5-minute Major Penalty for NBC Sports Network!

So, I do NOT ever-ever-ever want to hear any more bellyachin’ about the horrendous TV ratings of NBC Sports Network regarding Indy Cars... After their atrocious bungling of this past weekend’s “Souper doopier” Pole Day weekend, where duh “Peacock lite” inexplicably managed to cut away from the first five cars - including eventual Pole winner Ed Carpenter’s lone qualifying runs in favour of some STUPID ARSE horse race recap; YUK!

Oh, but it gets better, as the following day, when turning on le  Telescreen at 9:12AM Pacific I was totally ‘Cornfuzed over why some third  tier hockey game was on; WTF? Hmm? Oh dear, hopefully NOT a Stanley Cup Playoffs replay??? Nope, instead it was the magnanimous Men’s World Hockey Bronze medal game between Finland and U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A; Oh Never Mind! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot indeed! As the announcer proclaimed there was six minutes left in the ten minute overtime; F%%K! WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THE WORLD HOCKEY LEAGUE!

And our intrepid friends over at IMS Radio Network weren’t immune from the bungling of the weekend’s coverage either, since I thought I’d logon to their “live” audio feed instead while waiting out the FRIGGIN’ hockey match; BUTT N-O! I gave up after multiple repeated attempts of clicking upon thee “Play” button at 9:21AM as there  wasn’t any FREAKIN’ sound; Can You Hear Me Now?

And speaking ‘bout their audio, having switched over to the IMS Radio Network broadcast via indycar.com at 1:30PM Pacific, (Saturday) when NBCSN had to duck away for two hours of Preakness Pre-race Goobly-gock; SPEW! In mid sentence of Nicky ‘Salt Yeoman’s interview with James Jakes, the best performing RLLR entry, somebody inexplicably pulled thee plug and the interview went dead, and the sound reverted to just Mother Speedway’s PA system for some 20mins-plus, which was entertaining since every time Dave Calabro gave out the speed it was muted by the roar of an engine - saying Pippa’s On I-T! And she’s turned a lap of 224 blank-blank-blank...

Then as NBCSN had to scoot off for 30 MORE ‘My-nutes of its Wall-to-Wall Horsey race, Leigh Diffey told everyone to run over to indycar.com instead for live coverage and HOLY TIN CUPS BATMAN!!!

For about the first 5-6 drivers their Driver Analyst Davey Hamilton sounded like he was talking thru a tin cup in an old timers telephone booth, i.e.;  garbled to say the least...

And one more thingy Messer Diffey; note to self. I-T ISN’T a “Genuine Bump Day” when there’s only ONE “Bumpee...” As I’m really tired of the overly manufactured HYPE trying to be generated over Indy Cars ‘BOOMP DAY! And Hype in general...

Which includes ‘Wee “willie Buxom” (Will Buxton) trying to build up the major strides his employer is making towards Formula 1 Stateside, by proclaiming on Trackside with Kevin & Cavin how impressive it was that NBC was precluding its Sunday morning News Shows in favour of airing the Monaco Grand Prix.

Uhm, Gee Will, guess what? DON’T know what timezone you’re living in but  Four FREAKIN’ thirty AM (Pacific) is usually a time slot for some amazing Infomercial like thee Total Gym Workout with Chuck Norris & Christie Brinkley instead...

Thus, when duh Peacock lite finally wrapped up its ‘lil Hockey game and returned from its five minute major penalty Sunday morning - We were greeted by Conor Daly making his qualifying run followed by G. Willikers Rahal and his Midas touch mobile on screen at 9:30AM, which means I have NO idea of how many of the ‘Boomp Day ‘Qualie runs we missed seeing? But I’m guessing at least half, eh?

And lastly, I don’t wanna say ‘Boomp Day wasn’t exciting; YAWN! But my new somewhat more cynical side was left ponderin’ what's the real scoop behind Schmidt rolling out a 3rd car on 'Boomp Day? Just a clever way to keep focus off of Honda's being so "Slow?" Or just a way for Sam Schmidt to pad his pockets a little bit, since I doubt Thy Leggy 'Juan gets to keep the prize money, eh?

As I definately think there's a story there since Sam even admitted to thy 'Wee "Willie Buxom" (Will Buxton) that originally the third Schmidt Peterson Motorsports (SPM) car was to help ensure there'd be 33-cars in the race a la Ed Carpenter Racing's (ECR) #40 entry. Since after all IRL Founder ‘TG (Tony George) did proclaim that: “33’s Only a Number!”

