Friday, May 31, 2013


Although I’m loathe to even begin to need dipping into the “Checkers or ‘Reckers” BULLSHIT! Currently occupying the mythical Airwaves in regards to this year’s Indy 500 finishing under a Gulp! Yellow flag, as Trackside with Kevin & Cavin’s ‘Kurty Cavin brought up an interesting tidbit ‘bout how three of the past four races finishing under yellow would have finished exactly the same under the FREAKIN’ RASSCAR GWF rules; BARF! Nevertheless, can Y’all simply knock this SHIT off! As in it’s the Indy 500! NOT the Indy 502, 507.43, 512.69, etc.

As I’d like Y’all to further consider that incorrect grammar above of “Checkers or ‘Reckers,” Yee Haw! As in the last word is WRECKERS... As surely the Team Owners who pulled a Palace Revolt last year upon Randy “the CandyMann” Bernard over the topic of parts costing too MUCH would be in favour of this? I mean, if Y’all need more excitement and wanna see more WRECKS, than perhaps Yuhs should switch over to the Wide World ‘O RASSCAR! Or even better yet, “Professional” (Snicker Snicker) Wrasslin,’ eh?

Now I typically try refraining from saying too much about Kevin Lee, but upon listening to Wednesday night’s Trackside, I found myself yelling at the ‘Confuzer “SHUT UP KEVIN!” As his insidious idea about instigating a rules package for denoting when a Red Flag can/cannot be used to stop a race in order to facilitate track clean-up in order to ensure a Green Flag finish is nothing more than a Sow in a Blanket with a Summer’s Bonnet shading its snout dress-up version of the Green-White Finish of RASSCAR Roundy-round fame! So, please CUT I-T OUT, Kevin! As I know you love to stir the pot, but really? Perhaps you should look up the definition of what a Red Flag is traditionally used for.

I mean what’s next? If we’re gonna use faux Red Flags to ensure Green-White Finishes; then why not throw in Competition Yellows? Yuhs know in order for everybody to come into the pits together so nobody gets an unfair advantage, as after all shouldn’t A-L-L 25-26 IndyCar drivers get purple; Err Blue ribbons for starting the race? After all everybody’s a winner, right? SHIT! What’s next, the ‘Rucky Dawg and cautions for Phantom debris?

I mean if I wanted to watch a bunch ‘O Stockcar Bombers playin’ Pinball I’d go watch them for 16hrs on F-O-X, right? As I never, ever, ever thought I’d hear I-T in the stands at Mother Speedway, but there I-T was on Raceday with less than ten laps remaining when some Yeahoo fan yelled: “Boogity-Boogity-Boogity; Let’s GO Racing boyz,” BARF! As somehow I thought I was at an IndyCar race...


More Indy Hoopla: Buddy’s the Man!

This Pic was taken a year ago (2012) during a very enjoyable casual conversation with the late Dr. Who and 1996 Indy 500 winner Buddy Lazier - who was not only kind enough to chit-chat & sign an autograph but grant me this photo...

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

More Indy Hoopla: ”Symona-Symona”

This autograph was procured by CARPETS last year (2012) when spotting Simona de Silvestro on her way to the Last Row Ball party, when she was kind enough to stop by our table momentarily and sign this for Mwah...

(Autograph Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

More Indy Hoopla: ‘Uncle Bobby

Still cannot get over having my picture taken with the ‘legendous ‘Uncle Bobby, nee 3-time Indy 500 winner Bobby Unser, who directed Mwah on which way to stand for best picture.

And NO Dave, I didn’t ask him anythingy ‘bout punching Police ‘Ossifer’s, getting Arrested, getting lost on a Snowmobile, stealing a tank or lighting a Jaguar - car, NOT cat on fire; Hya!

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

IndyCar Trivia Answers

So did Y’all figure out my zany Mother Speedway trivia questione? Which was probably way too simple, eh? Especially for the likes ‘O Geo. Phillips, thee OLD-est IndyCar Blogger on thy planet; Hya! So here goes nothin’

Q1) What do Marshall Teague, A.J. Allmendinger, Bobby Johns, Andy Hillenburg, Lee Roy & Cale Yarborough, Frank “Rebel” Mundy and Bobby and Donnie Allison ALL have in common?

Q2) Who did Tim Richmond replace in Indy Cars and where did he make his NASCAR debut?

Q3) What California Oval track preceded Fontana and who was the first driver to exceed 200mph there?

Q4) Who has the most victories and which team won the most races at the Pocono 500 from 1971-89?

Q5) When was the last time that more than 33 cars raced at Indianapolis and who was the final qualifier?

Q1) They were ALL ‘RASSCAR drivers FIRST before contesting the INDY 500, albeit Frank ‘rebel Mundy failed to make the race - just threw him in since I knew he’d tried at Indianapolis from my ‘Mega Blue Crown spark Plug Saga story...

Q2) Richmond replaced Larry Rice at Watkins Glen following his IndyCar debut at Michigan in 1978 en route to becoming the 1980 Indianapolis 500 Rookie Of the Year before jumping to ‘RASSCAR two months later, making his Roundy-round debut at Pocono...

