Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Fernando the Bull's Ever Growing Tail!




IMS Scoring pylon with Alonso's name displayed on 2017 Indy 500 Pole Day. (the Tomaso Collection)
Uhm, what did 'Ol Tony Stewart say 'bout the Bestest Thingy since "Sliced Bred?"

Presumably it's just Mwah, but enough with the Platitudes 'O Fernando lore! As sadly, I was largely inspired to pen this rant due to reading; Err Hearing "My Gal" Lucy', my ARSE-Steamed Screen Reader cooing over one of the few remaining Diehard IndyCar Bloggers having scribble that Fernando Alonso's driving in the rain during the 24 Hours of Daytona made him see the "Ghost of "Saint Ayrton," nee Ayrton Senna" during this year's rain sodden Rolex 24

Say What?

Holy Hero Worshiping Batman!

While I Don't Dispute Alonso's prodigious Driving Talent, I do take Offense to him being compared with the late, great Ayrton Senna, for which I fear Thar's NO Comparison!

Otay, you could perceivably compare Fredrico Suave to Michael Schumacher, who after all was called the Rainmeister during his days at la Scuderia, where 'Ol Fernando never managed to Close thou Dealio', aka win a Formula 1 World championship in Scarlet Overalls. But Senna? P-P-Puhlease!

"Fernando is Faster Than You, Ayrton..."

Although last time I checked, Michael,  who's presumably still taking a Nap, Righto? Has more than Three Times as Many Formula One World Championships as Alonso. Not to mention nearly Three-times as Many Grands Prix victories... 

Yeah, Fernando's now won two prestigious Sports Car events, the legendous' 24 Heurs du Mans and Rolex 24 in less than 12-months, which many former Formula 1 Pilotes' have never accomplished, But...

With the Spaniard's carefully crafted "Marketing;" Err Self-promotion Machine, how much of Alonso's trumpeting his Quest for the "elusive" Triple Crown is nothing more than his Hypefest 'O Trying to extricate himself from a largely disappointing Formula 1 career?

Look, I get it, Fred's a Two-times F1 World Champion, and a total Bad Arse Driver who had the Kuhoonas' to Beat Herr Schumacher in his prime No less, but Alonso also let the splendor of winning a World Championship for la Scuderia slip thru his fingers how many times? Most notably the year he couldn't even get past the lowly Lotus of Vitaly VO5' Petrov on Yas Isle! Before the Testy Spaniard told the Rooskie' he was No. 1, Ci!

And let's Not Overlook his somewhat "toxic" reputation, most notably his first Go-around at McLaren during thee Ronsters' (Ron Dennis) reign, which ultimately cost Woking a cool $100m, as in Million! Not to mention "Crash Gate," the sorid affair involving le Reggie', nee Renault and Fred's Wingman Nelson Piquet, Jr.


And what constitutes Stardom, and whose' a Better All-rounder Driver? As not sure why, other than I've always been a Fan of 'lil Stevie Johnson', aka Stefan Johansson... The Swede's won Le Mans during Dare I Say It? A far more competitive era, i.e.; 1997.

As let's call a Spade A Spade. As the Toyota's were just racing themselves last June for the victory, en route to a crushing 10-laps advantage over the third-place finisher, nearly 100-miles ahead!

Not to mention Stefan's won the arduous 12 Hours of Sebring twice, in two different vehicles separated by 13yrs! Aboard a Porsche 935 and Ferrari 333 SP. As Sebring's Cement Mixer tarmac's noted for being twice as rough as Daytona Beach's High Banks - and tougher to win vs. Daytona.

Or how 'bout "Mansell Mania?" As the world Class Thespian's the only Driver to win back-to-back Championships, i.e.; Formula 1 and IndyCar, when the latter was Arguably more popular (and competitive) than F1.

Not to mention EMMO', aka Emerson Fittipaldi's accomplishments. And I haven't even Delved into some of Sports Cars Baddest Cats like Hurley Haywood, Al Holbert, Peter Gregg, Jacky Ickx, Klaus Ludwig or "Mr. Le Mans," thou "Other" TK', aka Tom Kristensen - Just to name a few potent Drivers.

Or the Hapless, but very Amiable Bloody Brit Johnny Herbert, who won at the Circuit de la Sarthe in a Mazda NO less, as I could go on 'N on...

Whilst I've already noted here on No Fenders last year, what would the press have said if Good 'Ol Monty', nee JPM or Mac Montoya, aka Juan Pablo have said if the Columbian had won the LMP2 Class in last year's 24 Hours of Le Mans?

Wouldn't he have theoretically Beaten Fredrico to that Oh, so Coveted "Triple Crown?" But I've never heard JPM Honking His Own Horn over such trivia as that...

Meanwhile, as I've poonded on previously here in Nofendersville, contrary to popular belief Near and Abroad, can Y'all say Viva la France? Alonso's 2019 McLaren Indy 500 project will Not be in Cahoots with FAST EDDIE', nee Ed Carpenter and ECR, but instead in partnership with Carlin...


As now I've got two Drivers I'll be rootin' Against  at Mother Speedway this May. The first being HULIO', and the second Alonso! As the Brickyard's a fickle Mistress, who chooses who She wants to Win, not the other way round Fernando...

(Photo c/o No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer CARPETS')

Monday, February 18, 2019

Carlin's Newest Young Blood?



Certainly Y'all have heard the riveting IndyCar News about 'Ol "Narly Pinball," aka Charlie Kimball returning for a muted five races outing this season with Carlin, Righto?


As it was Good 'Ol Jeffie' of O.L.D. Fame, nee One Lap Down, Wherever Yuhs Are? Who came up with another of his Oh, So Clever Driver Nicknames, which I borrowed for another No Fenders story...