Which perhaps Y’all are wondering by this point why I bothered watching/listening to this weekend’s riveting Pole Day weekend, right? Because I guess some small tiny portion of Mwah still cares; especially since I’m going to the race again.

Yet I’m just left wunderin’ would FOX treat its ‘RASSCAR broadcast the same way? Or would an F1 broadcast on NBCSN receive such shoddy treatment? Which if the powers-to-be at comca$t are really trying to promote F1, then how come there isn’t a rebroadcast of the race on Tuesday morning on NBCSN a la how SPEED used to do so even when their Big Brother FOX had the race on Sunday? Since I cannot record more than one channel at a time, I’m forced to choose between qualifying or the race; not to mention choosing between thee M-O-S-T exciting Indy 500 in history, which seems to be the Procostinator’s yearly battle cry; Oh Never Mind!

As I can only wunder if the world of Open Wheel Racing will ever truly receive the proper attention it deserves sometime in the future? As in like actual honest-to-goodness “live” ‘Qualie shows for Indy Cars - not to mention the availability of more than one car on ‘Boomp Day...

Bump Day Pics: Who’s Number One?

The #20 on top of the scoring pylon, aka the Pole for you pacific Coasters...

Yeah ‘CARPETS, us Left Coasters don’t have any scoring pylons like that at Portland International Raceway; Hya!

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Bump Day Pics: ’SuperTex in the House

A.J. (Foyt) in golf cart heading to Pit lane. NO word on whether or not he was going to tell rookie Conor Daly he’d made the show or in search of one of those ‘Wurld Famous IMS Tenderloin sandwiches instead...

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Bump Day Pics: ’BIA at Speed

Ana ‘BIA Beatriz heading into Turn 1 at 225 mph on second lap of qualifying run. As the likeable Brazilian will roll off P29 Sunday, May 26^th...

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Bump Day Pics: Buddy’s Ride

The Lazier Racing Partners Car #91 heading towards the Pits; now all this car needs is a sponsor!

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

Parnelli’s Hat on Pole, Mears Milk bottle second and Riveting Bump Day coverage P3...

So that’s your row-1 lineup for the just concluded ‘Boomp Day, which I’d say was almost as riveting as those Dazes ‘O Yesteryears... Y’all know when A.J. Foyt and Tony Stewart conspired to “Rev Up” the aforementioned day by blowin’ ‘Smoke UP our Backsides by potentially entering Stewart into a Foyt racecar to potentially fill the field.

And thus I found it funny that the escapades of this year’s Legends Day honoree Rufus Parnelli Jones Stetson hat he lost 50-years ago garnered more stories than Bump Day in Sunday’s IndyStar wall-to-wall motorsports coverage, which included a story ‘bout Rick ‘the Rocket Mears reclaiming his first milk bottle; YIKES! Can Y’all say S-L-O-W News Day?

Parnelli gets his Hat back

Mears shares Parnelli’s pain

INDY 500: Revisiting the 2012 Race Weekend, Part 3

Obviously I’d be very happy to have survived the incredible H-E-A-T of the day, as although I’ve been in hotter, like when painting roofs in Arizona in 112-degrees... I simply don’t recall being so DAMN HOT in ages - which would have been much more bearable if Takuma Sato had pulled off the unthinkable...

Sunday, May 27

96^th Indianapolis 500 Race

Dave woke me up the earliest of the lot, at 7AM I believe... As there’d be five of us going to the track in one vehicle today; ‘Whale as close to the track as we could get parking-wise before hoofing it in the remainder of the way from Dave’s super “SECRET” parking spot. As I really don’t recall much anymore ‘bout race day other than it was H-O-T! It was so DAMN HOT that we did the unthinkable and went for breakfast inside the Brickyard Crossing restaurante simply to seek the shelter of AC as long as possible before going outside into the inferno!

Thus we missed the majority of  the pre-race ceremonies - standing in an ultra slow moving security line, which bummed me out ‘cause we were supposed to get our Wheldon white shades tribute glasses in order to commemorate Dan’s legacy as the missing reigning I500 champion on laps 25 & 98; Hey! I want my cheesy cardboard knockoffs! As the fans were supposed to put their shades on stand-up and honour ‘DannyBoy on those two laps...