Q3) Ontario Motor Speedway was the ‘Seester Oval track to Indianapolis, even going so far as sharing a ring of those famous Culver city “Pavers” (bricks) from which IMS got its moniker the Brickyard in it’s victory circle.

In 1972 Seattle native Jerry Grant became the first driver to officially exceed 200mph by doing so in that season’s California 500-miler race... 

Q4) ’Ol ‘SuperTex, nee A.J. Foyt won the 500-miler race in Long Pond, PA four times (1973, 1975, 1979 and 1981) while thee ‘captain’s team, aka Roger Penske won an astounding seven times: 1971, Mark Donohue; 1977, Tom Sneva; 1980, Bobby Unser; 1982, ‘85, ‘87,Rick Mears; 1989, Danny Sullivan.

Interestingly, Foyt won in “three” different chassis, with his first two wins coming aboard his own Coyote-Ford before switching to a Parnelli-cosworth and then a March-Cosworth.

Also, Pocono holds the dubious distinction of being Honda’s debutant IndyCar win when Bobby Rahal’s Truesports Lola-Judd won in 1988, albeit Judd was the forbearer to the official Honda Indy Cars engines...

Q5) Due to the infamous 25-8 rule enacted by Tony George for his ‘lil Indy Racing League, which I’ll not digress terribly other than I used to call it thee inDEE Retirement League amongst other nefarious names...

Thus in 1997, due to ‘The Split and George’s promises to IRL teams, even if their cars were SLOWER! Thus Lyn St James started P34 and Johnny Unser rolled off in the 35th and final starting position, as apparently both were granted entry into the B-I-G Show driving for Hemelgarn, albeit I’d naturally ARSE-sume that St James was driving for legendary Backmarker team owner Dick Simon.

Ironically the ’97 I500 race would be Unser’s best finish of his six starts at Mother Speedway, crossing the Yard ‘O Bricks in 18th place...

Thursday, May 23, 2013

No Fenders falls Afoul of the Sequester...

The Editor (Head Scribe, Cook and Chief Bottle Washer) of nofenders arrives at the Indy airport under high security! (DOB)
Due to thy monetary constrains of the Financial Backers of the No Fenders Empire needing to make serious Budget cuts to curtail its outrageous and wild spending spree... Thus No Fenders will be in Sequester “Lock Down” mode for the following week in order to allow for your humble No Fenders scribe to partake in another Madcap Adventure to Mother Speedway instead...

Therefore due to the Sequester, there will be NO Blog service, Facebook or Tweets the following six dazes... Oh wait a moment, that’s right, I DON’T do FaceUhmBook or the TWIT-ER thingy, nor own a laptop and thus I’ll be incommunicado thru next week when I’ll return with the riveting Trivia Questione answers.

Enjoy the 500 and GO Oriel, Justin, Kyle, Ed and Joseph!

(Photo Courtesy of currently Furloughed No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Motorsports Trivia Questions

Has been a long time since I’ve tried this, so I’m hopefully making it more concise along with being a triple header, a la this year’s reconstituted Triple Crown; NO! NOT that Triple Crown but the much ballyhooed B-I-G 3 Oval races of Indianapolis, Pocono and Fontana - which means I’ve already given Y’all a pretty big clue...
Question 1)
What do Marshall Teague, A.J. Allmendinger, Bobby Johns, Andy Hillenburg, Lee Roy & Cale Yarborough, Frank “Rebel” Mundy and Bobby and Donnie Allison ALL have in common?

Question 2)
Who did Tim Richmond replace in Indy Cars and where did he make his NASCAR debut?

Question 3)
What California Oval track preceded Fontana and who was the first driver to exceed 200mph there?

Question 4)
Who has the most victories and which team won the most races at the Pocono 500 from 1971-89?

Question 5)
When was the last time that more than 33 cars raced at Indianapolis and who was the final qualifier?

And NO! Sorry George, you’re not included in this; Hya!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

INDY 500: 2013 PreQuil - Almost Time to GO Racing!

Otay, so now the field’s set and all that’s left is to try not putting a wheel wrong during the final Pre-race practice session during this coming Friday’s Carb Day, as here’s a look at what are some of the potential story lines to this year’s 97th running of the Indianapolis 500...

Qualifying ‘Schmoll-uh-Fyin’
So did Y’all watch this past weekend’s riveting Qualifying show? As I’ve already ranted on ‘bout how excruciatingly exciting ‘Boomp Day was, right? As thee BEST part of the entire weekend was FAST EDDIE, aka Ed Carpenter winning the Pole vs. five Andretti’s and three Penske’s in the  Fast Nine Shoot-out; wait, where is I-T? And what’s this Horsey wrap-up SHIT!!! As can Fast Eddie GO ALL      THE     WAY?

Ladies du Jour
Although we weren’t  originally quite at the dizzying heights ‘O four Femme Fatales competing in this year’s I500, as Y’all know, Thy Leggy ‘Juan made a very late splash in the IndyCar pool by “Boompin” a very distraught Michele Jourdain Jr. from the field upon her first day of driving an IndyCar this year...

