeah, I know the European Press is all Ah-wash over somebody named Lewis, but how can you simply NOT be impressed by Taku-san's daring performance, ultimately leading to victory at Indianapolis this year, especially as the Over looked veteran Andretti runner!

Other Choices
"The Usual Suspects," i.e.; Formula One's, Indy Cars, Sports Cars et al "Top Hitters"

2. Race of Year
Winner: Petit Le Mans
The simple choice would be the Indy 500, but that's too easy, especially since it's Uh Contendah' every year. thus, instead, I'm going with Petit Le Mans, especially since it was a gripping race, almost all 10hrs, not to mention full of cautions and lots of Driver Brain Fades interspersed with Team Penske's return.

Other Choices
Indianapolis 500, Circuit de la Sarthe, Azerbaijan & Mexican Grands Prix, Watkins glen & Texas IndyCar races...

3. Car of year
Winner: Porsche 919 Hybrid
Otay, this is probably the funniest category for Mwah, since I'm Freakin Blind! and therefore can NO longer see what they look like... As I'm attempting to base my choice upon the technology "W-O-W" Factor! here.

Alas, naturally the Uber' technical Le Mans LMP1 Hybrids & F1 "Hybrid Synergy" cars R-R-R' topping Thy list. Choosing Porsche over Toyota's LMP1 chassis for its winning capability vs. a faster racecar!

Other Choices
Toyota TS050, Mercedes W08EQ+, Cadillac DPi VR, ORECA 07, Ford GT, etc.

4. Story of Year
Winner: Fernando to Americre'
Although I find Brittany Force's NHRA Top Fuel Championship result being more appealing, Y'all simply couldn't escape the Mega' Media thrash; Err Scrum, Uhm, Spotlight upon Fernando Alonso contesting this year's Indianapolis 500, or McLaren's audacity to endorse it, having found Thyself quite mesmerized over this unusual happening.

Other Choices
Brittany Force's Top Fuel championship, McLaren's Ugly Honda Divorce, Martin Truex's NASCAR Championship, Porsche's unbelievable third Le Mans W', Ford's unexpected WRC Championship

5. Sportsperson of Year
Winner: Kristina Nielsen
Ha-Ha, fooled Yuhs! Since even though Missy Brittany's Top Fuel championship is immense. I'm giving the nod to the Dane' instead. As Christina Nielsen's Championship was her second in-a-row, against Works efforts in a lesser funded Scuderia Corsa Prancing Horse squadra, Correctomundo? As I'm happy to hear that Christina will return next year in a new cockpit for more IMSA GTD (Daytona) competizione.

Other Choices
Brittany Force, Dovi', Brendon Hartley, Katherine Legge, Bill Auberlen, Sebastian Bourdais, Townsend Bell

6. Freak of Year
Winner: Valentino Rossi
"The Doctor's" already a Freak' just by being the Elder Statesman in MotoGP, and at twice the age of much of the grid, continues winning. But what gave him the nod here was his unbelievable Comeback from suffering a broken leg in multiple places, during a training session, and then returning to competition in an unthinkable 21 days later!

Other Choices
'lil sid Viddle's (Seb Vettel) Baku Bash, RASSCAR Ambulance On-track, Daniel Ricciardo's Shoei', Scott Dixon's IMS Flight, SeaBass's Mother Speedway Qualie' wreck & subsequent season ending comeback...

7. Rider of The Year
Winner:  Andrea Dovizioso
Although I didn't get to S-e-E; Err listen to a single lick 'O MotoGP on Ye Telie' State side's Bein' Uhm? Invisible; Oh Never Mind! For Mwah the rider that I've known as Dovi' for years, Thanxs to departed Yank rider ELBOWZ', aka Ben Spies, albeit in typical Tomaso fashion I'd speeled it DOVY' for years; but I digress...

AnyHoo, this somewhat unheralded Italian Kneedragger, now 31, arguably had the season of his career in MotoGP, scoring an amazing six victories en route to being runner-up to that Pinball Wizard Dude! With both tied at six W's apiece.

As I especially enjoy the fact that it was Dovizioso being the top lion at Ducati, over the revered triple MotoGP world champion Jorge Lorenzo, his team-mate.

Other Choices
Marc Marquez, Maverick Vinales, Valentino Rossi, Johann Zarco

8. Personality of Year
Winner: Patrick Stewart
drinks Shoei at Montreal; Hooah!

Captain Picard's typical, witty, dry, brilliant Thespian performance as le Circuit Gilles Villeneuve's Kuhnaidiun GP podium interviewer, where he literally begged for a drink from Dan Ricciardos race warn boot was simply the best part of the entire darn Bloody race! Leaving me hard pressed to think of any other candidates for this selection.

Other Choices
Takuma Sato as Japanese GP Post-race Podium Interviewer...

9. Quip of Year
Winner: Kevin Magnussen
Suck My Balls, Honey!

As how can I embellish any better upon K-Bacs' Zinger, other than by noting: Bacon' Fries Hulkster! Yowza!

Monday, December 25, 2017

F1 Driver's Secret Santa Gift Exchange

Ah, who sez' that the Formula One Boyz' don't get along with each other...

Ever wonder what the rival Formula 1 Drivers exchange with each other for Christmas? Whale', here's a somewhat hilarious recap of this year's gift exchange on Yas Isle at the season ending Abu Dhabi Grand Prix.

Happy Holley 4-barrel Holidazes...

'Ol Santa Foyt driving the Chevy' Pace Car round Mother Speedway before Thar were Christmas lights! (The Tomaso Collection)
Groan, he's at it again... Another wacky poem from a much overused theme..

But it's The Phillips's Not Quite 66's Fault; Hya! As what can get Yuhs more into the festive mood than Christmas at Mother Speedway, Eh!

As may be it was ye Eggnog... But I'd already had my favourite Two Hosers on thy Mind... NO! Not thee Mayor 'O Hinchtown and thou Young Wicky! Nor Scott "What Pace Car?" Goodyear & Jacques V.

Nope instead, per tipicali this time 'O year, those loveable KuhNucks Bob & Doug always come to mind, along with thar signature version of a certain Christmas song.

On the First Day 'O Carmania, 'Ol Carroll shelby Grumbled Squarely at Me;
Son, Thar better be Juan 'O my Darn Blasted Contraptions in your Pitiful Song!

On the Twelfth Day 'O Carmania, 'Ol shel Grumbled to Thee,

12 Long's Doughnuts
11 X Rows of Shiny Dallara's
10Speeding Ferrari's
Nine BOSS Mustangs
eight 'lil E Diecast's
Seven Bars 'O Geddy Lee

Six Carling Black Labels'
Five Aston Martin DB's'
four Borg Warner Trophies
three Diamantina Cocktails'
Two Saleen Mustangs
And a Bad Arse 289 FIA Shelby Cobra underneath thou Tree!

As this witty repartee from Thy Isle 'O Nofendersville was inspired by Bob & Doug McKenzie, for which they'd definitely say; Take Off Eh!

And to All who read thy Blog a Very good Night! Felice Navidad and Merry X-Mas! Since after all, It is the most wonderful; BARF!  


(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer CARPETS')