Thursday, April 7, 2011

INDYCAR: Another MUNDANE ABC Telecast...

So by now I’m guessing that the 2011 season opening St Pete IndyCar race is a fleeting memory, which I watched upon returning from OZ – and haveda say overall I wasn’t immensely impressed with the race... Hence, in another DAMN YOU ‘DAWG! (Pressdog) moment, I’ll do my very own rendition of Sergio Leone’s The Good, the bad and THE UGLY! As in the immortal words ‘O Elmer Fudd: Be Berry-Berry Quiet; We’re hunting Wabbitz...

The Good
Obviously the best part about the St Pete race is the fact that we’re actually back to racing once again – after a most fraught winter’s Silly Season, that like the Energizer Rabbit, just seemed to keep going ‘N going on forever!

And it was good of Gary Peterson to throw ‘RAFA (Raphael) Matos a Lifeline; Hmm? I think that’s the name of somebody’s yacht I know in the great Pacific Northwest, piloted by Captain Tom... As it’s always good to have new blood enter the sport, as I’d haveda say we’re still a ways shy on number of Team Owners for the Big Cars at the moment, eh?

And the shortened, less than 1hr Dramamine Indy Central Pre-race show was much appreciated, as it zipped right along, especially when muting the sound for the B-I-G Starz ‘HULIO ‘N DannaWho? As even The Flying Dutchman (Arie Luyendyk) had a great quip on Wind Tunnel when asked by Dave Despain which drivers impress him these days? Luyendyk ‘Deadpanned and said: Naturally Danica Patrick is my Numero Uno favourite – lets get that right out of the way; Hya!

AFS Racing Mystery?
While I’m happy that Gary Peterson decided to step up To-the-Plate and give ‘RAFA another chance, it seemed like ABC could have done something upon the team, which was making its debut as a wholly separate entity from its earlier auspices in conjunction last year with Michael Andretti and Irish A1 GP Champion Adam Carroll, who is one of the many talented drivers currently sitting on the sidelines... As inquiring minds wanna know – does running the No. 17 mean they’ve bought the assets of Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing?

The Bad
Once again I found the ABC broadcast to be its typically horrific production... As there didn’t seem even the slightest effort to tell us who’d qualified where verbally; other then the Top-five positions. C’mon ABC (and Versus) take a look at SPEED’s F1 coverage... Hey Mr. Bernard, since you’re enjoying copying so-much from ‘RASSCAR, CART & Champ Car; how ‘bout copying the F1 theme’s of only a MAXIMUM of 30mins Pre-race and then tell me – the Fan, verbally how the drivers are starting Row-by-Row, a la the Royal Purple Formula 1 Starting Grid Bob Varsha & David Hobbs read off just before the start of a race!

And I was totally caught off guards by the mentioning of someone named James Jakes starting for Dale Coyne Racing. If it weren’t BAD enough that the ‘Hamburgular (Sebastian Bourdais) had cracked-up in the morning practice – making his Dallara-Honda chassis unrepairable for the race; Hmm? NO spare racecar’s at DCR? Then who in the HELL was this Jakes character who barely made the start after also wrecking his ‘Seester-car during the warm-up?

Double you’re Pleasure?
So how ‘bout Dem Double File restarts, eh? As what’s that Brian Braveheart said ‘bout Cautions breed Cautions? Yet if my memory’s correct? Double-file starts are nothing new, as I seem to recall one year at Portland International Raceway the start being delayed by 8-laps as either Massimiliano “MAD MAX” Papis and/or ‘The Brackster, nee Kenny Brack (or both?) were having troubles keeping the field in check and NOT accelerating prior to crossing the starting line...

Yet this abomination of a start for the season Kickoff makes me immediately flash back to something known as the US500 – where CART supposedly had ALL of the Stars, while the IRL had all of the Cars. (TG’s infamous 25-8 Rule...) Yet the vastly experienced professional CART drivers managed to wad up the starting grid into a messy ball ‘O carnage – being Red flagged; only to see crash instigator Jimmy Vasser win the race in a backup TCGR entry.

As the Indy Cars shenanigans remind me of Chump Carz dying days as a sports entity. (Although I do NOT think INDYCAR is on the decline...)


Thus ironically, it was none other than Dario “REO Speedwagon” leading nearly Wire-to-Wire for The Cheepster, nee Chip Ganassi in this Sleeper of a race, as the only other leader was Will Power for 6-laps, who simply seemed to lack the willpower to overtake franchitti on a road course NO less!

THE UGLY!
What in the name of tarnations is Marty “DoubleWide” Reid’s Man-crush OBSESSION with DannaWho? As I simply could NOT find my Aeroplane BARF bag fast enough, as ‘Ol Marty spent the entire broadcast swooning over Danica Patrick, as IndyCarz number two heartthrob ‘HULIO was outta the frame on Lap-1 after ramming Marky-Marc’s (Marco Andretti) backside... As Marco summed it up most succinctly: I think he MISSED his breaking point by about a football field! CRIKEYS! That’s funny, Yuhs hear?

Simona Shimmers  at St Pete
And although I’m a big fan of “Simona-Simona’s,” and really think she probably should have scored her debutant Indy Car podium – nice BLOCKING TK! Did anyone notice how nary a peep was made ‘bout who her sponsor was? As Marty & Scott pointed out several times the Geico Car, ‘HULIO’s Guidepoint entry, etc. NOT a word ‘bout Simona de Silvestro’s title sponsor was ever mentioned... And then most unusually, after the race, HVM Racing’s Boss Keith Wiggins simply referred to it as our sponsor.

Hmm? Y’all DON’T think it has anything to do with being the nuclear “CLEAN AIR” car do Yuhs! As in somehow I’m thinking it AIN’T a real good time to be sponsored primarily by the Nuclear Industry; Can you say Fukushima? (Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station) As not only are there extreme amounts of radiation escaping into the atmosphere. Now comes the published reports of radioactive water leaking directly into the Pacific Ocean!

Japan Struggles to Plug Leak as Radioactive Water Seeps Into the Sea


But DON’T expect to hear anybody at Versus expound upon this – since after all they’re 49% owned by the company that produced the Japanese Nuclear Power Plants now in peril, as after all GE brings good things to life, right?

1 comment:

  1. you are truly a terrible writer

    ReplyDelete