Thus, although perhaps? Much to do will be made over this being the first time ever that two females have been teammates at Mother Speedway with the pairing of Brazil’s Ana ‘BIA Beatriz and England’s Pippa Mann who raced against each other previously in the Indy Lights series both starting the race for Dale Coyne Racing. (DCR) As you’d somewhat expect the fourth female “Symona-symona” (de Silvestro) to be the leader of this quartet in the supposedly “stronger” KVRT concern. With Simona fielding a ‘Chebbie vs. the DCR Dynamic Duo’s and third Schmidt Hamilton Peterson Motorsports Honder’ lumps.

While I’m guessing many will be watching to see which of the two DCR drivers comes out on top while Justin ‘B-I-G UNIT Wilson should enjoy being the (Man) meat of this sandwich, eh? As theoretically ‘BIA should fair better since Pippa’s been out of the cockpit for a year-plus. Yet I’m actually far more interested in seeing Katherine Legge finish ahead of either one or both of the Dragon Racing Boyz instead...

As anybody who’s been following this year’s field, Y’all will know that there’s four highly touted rookies contesting this year’s Indy 500 - with a pretty diverse background being split between two ‘Yanks, another Columbian and a ‘Frenchie.

Thus in alphabetical order our contestants for R.O.Y. honours are A.J. Allmendinger, Conor Daly, Carlos Munoz and Tristan Vautier, as you’d have to say that Daly and Munoz are the least “experienced” ‘lad’s of this lot regarding piloting the B-I-G CARZ.

And although Allmendinger was previously a Champ Car Star upon winning five races in his final season ‘Wayback in ‘Twenty-oh-Six, and did run on an Oval, nonetheless things have changed in the seven year hiatus he’s taken from Open Wheel Racing in favour of Stock Cars.

Yet AJ has gotten testing time along with a Road course & Street circuit race this year aboard his No. 2 Team Penske mount and should benefit immensely from some three-time winner named ‘HULIO! Whilst title favourite Will Power looks to put his season back on track at the Speedway.

Conor Daly seems to be the most unique rookie this year, as he actually missed Opening Day weekend due to his “Day Job” getting in the way, as Conor’s racing in the European GP3 series once again for ART whose season just so happened to be commencing in Barcelona, Spain at the same time.

Yet, Daly did test briefly for ‘SuperTex at Sebring earlier this year and surely must be encouraged to be piloting the No. 41 A.J. foyt Enterprises chassis after the remarkable role lead driver Takuma Sato’s on at the moment - currently leading the points standings after finishing 1st and 2nd the past two races. Yet I suppose that Conor’s just relieved to be in the field after being the only driver to wreck prior to Carb Day, along with losing an engine.

Carlos Munoz looks set to become the fourth Columbian to race at IMS by my very unscientific research, as I know very little about him other than he’s currently plying his trade in the Indy Lights “Feeder” series for Andretti Autosport, who’ll he’ll make his Big Carz debut for this May, as I’m ARSE-sumin’ he’ll be doing the “Double” this year - as in running the Freedom 100 on Carb Day before racing again on Sunday aboard “Mikey’s” 5th wheel, the No. 26 “Double-A” machine, albeit Munoz was the fastest of Andretti’s five qualifiers on Pole day!

Frenchman Tristan Vautier is this year’s only rookie contesting the full Indy Car Series campaign for Sam Schmidt’s second car, the No. 55 Schmidt-Peterson Motorsport entry and has looked overly impressive so far in his first four outings by being unbelievably quick. Also seems to have nerves ‘O steel after having crashed three separate times over the Sao Paolo weekend before motoring to a 16th-place finish.

Vautier along with French teammate “Symone Pagenoe” (Simon Pagenaud) were originally hoping to benefit from the addition of 2004 I500 winner Buddy ‘Hotrod Rice as the team’s third entry this May, who subsequently turned down the ride and then Katherine Legge joined  the team instead...  

Miracle on 16th Street?
Otay, this is just a little Feel Good Mojo for the No. 22 Panther DRR entry of Oriel Servia, as Dreyer & Reinbold co-owners Dennis Reinbold & Robbie Buhl have announced the team will shut down immediately after Indy if no additional sponsorship is found. As I’ve gotta pull for ‘Ol “suitcase” Servia who’s an ex-CART/Champ Cars BAD ARSE who deserves better!

Servia has been competitive at Indianapolis before, most recently sweeping to a fourth place finish last year while he also has a knack of qualifying up front on this historic oval and it’d be the perfect Cinderella story to this ‘lil IRL team that began with the long forgotten farm implement sounding Nissan Infiniti motors in the back of its ‘CRAPWAGON...


The Usual Suspects
And every year it seems the debate with Indiana Bureau Chief Daniel Baines Cooper is the same, i.e.; there’s ONLY 5-6 cars that can win which typically comprises of the Penske’s and Ganassi’s, although so far for this year, you’ve definitely gotta throw Andretti Autosport into the mix, with three of its drivers running consistently up front, i.e.; RHR, ‘Hinch and Marco, while I’d have to say Viso and new-boy Munoz are outside threats.

Thus on this premises, then the following should be the top prospects for drinking the buttermilk in victory lane come Sunday, May 26th: Dario Franchitti, Scott Dixon and Ryan Briscoe; Helio Castroneves & Will Power; Ryan Hunter-Reay, Marco Andretti and James Hinchcliffe. And I think you need to throw ‘TK (Tony Kanaan) into the conversation as well, thus giving us nine bonafied contenders.