Ex-CART/IRL Driver and IndyCar team owner Bryan “HighSpeed Hurdles” Herta at speed whilst piloting Dan wheldon’s 2011 I500 winner at IMS. (DOB)

And it was funny, since for my third Indy 500 outing, you guessed I-T! I was sitting in my third different seating locale, this time in what seemed an overly crowded Turn 2 which was a bit ‘O a PAIN trying to climb up the multiple steps and slither my way ‘round the curving bleachers with my white cane - which oh by the way were bright silver aluminum; CRIKEYS! Let’s see, record expected temperatures + shiny aluminum seats with NO shade; can you say H-O-T! Hey have I mentioned how FREAKIN’ HOT it was on Raceday yet? Hee-hee-hee...

Seem to recall that everybody stood up for the race’s pace laps and we did get to see Bryan Herta do a solo lap in Wheldon’s Twenty Oh eleven winner, which was kOOL! As opposed to being cool, since the only thingy remotely C-O-O-L was the FROZEN water bottles Dave had brought for us - which remarkably were so FROZEN that it took forever for the ICE to melt; YIKES! HOLY ICECUBES BATMAN!

And having already been told what everybody knew by Tim Wardrop, aka “Dr. Who” previously in the Flagroom, the two “Powered-by-Judd” (Lotus) machines were woefully underpowered and weren’t expected to go the full race distance, as Dave had joked two day’s prior to Dr. Who if we should bring some sort of debris to throw on track when it appeared that “Mean Jean” (Alesi) was about to be lapped; Hya! (As obviously I’d NEVER suggest throwing any type of debris on a racetrack - especially where they’re traveling at over 220mph!)

Thus after the first few laps had passed and everybody had sat back down, albeit thee Mayor ‘O Hinchtown made a nice pass for the lead right in front of us, the 33-cars simply looked like one enormous jumbled up blurb ‘O multiple colours, kinda like dumping a bunch ‘O Skittles outta a bag... shush; DON’T tell Marshawn that I’m dumping his Skittles; Hya! (Inside Seattle Seahawks Marshawn ‘BEAST Lynch joke...)

Let’s get ready to rumble - 33 angry Dallara DW12’s forming up nicely during the Parade laps. (DOB)

‘whale actually it was just the first 31-cars that looked like a multi-coloured rainbow to my ‘Jellybean vision, as I could actually make out the last two cars - with the two ‘Luddi’s running alone and even got more excited as I could make out the solitary black Dallara DW12 chassis of Alesi’s Fan Force United car versus Simona de Silvestro’s multi-green racecar, which contrary to popular belief wasn’t glowing in the dark; Hya!

And although a fan of Simona’s, I was rootin’ instead for Alesi, Dr. Who and the Fan Force Boyz to win the intra-engine duel between these two slow moving Loti’s, albeit I think Alesi was running stone last?

And I think first ‘Symona-symona was forced to retire and then Alesi’s car vanished too - as they’d both been black flagged due to not being fast enough on track, which in a nutshell was the Bain of the Lotus experiment, eh?

Editor’s Note:

Dammit Bill, I’m a Blogger! (Somewhat clever Trekkie twist upon his multiple Star Wars references...) Oh wait a minute; I AM the Editor, cook, chief bottle washer; Yada-yada-yada; Hur-hur-hur! As according to Pressdog, while I did have Simona & Alesi in the right positions, i.e.; P32-33 with de Silvestro leading Alesi; the Frenchman was called in on lap-9 with the Swiss Missile being black flagged on lap-10, both for being too slow and impeding the field’s progress with Alesi’s top speed being 203mph and Simona’s 205 - while everyone else was motoring along at 220mph...

Another noticeable cue to Mwah, albeit of a different sort of sensory mode came in the forms of audible and smell to me, as first off it was amazing how ghostly silent Mother Speedway became when a full course caution was  thrown and all of the whump- whump- whump- whump- whump- whumpp passing noise of the gynormous IndyCar Freightrain dissipated.

Yet even more distinct was the almost cloudlike wafting of burnt, shredded, blistered ‘Flinstone rubber passing overhead some thirty seconds  plus after the ensuing accident had occurred - as the track was silent with nobody at speed on the track’s backside and NO cars to be seen whilst awaiting the unwanted tow hook!

