Y’all say PanaMax, I say Canamax…
Previously, the Armani Canamax champ car team
was in the midst of a slate of rotating drivers. Most notably Jaque Dudley from
Up North Eh! Having been dumped after our new Pretender-in-chief Billy Jo
Bradshaw had won election to our nation’s highest office in a big, beautiful
landslide…
Thus, the teams major Domo, a one Preston Henry
Winchester III was hard at work as always to ring a few more ounces of performance
out of His racing teams, and ultimately improving it’s owners and shareholders
bottom lines.
Audrey,
get Dumfries, Duquione and Duncan on the line for me. Yes Mr.
Winchester. Mr. W’, Baron Dumfries is currently in the Cotswold’s at His
Hunting Chalet, but I’ve got (Junior partner) Gerrard Duncan on the phone…
Gerrard, what’s the latest on our lawsuit vs.
that Pipsqueak Jonathan Truxbury? What do you mean He won’t pay the $100m (Australian
Pounds) I’m requesting!
Very well. Look, every Damn time that Fucking
‘lil No Good Truxbury wins a race, I want you to request an extra $2 million in
putative damages. And every time He finishes ahead of any of my Armani Champ
Cars, tack on an extra one million! As that should make that Bloody Limey
squirm!
Now look Gerrard, the reason I called was that
we’ve got to do something about the illegal usage of the word Panamax All these
wanton Burmese ship builders are building lately. As it’s leaving a bad stain
upon our racing company…
Yeah, I’ll call my buddy Elroid in DC and see
if He can get me a meeting with our Fearless leader.
Audrey, aske our truck driver Roscoe Snow to
come see me immediately. Yes Mr. W. You asked to see me Mr. Winchester.
Does your ‘Ol Man still have His 50th
Anniversary Peterbilt KP900 tractor that He used to haul Coors from Texarkana?
Good, ask Him if He can meet me in Nashville at the Mockingbird Cafe tomorrow
afternoon, its important. Yes Mr. Winchester. And tell Himn to leave His dog Butch
Home…
Audrey, I’m going for a drive in the
countryside. Tell Hugo to bring over my Canamax SP500 Special Spyder pronto,
even if He’s at the Gym!
Hey Elroid, “What’s the Haps?” Yeah, you’re
telling me about the price of Eggs! Thar’ one of our signature pancake brand’s
main ingredient. Yes Elroid, I’m calling
on an encrypted SpartoCuss’ App. No, I didn’t add any of my family to it, What,
Oh Never Nind elroid!
Look, I’d really like to meet with El
Presidente to find out what He’s gonna do about the Peruvian Canal? Or at the
very least tack on some sort of Canal usage fee to All of these PanaMax cargo
ships sailing round the world. As they’re infringing upon our brand name…
Look, just let Him play with some of your
Double Eagle gold pieces and Silver dollars. As He likes shiny things. Oh, I’ve
gotta take this call from Achmed pdiumSoulayium. He’s threatening to Fine one
of our drivers for saying the word Fart on the podium in Dubai…
Hello Mr. Snow, I’m glad you could join me for
lunch. Yes, your son Roscoe’s doing a bang-up job for us. Now look Mr. Snow, or
can I call you Cletus?
Ok Snowman’, here’s the deal. I’ve got to get 45,000
Grade Double A cage free snow downy pampered Eggs off of my books immediately
before they All Hatch! No, I really thought we’d be able to move them over the
Easter weekend…
Your son Roscoe’s loading them in a Gold
Peterbilt KP9000C 100th Anniversary Sleeper tractor. All you’ve got to do is
drive them up to The Great White North! To our William Joseph & Sons Bakery,
where we’ll use them to make Doughnuts. And then return with 500 cases of O’Flaughtery’s
Beer.
Yeah I know that there’s Triple-rate Dutys to
pay now for crossing into our fine northern state, but you leave that to me. As
I’m getting Billy Jo Bradshaw to write us a note saying we Don’t have to pay
these, and you’ve got special permission to transport whatever you want!
Yeah, I’ve already spoken to the Bandit’. And
Clint says He and His Old Lady Sally are in also, and will run interference for
you like always.
Nope, they’re going in separate cars this time,
since we know how they like to go Skinny-dipping at Niagara Falls! As Clint
will be driving a black Canamax C45 Hypercar. While Sally will be running
Caboose in Her black Canamax Rosberg LP675 tribute model.
As the three of you really shouldn’t have any
problems outrunning those Mounty’, even if they’re on Arabian Horses. Any
questions Cletus?
You’ll pick up the Brewsi’ at the Marigold
Brewery. It’s an ‘Ol converted Labatts brewery that Billy Jo’s eldest son William
owns.
Nobody knew that Billy Jo has a younger brother
named Shane Bradshaw who was a Major League Baseball pitcher who played for the
Blue Jays. Whale’ nobody knew until some Rolling Stones reporter listened into
Billy Jo’s wife Lisa Maria telling Her Hairdresser via Her private SpartoCuss
account. Look, I Dunno why His wife added that Rolling Stones reporter to Her
private chat…
Yep, the Bradshaw’s are an old Irish family
that made their fortunes growing potatoes, before branching into the Distillery
business. And they were doing a brisk business with their O’Flaughtery Beer
brand Up North Eh! Before All those G-Damn patriotic Kuhnucks’ started drinking
Jack Dudley’s signature beer instead. As they’ll drink anything that’s made in
their fine, beautiful state.
So I promised billy Jo I’d bring some of His
brother’s favourite beer if He comes to watch us win this year’s Iron Maiden
5000 at the Speedrome in Brownsburg…
Yep, you’re right we’d better throw in another
500 cases just in case we do win. I’m sure Billy Jo will wanna throw a party
with All of His Friends!
Mr. Snow, if you’ll do this favour for me, I’ll
throw in the KP9000C tractor for you to keep. And I’ll buy you and your son
anything you want for dinner at Saint Elmos in Carmel. Yeah, the Bandit and His
wife can com too. Hell, sure even Butch is included! Do we have a deal?
Great, I’ll send you the coordinates for the W.J.
Sons Bakery and where to deliver those ice cold O’flattery’s Brewski’s on SpartoCuss…
What? You don’t have a SpartoCuss account? Ok,
I’ll get Roscoe to let you know via your Ham radio or whatever contraption your
‘Ol KP900 rig has in it. 10-4 Good Buddy!
Catch Yuhs at the Speedrome in Brownsburg. As
you and Butch are welcome to join me in our luxury Turn-3 suite. Just make sure
you leave the front row seats vacant for Billy Jo and His entourage…
For
the previous Canamax Capers installment. Please visit the following No Fenders
link below.
http://www.nofenders.net/2024/11/indycars-old-fashioned-radio-programme.html