Yet, Takuma Sato seems to be needing to be considered as well as ‘FAST EDDIE, nee Ed Carpenter, while I’m certain there’ll be somebody who’s a surprise, as I seem to recall that Justin Wilson was near the front last year in the Minnowesqe DCR entry - while could a rookie win his debutant outing? Or can J.R. Hildebrand recapture his 2011 magic? And I suppose we shouldn’t leave out his teammate Townsend Bell either, eh?

As I guess that’s why we’ll run the race, right? As I won’t try being so bold as thee OLD-est IndyCar Blogger Geo. Phillips by casting a prediction on who’ll win, although I’d like to see Oriel Servia pull off the shocker for the reason listed above, not to mention seeing ‘TAG (Alex Tagliani) have his moment of glory, or Wilson, Sato or HELL, even Kanaan, as I’ll be sportin’ my support for a most unlikely candidate instead, having just obtained a No. 20 “Parkin I-T!” Bryan Clauson T-Shirt to wear race day instead, as that’ll hopefully ‘Cornfuze a few Indianan’s, eh? As I can always claim I thought I-T was a FAST EDDIE tee instead; Hooah! (Especially since Clauson didn’t get an invite to the B-I-G dance this year...)

 Otay, now I’ve gotta go get ready to catch an Aeroplane bright ‘N early tomorrow morning!

Monday, May 20, 2013

5-minute Major Penalty for NBC Sports Network!

So, I do NOT ever-ever-ever want to hear any more bellyachin’ about the horrendous TV ratings of NBC Sports Network regarding Indy Cars... After their atrocious bungling of this past weekend’s “Souper doopier” Pole Day weekend, where duh “Peacock lite” inexplicably managed to cut away from the first five cars - including eventual Pole winner Ed Carpenter’s lone qualifying runs in favour of some STUPID ARSE horse race recap; YUK!

Oh, but it gets better, as the following day, when turning on le  Telescreen at 9:12AM Pacific I was totally ‘Cornfuzed over why some third  tier hockey game was on; WTF? Hmm? Oh dear, hopefully NOT a Stanley Cup Playoffs replay??? Nope, instead it was the magnanimous Men’s World Hockey Bronze medal game between Finland and U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A; Oh Never Mind! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot indeed! As the announcer proclaimed there was six minutes left in the ten minute overtime; F%%K! WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THE WORLD HOCKEY LEAGUE!

And our intrepid friends over at IMS Radio Network weren’t immune from the bungling of the weekend’s coverage either, since I thought I’d logon to their “live” audio feed instead while waiting out the FRIGGIN’ hockey match; BUTT N-O! I gave up after multiple repeated attempts of clicking upon thee “Play” button at 9:21AM as there  wasn’t any FREAKIN’ sound; Can You Hear Me Now?

And speaking ‘bout their audio, having switched over to the IMS Radio Network broadcast via at 1:30PM Pacific, (Saturday) when NBCSN had to duck away for two hours of Preakness Pre-race Goobly-gock; SPEW! In mid sentence of Nicky ‘Salt Yeoman’s interview with James Jakes, the best performing RLLR entry, somebody inexplicably pulled thee plug and the interview went dead, and the sound reverted to just Mother Speedway’s PA system for some 20mins-plus, which was entertaining since every time Dave Calabro gave out the speed it was muted by the roar of an engine - saying Pippa’s On I-T! And she’s turned a lap of 224 blank-blank-blank...

Then as NBCSN had to scoot off for 30 MORE ‘My-nutes of its Wall-to-Wall Horsey race, Leigh Diffey told everyone to run over to instead for live coverage and HOLY TIN CUPS BATMAN!!!

For about the first 5-6 drivers their Driver Analyst Davey Hamilton sounded like he was talking thru a tin cup in an old timers telephone booth, i.e.;  garbled to say the least...

And one more thingy Messer Diffey; note to self. I-T ISN’T a “Genuine Bump Day” when there’s only ONE “Bumpee...” As I’m really tired of the overly manufactured HYPE trying to be generated over Indy Cars ‘BOOMP DAY! And Hype in general...

Which includes ‘Wee “willie Buxom” (Will Buxton) trying to build up the major strides his employer is making towards Formula 1 Stateside, by proclaiming on Trackside with Kevin & Cavin how impressive it was that NBC was precluding its Sunday morning News Shows in favour of airing the Monaco Grand Prix.

Uhm, Gee Will, guess what? DON’T know what timezone you’re living in but  Four FREAKIN’ thirty AM (Pacific) is usually a time slot for some amazing Infomercial like thee Total Gym Workout with Chuck Norris & Christie Brinkley instead...

Thus, when duh Peacock lite finally wrapped up its ‘lil Hockey game and returned from its five minute major penalty Sunday morning - We were greeted by Conor Daly making his qualifying run followed by G. Willikers Rahal and his Midas touch mobile on screen at 9:30AM, which means I have NO idea of how many of the ‘Boomp Day ‘Qualie runs we missed seeing? But I’m guessing at least half, eh?