But I know I did a little Happy dance when ‘BULLY-RAY’S ‘CHEBBIE DONE BLOWN UP! Ah, poor Hunter-Reay, who was my new Number-1 villain last year, as I’ve begrudgingly admitted the lad’s got talent, especially how he persevered over Will Power for the title last year; as so far this season I simply don’t have any HATE! To which I know ‘R’s (Robin Miller) motto is “Hate is Good!” But I just feel like the steam’s gone outta Mwah and nobody’s really done anything super devious yet. Hmm? May be the gloves will come off either in Detroit or Toronto?

And I do remember how GEEKED! The entire crowd got over ‘FAST EDDIE’s mesmerizing March to the front, as I believe he got as high as P3 before looping it against the wall, and hence scratch off another candidate for the little guys done good category.

Which speaking of that, think Brian Clauson crashed again? As he’d done torn up one of Sarah Fisher’s cars during qualifying, as it’s a shame he won’t be back in 2013, since he’s a great personality, whilst I don’t recall what happened to SFHR’s primary driver Joseph Newgarden? Think his Chevrolet let go on him too? (Actually Clauson just looped I-T without hitting anythingy, but went a lap down and was a non-factor the rest of the race. Officially scored as P30 retiring due to Mechanical on lap 46...)

Another time the cavernous Speedway grandstands erupted was when the wily ‘TK Follow-your-Schnoz (Kanaan) lit his afterburner and sliced ‘N diced his way from fifth to P1 on one of the countless restarts; Aye Karumba!

And then there was the final lap, with everybody on their feet going OOH, AHHH!!! As you could audibly hear the proverbial air going out of the bag when Takuma Sato crashed upon making his ultra daring pass for the lead upon Dario... who in the past I’d taken to calling him Dashley LePew and even going so far to comically propose his boss the ‘Cheepster adding SaazAll as a sponsor to the No. 10 car after Dario had moaned over Justin Wilson’s “unfair” victory at Texas - where Franchitti quipped he’d saw off certain parts of his anatomy to get the weight savings that thee ‘B-I-G UNIT’s chassis had afforded him... Oh Dashley, put a cork in I-T wills Yuhs!

And I’ll readily admit I was the lone fan BOOING ‘HULIO in Edmonton the day he BLOCKED his teammate Will Power for the probable victory; BUTT! Even with my past disdain for Dario, and not as a driver, I was simply SHOCKED over what I heard next... As a deafening, jeering, rancorous chorus of booing greeted Dario upon his cool down caution lap! And N-O! I was NOT one of those BOOING him, as I just sat quietly amazed over how many surrounding spectators were infuriated with the now three-time Indy 500 winner! Although I suppose part of me felt mildly vindicated, since Dario’s one ‘Helluva driver, but simply seems to be a tad bit too entitled...

Afterwards, upon finally meeting up with the three Hosers, I cannot even begin telling Y’all how DAMN GOOD those ice cold Bud’s tasted as we sat inside the Brickyard Crossing once again letting the crowd die down somewhat before finally making our way back to CARPETZ MANOR for the traditional Sunday Night Feast!

And that’s my very eclectic recap of last year’s race, as I’ll try pooundin’ I-T out a little bit sooner  then one year later - as it was scary trying to remember A-L-L of the past two year’s races just prior to leaving for Indy this May; CRIKEYS!

Thus, you can get a blow-by-blow recap written by thee ‘Dom ‘O IndyCar bloggers; DAMN YOU ‘DAWG! Why do you have to be so observant; Hya! Although I bet it wasn’t nearly as H-O-T at the ‘DAWG’s Man Cave, eh? With Bill’s beer ‘O choice and his AC cranked on, right Bill?      

Pressdog: Notes taken during the 2012 Indy 500

Mon; 5/29

Made my traditional Hall of Fame ‘Walkabout thanxs to Dave who graciously took me there - as always... Of which I’ve  scribbled previously in;

IMS Hall of Fame museum - 2012 visit

And that’s about the entire riveting minutia I can think of - as it was another typically bumpy, frumpy unenjoyable flight home, as I don’t even recall which way I went? As I seem to end up with a different route each way every time I go to Indy.

 Yet I was happy that I got to see ‘Rubino’s debutant Ovaltrack race, NO less at Indianapolis, as I believe Barrichello was the Rookie Of the Year? Thus, what surprises ‘N tidbits will this year’s race produce, huh? Guess we’ll all find out shortly, as now I’d better go pack my suitcase, eh?

(DOB: Photos Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)