Whilst I'm ARSE-Sumin' I'm not the only "Eagled Eye" Indy Cars Aficionado who spotted this, and I'm Freakin Blind to Boot; Hya! But My Gal Lucy', My ARSE-Steamed Screen Reader cooed the name RC Enerson tabbed to drive the #23 Kimball occupies at Carlin to Mwah, when reading Marshall Pruett's Racer.com article upon Circuit Of The Americas (COTA) IndyCar Pre-season testing.

Having read Pruett's COTA prose prior to the first day of Indy Cars Laguna Seca Winter Test outing, (Feb 8th) where Enerson ran 61-laps for Carlin and seems to signal his arrival at Trevor Carlin's Squad...

As I'd been ARSE-Sumin' it would be Jordan King getting the bulk of Seat-time aboard the No. 23 this season, since it's been one of the worst kept secrets that Kimball was not gonna be Fulltime at Carlin this year.

But Enerson's name was a surprise to Mwah, albeit perhaps King will be in this ride too? As apparently Carlin will be pullin' a Dale Coyne rotating Driver scheme this season.

As Enerson last impressed the IndyCar masses when Driving briefly for Dale Coyne Racing (DCR) during 2016, making his IndyCar Debut at Mid Ohio, before two further outings at Watkins Glen and Sonoma.

Although Enerson's short lived move to Indy Cars was controversial, having started the season in Indy Lights for Schmidt Peterson Motorsports - before effectively Breaking his Contract after the Freedom 100 to graduate to thee B-I-G CARZ', for which I tend to recall Thar was some legal wranglings over this between Schmidt and RC. And Nah, NO "Uncola" Jokes here...

As it would be good to see Enerson back in the Indy Cars field, along with Jordan King, as obviously both of these aspiring Young Guns would like to G-O Racin' Fulltime. Not to mention Kimball also, meaning Carlin's got plenty 'O talent to choose from.

As Dare I Say It? Kimball could be a valuable addition at the fledgling Juncos Racing team, and definitely lend a Helping Hand to their future maturation in Indy Cars...

And although it seems that Enerson has the inside track for filling in part of the remaining IndyCar season races aboard the No. 23 when Kimball's not driving. Now comes the conundrum 'O Pato O'Ward's availability. As I really hope O'Ward can find a seat in Indy Cars...

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Ode to DannaCar (2018 Edition)



Yep! It's that time of the year once again to honour the Disco Queen of 'RASSCAR! Although I think she may already have a Valentine's suitor this year, as I've been told by No Fenders AZ Bureau Chief Snowbyrd MJ' some NFL QB named Aaron Rodgers has got the Hot's for her; Touchdown! While Good 'Ol Ricky-boy's definitely lost her number.

Nevertheless, here we go...

Toe to toe
Dancing very slow
Barely breathing
Almost comatose…
(pressdog!)

Wall to wall
People hypnotized
And they're stepping lightly
Hanging on her every move each night in Rapture

Back to back
Sacrailiac
Spineless movement
And a wild attack

Face to face
Sadly solitude
And it's finger popping
Twenty-four hour shopping
In ‘DannaCar Land!

Flavour Flav HMS Monogram told me everybody's high
DJ's spinning' are saving' my mind
Flash is Fast, Flash is cool
Jacke Vanilla sez fast, Flashe' no do

And you try to stop
((Watching’ MAC Montoya, Sam Hornish & ALL those Open Wheel DEFECTORS!)
SURE SHIT!
Just go out to the parking lot
Get in your car and you drive real far
Away from the track!

After you drive all night, you see a bright flashing light
And it comes right down and lands on the ground
And out pops a Girl in a shiny sequin bathing suit from RASSCAR!

And you try to run but She's got a gun
And She shoots you dead and “She eats your head
And then you're in the Girl from RASSCAR!

You go out at night, eatin' Racecars
 You eat Marches, Reynard’s, Swift’s and Panoz’s too…
And you don't stop, you keep on eatin' Single Seaters
Then, when there's no more Racecars left
You go out at night and eat up Open Wheel Racing series instead
Like Champ Car and the IRL
While ‘Ol timers desperately cling to fantasies of a renaissance…

Face to face, dance cheek to cheek
One to one, man to man
Dance toe to toe
Don't move to slow, 'cause the Girl from RASSCAR is cutting thru
(Excuse me HULIO!)

But Mrs. Hospenthal is through with the competition
‘cause She's been eatin' a ton ‘O snicker bars
Yeah, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall
She's gonna eat 'em all
Rapture…

Be pure
Take a tour; through the sewer
Don't strain your brain
Just check out that Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue instead!
And then say it real fast
Boog-itee- Boog-itee- Boog-itee!
Paint a train, cause you’ll be singing' in the rain
If dare ain’t some ‘Tin Tops on real soon
I say stop throwin those mountain dew cans at Pretty Boy Floyd
Junior Nation!
Just be good ‘ol boyzs and cheer for ‘dannaCar instead!

Well now you see what you want to be
Just like Mike, who’s trying to pump up ‘Dem Spin-Car ratings on TV
'Cause the Girl from RASSCAR won't eat Candy bars when She’s PEAK-ing
In the bright lights…

As now She's gone back up to MARS Where She won't have a hassle with the human race ‘cause now its ‘DannaLand!

And you hip-hop, and you don't stop
Just blast off, sure shot
'Cause the Girl from RASSCAR stopped eatin' Racecars
And now She only devours IndyCar
get up; ‘Cause She’s gone HOLLYWOOD!
(Original lyrics: Blondie; Rapture)

Originally written by Tomaso on Feb 15, 2008
(Last Modified: February, 2018)