And lastly, I don’t wanna say ‘Boomp Day wasn’t exciting; YAWN! But my new somewhat more cynical side was left ponderin’ what's the real scoop behind Schmidt rolling out a 3rd car on 'Boomp Day? Just a clever way to keep focus off of Honda's being so "Slow?" Or just a way for Sam Schmidt to pad his pockets a little bit, since I doubt Thy Leggy 'Juan gets to keep the prize money, eh?

As I definately think there's a story there since Sam even admitted to thy 'Wee "Willie Buxom" (Will Buxton) that originally the third Schmidt Peterson Motorsports (SPM) car was to help ensure there'd be 33-cars in the race a la Ed Carpenter Racing's (ECR) #40 entry. Since after all IRL Founder ‘TG (Tony George) did proclaim that: “33’s Only a Number!”

Which perhaps Y’all are wondering by this point why I bothered watching/listening to this weekend’s riveting Pole Day weekend, right? Because I guess some small tiny portion of Mwah still cares; especially since I’m going to the race again.

Yet I’m just left wunderin’ would FOX treat its ‘RASSCAR broadcast the same way? Or would an F1 broadcast on NBCSN receive such shoddy treatment? Which if the powers-to-be at comca$t are really trying to promote F1, then how come there isn’t a rebroadcast of the race on Tuesday morning on NBCSN a la how SPEED used to do so even when their Big Brother FOX had the race on Sunday? Since I cannot record more than one channel at a time, I’m forced to choose between qualifying or the race; not to mention choosing between thee M-O-S-T exciting Indy 500 in history, which seems to be the Procostinator’s yearly battle cry; Oh Never Mind!

As I can only wunder if the world of Open Wheel Racing will ever truly receive the proper attention it deserves sometime in the future? As in like actual honest-to-goodness “live” ‘Qualie shows for Indy Cars - not to mention the availability of more than one car on ‘Boomp Day...

Bump Day Pics: Who’s Number One?

The #20 on top of the scoring pylon, aka the Pole for you pacific Coasters...

Yeah ‘CARPETS, us Left Coasters don’t have any scoring pylons like that at Portland International Raceway; Hya!

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Bump Day Pics: ’SuperTex in the House

A.J. (Foyt) in golf cart heading to Pit lane. NO word on whether or not he was going to tell rookie Conor Daly he’d made the show or in search of one of those ‘Wurld Famous IMS Tenderloin sandwiches instead...

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Bump Day Pics: ’BIA at Speed

Ana ‘BIA Beatriz heading into Turn 1 at 225 mph on second lap of qualifying run. As the likeable Brazilian will roll off P29 Sunday, May 26th...

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Bump Day Pics: Buddy’s Ride

The Lazier Racing Partners Car #91 heading towards the Pits; now all this car needs is a sponsor!

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Parnelli’s Hat on Pole, Mears Milk bottle second and Riveting Bump Day coverage P3...

So that’s your row-1 lineup for the just concluded ‘Boomp Day, which I’d say was almost as riveting as those Dazes ‘O Yesteryears... Y’all know when A.J. Foyt and Tony Stewart conspired to “Rev Up” the aforementioned day by blowin’ ‘Smoke UP our Backsides by potentially entering Stewart into a Foyt racecar to potentially fill the field.

And thus I found it funny that the escapades of this year’s Legends Day honoree Rufus Parnelli Jones Stetson hat he lost 50-years ago garnered more stories than Bump Day in Sunday’s IndyStar wall-to-wall motorsports coverage, which included a story ‘bout Rick ‘the Rocket Mears reclaiming his first milk bottle; YIKES! Can Y’all say S-L-O-W News Day?

INDY 500: Revisiting the 2012 Race Weekend, Part 3

Obviously I’d be very happy to have survived the incredible H-E-A-T of the day, as although I’ve been in hotter, like when painting roofs in Arizona in 112-degrees... I simply don’t recall being so DAMN HOT in ages - which would have been much more bearable if Takuma Sato had pulled off the unthinkable...

Sunday, May 27
96th Indianapolis 500 Race
Dave woke me up the earliest of the lot, at 7AM I believe... As there’d be five of us going to the track in one vehicle today; ‘Whale as close to the track as we could get parking-wise before hoofing it in the remainder of the way from Dave’s super “SECRET” parking spot. As I really don’t recall much anymore ‘bout race day other than it was H-O-T! It was so DAMN HOT that we did the unthinkable and went for breakfast inside the Brickyard Crossing restaurante simply to seek the shelter of AC as long as possible before going outside into the inferno!

Thus we missed the majority of  the pre-race ceremonies - standing in an ultra slow moving security line, which bummed me out ‘cause we were supposed to get our Wheldon white shades tribute glasses in order to commemorate Dan’s legacy as the missing reigning I500 champion on laps 25 & 98; Hey! I want my cheesy cardboard knockoffs! As the fans were supposed to put their shades on stand-up and honour ‘DannyBoy on those two laps...

Ex-CART/IRL Driver and IndyCar team owner Bryan “HighSpeed Hurdles” Herta at speed whilst piloting Dan wheldon’s 2011 I500 winner at IMS. (DOB)
And it was funny, since for my third Indy 500 outing, you guessed I-T! I was sitting in my third different seating locale, this time in what seemed an overly crowded Turn 2 which was a bit ‘O a PAIN trying to climb up the multiple steps and slither my way ‘round the curving bleachers with my white cane - which oh by the way were bright silver aluminum; CRIKEYS! Let’s see, record expected temperatures + shiny aluminum seats with NO shade; can you say H-O-T! Hey have I mentioned how FREAKIN’ HOT it was on Raceday yet? Hee-hee-hee...

