Friday, February 27, 2009

Du-Du’in duh comca$t shuffle

So, have you ever had a Clark Griswold day where you feel like you’re at Wally World?
Yeah I know this is frivolous... BUTT! Although I Believe, that the switch to versus will be worthwhile for us Open Wheel Racing fans... So far I’m NOT the least bit impressed by my local affiliate office of the company that owns them...

You see, comca$t has been trying to get me to switch over to Diige-It-TULL for the past few years now... As I made the mistake once of being suckered by them and having the “Freebee” Digital Coercion box mailed to me, of which I DON’T FRILLIN’ WANT!!! And thus I ended up paying $5 to mail it back to them... (Smooth move, eh?)

You see, after witnessing Aunty Harriet trying to work the darn blasted new fangled remote... As you’ve gotta go way up high and then work your way all the way down to 13... Hello? Hello? Oh, that’s NOT the telephone, is it?
Thus, being visually impaired, I’m EXTREMELY content with my Universal Remote with nice medium size buttons that’s very simple to operate during channel surfing, etc. As why does every new blasted device have to be smaller ‘N smaller? So call me Old School, but the equipment I already have works quite nicely for Mwah!

BUTT NO-OOOOOOhhhhhh!!! Thanxs to duh “Gubbernment” we gotta switch over to Diige-It-TULL immediately, whale I think so, I mean isn’t that happening February 17th? So after watching the Telescreen’s “Homey” comca$t commercials assuring me that I wouldn’t have to do ANYTHING for the upcoming changeover the last six months... Imagine my surprise when on the evening of Feb. 16th I received an automated phone call from comca$t informing me that in about 4hrs I’d be LOSING all of my channels above 30... WTF? As I won’t even begin telling you the story about being forced to drop my DISH TV service and sign-up for the flippin’ comca$t service... As the ONLY reason I went back to comca$t was in order to receive the SPEED channel, which yep, you guessed it is #33 on my dial, with #34 being Versus... ACK!

So, I turned to the channels on the intended brownout day and wall-lah nothing had happened and all channels were intact so SHEISA! What in the HELL is going on, eh?

Then the real fun begins... On Wednesday I received another phone call from comca$t; this time from a live person asking me if I’d gotten the memo about my service changes? Yeah – but everything’s’ still hunky dory; well Sir, I’m afraid you’ll be losing all of your “Preferred” Sports channels unless you act immediately and take us up on our special one time offer... Of which you’ll now need a Diige-It-TULL converter to receive these channels as (FUCKING!) comca$t has decided that to remain upon basic cable you’ll only be receiving a limited number of channels, i.e.; 20 or get with the program bubbah! SHEISA! (And pay the HIGHER FEES!) Would you like me to mail out one of our self installation kits?

NO! I’m visually impaired and will NOT be able to install the BLOODY F’ in Box, so how ‘bout sending out one of your friendly neighborhood helpers your commercials always talk about instead? Sir, I have NO idea what you’re talking about, but I can schedule you an appointment for a Technician to come out and install this... Fine; ok Sir, that’ll be $9.99, say what? Why in the BLOODY HELL should I have to pay to have a box I do NOT want but am being force to get due to your corporate policies... Well, Sir; do you have any friends? NO! Ok, well I cannot do anything about your dispute on the charge but would you like me to set up an appointment? Yes; Fine, go ahead please. Ok there will be a Technician coming out to install your converter next Tuesday (NO Hamburger jokes here...) between 8AM-Noon. Please feel free to call the following 1-888# I’ll give you to discuss this matter further.

So, the next morning I call the phone number and an automated voice say’s Hi, I’m ready to activate your new account... BUTT I don’t have any FRILLIN’ new account to activate, I just wanna speak to a customer representative... So I play the game of NOT answering any of the prompts hoping to get a live person eventually? Sir-Sir; how may I help you? I tell the first lady my issue and she asks if I may hold while she directs my call elsewhere... (Isn’t this where you magically get dumped while listening to the groovy musak?) Ok Sir, I’m transferring you to Sales, please stay on the line... Go ahead Amanda. Sir, how may I help you? So I explain my dilemma in regards to not wishing to have to pay for something I didn’t want in the first place... Uhm? Do you mind holding one moment Sir? Ok, I’m going to transfer you to somebody else that can help you with your problema... Really, Honest!

Hello, this is Dave; may I have your name, rank, serial number and shoe size please? Dave’s Not here right now... Open the door, its Dave... (Ro-Ro; Cheech ‘N Chong flashback ‘dare, eh?)

So, I tell Dave for the third time what I think STINKS... Whale Sir what number did you call? When did you call it? Ok Sir, I can write a 10-473-996/86PDS to credit your account and then schedule an appointment for a Technician to come out and perform the service... But I already have an appointment; You do? Yes it’s for Tuesday and now I’m rally-rally-rally hunkerin’ for a hamburger today! NO Sir! There are absolutely NO records of any appointment in our system...

BUTT! We have just mailed you out via UPS the self install Diige-It-TULL converter box... So, let me get you a different number to call when your box arrives and then you can set up an appointment!


All I want is my SPEED channel! (And Versus, although I suspect I’ll end up listening to qualifying via the IMS Radio Network) And is this all going to occur prior to the April 30th transition date that comca$t has imposed? (In order to keep their hugely INFLATED bottom line in the upper stratosphere!) Oh yes Sir, it’ll take NO time at all to schedule your appointment and have somebody come out and install your shiny new box... Is there anything else I can do to help you Sir? (Schedule the FRILLIN” appointment now? Oh yeah, that’s right, Dave’s NOT home right now...)

So, in case you haven’t figured out? I’m really looking forward to joining this Digital Revolution... Sure hope the leap is worth it, eh? And where in the HELL is my Diige-It-TULL conversion bailout, huh? Say, has anybody seen my remote? And what’s ‘dat? There’s gonna be a Princess Dan-Dan-Danicker special on Versus on March 7th...

Can you hear me now?Do you want Fries with that? And where’s the Beef?