Seem to recall that everybody stood up for the race’s pace laps and we did get to see Bryan Herta do a solo lap in Wheldon’s Twenty Oh eleven winner, which was kOOL! As opposed to being cool, since the only thingy remotely C-O-O-L was the FROZEN water bottles Dave had brought for us - which remarkably were so FROZEN that it took forever for the ICE to melt; YIKES! HOLY ICECUBES BATMAN!

And having already been told what everybody knew by Tim Wardrop, aka “Dr. Who” previously in the Flagroom, the two “Powered-by-Judd” (Lotus) machines were woefully underpowered and weren’t expected to go the full race distance, as Dave had joked two day’s prior to Dr. Who if we should bring some sort of debris to throw on track when it appeared that “Mean Jean” (Alesi) was about to be lapped; Hya! (As obviously I’d NEVER suggest throwing any type of debris on a racetrack - especially where they’re traveling at over 220mph!)

Thus after the first few laps had passed and everybody had sat back down, albeit thee Mayor ‘O Hinchtown made a nice pass for the lead right in front of us, the 33-cars simply looked like one enormous jumbled up blurb ‘O multiple colours, kinda like dumping a bunch ‘O Skittles outta a bag... shush; DON’T tell Marshawn that I’m dumping his Skittles; Hya! (Inside Seattle Seahawks Marshawn ‘BEAST Lynch joke...)

Let’s get ready to rumble - 33 angry Dallara DW12’s forming up nicely during the Parade laps. (DOB)
‘whale actually it was just the first 31-cars that looked like a multi-coloured rainbow to my ‘Jellybean vision, as I could actually make out the last two cars - with the two ‘Luddi’s running alone and even got more excited as I could make out the solitary black Dallara DW12 chassis of Alesi’s Fan Force United car versus Simona de Silvestro’s multi-green racecar, which contrary to popular belief wasn’t glowing in the dark; Hya!

And although a fan of Simona’s, I was rootin’ instead for Alesi, Dr. Who and the Fan Force Boyz to win the intra-engine duel between these two slow moving Loti’s, albeit I think Alesi was running stone last?

And I think first ‘Symona-symona was forced to retire and then Alesi’s car vanished too - as they’d both been black flagged due to not being fast enough on track, which in a nutshell was the Bain of the Lotus experiment, eh?

Editor’s Note:
Dammit Bill, I’m a Blogger! (Somewhat clever Trekkie twist upon his multiple Star Wars references...) Oh wait a minute; I AM the Editor, cook, chief bottle washer; Yada-yada-yada; Hur-hur-hur! As according to Pressdog, while I did have Simona & Alesi in the right positions, i.e.; P32-33 with de Silvestro leading Alesi; the Frenchman was called in on lap-9 with the Swiss Missile being black flagged on lap-10, both for being too slow and impeding the field’s progress with Alesi’s top speed being 203mph and Simona’s 205 - while everyone else was motoring along at 220mph...

Another noticeable cue to Mwah, albeit of a different sort of sensory mode came in the forms of audible and smell to me, as first off it was amazing how ghostly silent Mother Speedway became when a full course caution was  thrown and all of the whump- whump- whump- whump- whump- whumpp passing noise of the gynormous IndyCar Freightrain dissipated.

Yet even more distinct was the almost cloudlike wafting of burnt, shredded, blistered ‘Flinstone rubber passing overhead some thirty seconds  plus after the ensuing accident had occurred - as the track was silent with nobody at speed on the track’s backside and NO cars to be seen whilst awaiting the unwanted tow hook!

But I know I did a little Happy dance when ‘BULLY-RAY’S ‘CHEBBIE DONE BLOWN UP! Ah, poor Hunter-Reay, who was my new Number-1 villain last year, as I’ve begrudgingly admitted the lad’s got talent, especially how he persevered over Will Power for the title last year; as so far this season I simply don’t have any HATE! To which I know ‘R’s (Robin Miller) motto is “Hate is Good!” But I just feel like the steam’s gone outta Mwah and nobody’s really done anything super devious yet. Hmm? May be the gloves will come off either in Detroit or Toronto?

And I do remember how GEEKED! The entire crowd got over ‘FAST EDDIE’s mesmerizing March to the front, as I believe he got as high as P3 before looping it against the wall, and hence scratch off another candidate for the little guys done good category.

Which speaking of that, think Brian Clauson crashed again? As he’d done torn up one of Sarah Fisher’s cars during qualifying, as it’s a shame he won’t be back in 2013, since he’s a great personality, whilst I don’t recall what happened to SFHR’s primary driver Joseph Newgarden? Think his Chevrolet let go on him too? (Actually Clauson just looped I-T without hitting anythingy, but went a lap down and was a non-factor the rest of the race. Officially scored as P30 retiring due to Mechanical on lap 46...)

Another time the cavernous Speedway grandstands erupted was when the wily ‘TK Follow-your-Schnoz (Kanaan) lit his afterburner and sliced ‘N diced his way from fifth to P1 on one of the countless restarts; Aye Karumba!

And then there was the final lap, with everybody on their feet going OOH, AHHH!!! As you could audibly hear the proverbial air going out of the bag when Takuma Sato crashed upon making his ultra daring pass for the lead upon Dario... who in the past I’d taken to calling him Dashley LePew and even going so far to comically propose his boss the ‘Cheepster adding SaazAll as a sponsor to the No. 10 car after Dario had moaned over Justin Wilson’s “unfair” victory at Texas - where Franchitti quipped he’d saw off certain parts of his anatomy to get the weight savings that thee ‘B-I-G UNIT’s chassis had afforded him... Oh Dashley, put a cork in I-T wills Yuhs!

And I’ll readily admit I was the lone fan BOOING ‘HULIO in Edmonton the day he BLOCKED his teammate Will Power for the probable victory; BUTT! Even with my past disdain for Dario, and not as a driver, I was simply SHOCKED over what I heard next... As a deafening, jeering, rancorous chorus of booing greeted Dario upon his cool down caution lap! And N-O! I was NOT one of those BOOING him, as I just sat quietly amazed over how many surrounding spectators were infuriated with the now three-time Indy 500 winner! Although I suppose part of me felt mildly vindicated, since Dario’s one ‘Helluva driver, but simply seems to be a tad bit too entitled...

Afterwards, upon finally meeting up with the three Hosers, I cannot even begin telling Y’all how DAMN GOOD those ice cold Bud’s tasted as we sat inside the Brickyard Crossing once again letting the crowd die down somewhat before finally making our way back to CARPETZ MANOR for the traditional Sunday Night Feast!

And that’s my very eclectic recap of last year’s race, as I’ll try pooundin’ I-T out a little bit sooner  then one year later - as it was scary trying to remember A-L-L of the past two year’s races just prior to leaving for Indy this May; CRIKEYS!

Thus, you can get a blow-by-blow recap written by thee ‘Dom ‘O IndyCar bloggers; DAMN YOU ‘DAWG! Why do you have to be so observant; Hya! Although I bet it wasn’t nearly as H-O-T at the ‘DAWG’s Man Cave, eh? With Bill’s beer ‘O choice and his AC cranked on, right Bill?      

Mon; 5/29
Made my traditional Hall of Fame ‘Walkabout thanxs to Dave who graciously took me there - as always... Of which I’ve  scribbled previously in;

And that’s about the entire riveting minutia I can think of - as it was another typically bumpy, frumpy unenjoyable flight home, as I don’t even recall which way I went? As I seem to end up with a different route each way every time I go to Indy.

 Yet I was happy that I got to see ‘Rubino’s debutant Ovaltrack race, NO less at Indianapolis, as I believe Barrichello was the Rookie Of the Year? Thus, what surprises ‘N tidbits will this year’s race produce, huh? Guess we’ll all find out shortly, as now I’d better go pack my suitcase, eh?

(DOB: Photos Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Leggin’ I-T!

So, while sitting thru the RAIN delay on Pole Day, I had a great ‘lil thought bubble after Ol ‘R (Robin Miller) spilled the beans upon thy Leggy ‘Juan having been tapped to drive the third Schmidt Hamilton Peterson Motorsports car, the No. 99; to qualify on Sunday after the team’s first two primary cars safely make the show.

Wouldn’t I-T be GURR-REAT!!! If Katherine Legge bumped le ‘Hamburgular, nee Sebastain Bourdais out of the race; As I think that would be divine intervention after that pesky ‘SeaBass threw Legge underneath the bus earlier this year. Just a thought...


INDY 500: Revisiting the 2012 Race Weekend, Part 2

So how does one outdo schmoozing with Buddy Lazier, Dr. Who and “Symona-Symona” at the Flagroom? ‘Whale by going to Legend’s Day and being treated like royalty by some of the “lesser known” racing drivers ‘O yesteryear; Thanxs Tom, Adrian, Billy, Didier and Stefan, it was a HOOT!

NO! This isn’t the crowd lining up for the Autograph session, but instead is a Pre-race crowd pic taken on Raceday instead. (DOB)
Saturday, May 26
Legend’s Day - Doce
After a very leisurely morning of sleeping in & rousing ourselves, the Five Amigos finally departed for the racetrack - taking separate cars, as the three KuhNucks were antsy to get to the memorabilia show - in order to purchase more prized trinkets, while Dave once again graciously accompanied Mwah to the ex-Indy 500 drivers autograph session - part of what’s now called “Legends Day.” As the two of us stood in line, we had NO idea that we’d need to stand for one hour-plus in the hot baking sun in order to get what I thought would be just three selected “John Hancock’s,” as for reasons unknown - I was in quest of another Swedish racer’s signature - having poached “Stevie Johnson,” aka Stefan Johansson’s the year prior...

Thus due to our totally unplanned arrival time, we were well situated for the autographs second  session lasting from 3-4PM, albeit when the gates open tons of people behind us ran around us to which Dave commented C’mon people! And hence, as we got to the correct grouping’s chute, (cordoned off line with stanchions on both sides - literally forming a cattle chute...) a woman approached us and said loudly that Mario (Andretti) was only staying a half-hour and she couldn’t guarantee that we’d get his autograph waving her hand approx where we stood... Thus Dave asked me if I wanted to jump over to the other B-I-G names line of Gil de Ferran, Buddy Lazier and Johnny Rutherford - to which I said: I’ve already got two of those guys and I really want Brack’s signature...

But Mario was still available when it became my turn near the 25-30 minute mark of the session; as Kenny Brack was the most reserved of this triumberant - not even saying hi or answering my Rally-cross quip to him. But Tom Sneva, better known as The Gasman was totally kOOL!

Sneva got his nickname as his car was sponsored by Texaco as the Texaco Star and he was the first driver to officially record laps over 200 and 210mph at the Speedway... As Tom was smiling & laughing when I asked him: Are you the World’s Fastest Schoolteacher? To which he quickly replied: And Principal too! As Sneva was from Spokane, WA originally...

And I didn’t even try making any “Chit Chat” with Mario - who Dave noted had his I’d really rather not be here forced smile upon his face several times, although he did say you’re welcome when I thanked him for the signature. And Kudos to Mario for blowing off his previous engagement and staying some 45-minutes plus in order to appease all of the waiting line-goers.

Then Dave asked: Do you wanna go over to Line-4? Its wide open - as there was about 15mins left in the session; as I said sure, yeah, lets go-for-it... As this turned out to be far superior then my BIG name hunting. As there were ten drivers in this line - beginning with Johnny Parsons Jr., Buzz Calkins, Phil Kruger, Bill Alsup, Billy Roe, Denny Zimmerman, Adrian Fernandez, Phil Geebler, Alfonso Giafone, Didier Theys and Stephan Gregoire.

As Billy Roe, who I’d never heard of before was an absolute crack-up... As I approached with white cane in hand he said: How many fingers am I holding up? And as I was bursting into laughter Dave said NO! He’s not flipping you off - to which I said laughing: You’re NOT doing a Will Power... Who was fined $30k last year for being caught on national TV giving race control a double bird (#1 finger) salute! After we quit guffawing, I said I heard you drove for Scandia Racing - which was owned by Seattle’s Andy Evans; yes I did. Saying I was from Seattle, Billy asked deadpan: Is it ever sunny in Seattle? To which I quickly replied: only when you’re out-of-town...

Next up was Adrian Fernandez who stood up and said Hola as he stuck his hand out to shake mine. Then I asked him if he’d won at Portland? Yes, that was a very historic day for me - my first victory as a team owner... Before I asked him if he was still running the Aston Martin? Yes, I’ll be racing it at Le mans in about three week’s time.

Then about 3-4 drivers later, another stood up and said: Hi, you must be Tomas; WTF? How the HELL did he know that Dave asked, as Didier Theys smiling said it’s a secret - to which I said if he tells us he’ll haveda kill us! Which got rousing laughter all around us, as we had a great time kibitzing whilst Didier warmly shook my hand!

Then last up was Stephan Gregoire who I asked if he was still driving the two-seater? Yes, saying I’d done it awhile ago; Oh? Who was your driver? Was it fast enough? NO! I wanted to go faster... To which Stephan said they’re building a new version that will be able to go 200mph - to which I said SIGN ME UP! As I’d gladly go do this again provided Stephan was my driver - while afterwards Dave said: they should just have a NO names autograph session instead! As everyone in the second line was personable, smiling, happy, having fun and genuinely enjoying themselves...

Ah, a sight for sore eyes; Hee-hee-hee! Marco Andretti’s wrecked Dallara DW12 on the hook after he’d DONE CRASHED I-T! (DOB)
Sitting outside near the exit doors, I had a very pleasant ‘Chin-wag (chat) with a lady who said I was sitting by the cool breeze - every time the doors to the air conditioned room inside opened a blast of cold air hit us - whilst Dave went off in search of the KuhNucks...

Then after waiting forever for Simon to return we walked over to you guessed IT! The Flagroom, as my stomach was screaming for some lunch... After eating and parching our dry throats from the scorching sun - Dave said guess who’s over there? Why it’s “Uncle Bobby!” As in three-time Indy 500 winner Bobby Unser...  As Dave asked if I wanted his autograph? Sure, although Bobby was regaling an audience with great yarns ‘O yesteryear...

Dave disappeared and then returned saying Bobby had to go meet somebody but would be back in 5mins - to which Dave didn’t know if he was sneaking out on us or what?

Yet true to his word, Bobby returned and Dave guided me over to his table - telling me everything I COULDN’T ask him on the way over... As Bobby has had several run-ins with the law, including punching a police officer and having the National Guard called out to locate him when he was lost snowmobiling “Out-of-Bounds,” etc. As I approached Messer Unser stuck out his hand to me, saying Hi and answering my one comment ‘bout having heard him on the Don Kay Show the Tuesday evening prior. Then he stood up and put his hand on my back as he directed us which was the best way to have the picture taken... Pretty Damn kOOL for an OLD HOOT pushing 80yrs old, eh?

Then another photo-op occurred outside where there was a ’99 Dallara Coors Lite Indy Car being unloaded, before it was finally time to go back to Dave’s house where we talked smart outside on the patio before calling it an early evening at 11PM in order to get some sleep before our somewhat “early” rising in order to go to the Big Show the next morning...

(DOB: Photos Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)