Saturday, December 28, 2019

Golden Tailpipe Awards: 2019 Streamliner edition

"RADD!" A Modern Day interpretation of the Golden Submarine originally made famous by Barney Oldfield debuted at the 2008 SEMA Show. (Image source:
Otay Kiddoes', it's that time 'O year again, Chirp-Chirp, Bueller? When I cap off another long, meandering year's storytelling from thou Isle of Nofendersville, when everybody's watching Football; Hut-Hut, Omaha! With my End of Year Overall Winners selections. Which Y'all can Compare 'N Contrast with last year's choices in;

As Here goes Nothin', with another Bevy 'O totally Spur 'O Thee Moment, Off Ye Cuff' Non Eggnog induced selections below...

1. Driver of Year
Winner: Kyle Kiser
Yeah, remember Kyle Kiser? As this was also gonna be my Story 'O Year before El Capitano' Pole Vaulted past the largely forgotten 2017 Indy Lights Champion's Month 'O May accomplishments.

But give Kyle, and even more Ricardo Juncos and his entire Juncos Racing Workforce it's Due for making the Unthinkable Happen. Y'all know when Kiser Knocked some Smarmy Spaniard outta this year's Indianapolis 500!

Unlike Fernando Alonso's initial foray at Mother Speedway in 2017, this was not a common sight for the Formula 1 World Champion this May at Indianapolis. (The Tomaso Collection)
Ah, just think, 'Ol Roger, Cheep and Mikey A' All want Guaranteed Starting Spots at Thee Brickyard, so we Can't have Any More types of these moments. Yuhs know, when the Fastest 33 Starters take the Green Flag at Indianapolis...

Other Choices
Ah, let's let Kyle revel in what appears to be his Brightest Moment in Motor Racing...

2. Story of Year
Winner: IMS Sold!
As Thee Speed Freaks SkattMann Caruthers said regarding this category. Take 2 Aspirin and Call Me in the Morning; Err Sleep it Off - If Y'all come up with Somme-thun' else!

Although Thee Mayor 'O Hinchtown, nee James Hinchcliffe Somewhat surprising Dismissal from SPAM', aka Arrow McLaren SP's IndyCar team was leading the race. But the absolutely Shocking Decision of the Hulman-George's to Cash Out; Err Sell Mother Speedway to Octogenarian Roger Penske simply Dwarfs any other candidate!

Simon Pagenaud's Team Penske Dallara DW12-Chevrolet in IMS Tech line preparing to Qualify for the 2018 Indianapolis 500. (The Tomaso Collection)
3. Race of Year
Winner: Petit Le Mans
It would be simple to choose the Indianapolis 500 for this, but I won't since that's too obvious. While Thars' two Grands Prix that stick out for Mwah. And whilst the Sebring 12 Hours would be a good choice, I'm going with Petit Le Mans instead.

As the Car that should have Won, the Mustang Sally; Whoa Nelie definitely Didn't get Wooed Down in time, with a Freakish Brake Caliber explosion!

And a Manufacturer's Title not decided until 15-20mins lefts in the race when the No. 5 Action Express Racing Cadillac DPi VR's brake caliber problem occurred, inexplicably knocking them from thoust lead! Not to mention 'Ol Bimmer Billy's final lap pass for the GT Daytona Class lead, after 10hrs of racing...

Other Choices
Brazilian/German Grands Prix and Indianapolis 500

4. Sportsperson of Year
Winner: Erica Enders
Presumably when Y'all think of Female NHRA Champions, Shirley "cha cha" Muldowney probably comes very first to mind. Which makes this year's accomplishment by Erica even more impressive.

As Enders Stevens becomes only the third woman to be a Three Times NHRA Champion, as can Yuhs name the other? Times Up! It's Angelle Sampey who won three consecutive Pro Stock Motorcycled titles between 2000-02.

As Erica becomes the first female triple Pro Stock Champion, after having won titles in 2014-15, and is probably only one of a very select few Pro Stock Drivers with multiple Pro Stock crowns.

Honourable Mention
Jianna Salinas

Not to take anything away from Erica Enders Stevens, but this Fairy tale weekend for the previously never heard of Jianna Salinas, who as a 22yr old Rookie, rode her way from her No. 13 Qualifying position All the way to her very first ever NHRA Pro Stock Motorcycle Win!

And Salinas did it the Hard Way, having to beat eventual 2019 Champion Matt Hines in the first round, before knocking off two further potential 2019 Pro Stock Motorcycle Champions en route to her first ever Wally!

As Jianna becomes only the fifth Female Rider to win an NHRA Pro Stock Motorcycle event. For which Y'all can watch the entire event in the following, lengthy video.

5. Flatliner' of year
Winner: Steve Torrence
Although I Don't follow Drag Racing, I do hear 'bout it via Speed Freaks, when they're on the Radio! And tend to recall that Steve Torrence, the 2018 NHRA Top Fuel Champion was on A lot for frequently winning.

As Torrence, who drive's for his family's Catgo' Torrence Racing concern, in one of the "Smaller" Teams, especially vs. Cubic Dollar Powerhouse Don Schumacher Racing, (DSR) and John Force Racing. Has simply put a Beat-down upon the Nitro' Rail class en route to his second, consecutive NHRA Top Fuel Dragster Championship this year.

Other Choices
Erica Enders, Brittany Force, Robert Hight and John Force

6. Rider of Year
Winner: Faabio Quartararo
Although I Don't know anything 'bout this French Rider, this MotoGP Rookie certainly was the revelation of the season, mush to thoust Consternation 'O Johann Zarco, Maverick vinales and All of the Yamaha Riders, with the exception of Thee Doctor, Righto?

But you'd have to Arse-sume' he's being groomed for Bigger Things, like a Yamaha Factory Ride? As he'll be given the latest 2020 Spec Yamahopper MR1 Machinery next season, and broke Marc Marquez's MotoGP record for youngest ever Pole Winner this year...

Other Choices
Marc Marquez, Alex Rins

7. Sports Car Driver of Year
Winner: Mario Farnbacher
Yeah, I know, it's probably somewhat Cornfuzing, Eh? Since I also typically call Mario Andretti SuperMario'. But what's that saying 'bout Uhm, Ah, Flattery? As I also enjoy calling this Bad Arse Sports Car Ace SuperMario!

As I've been a Fan of Mario's a longtime now, ever since his long forgotten days at Team Seattle's Heart of Racing, behind the wheel of Alex Job's iconic #23 Porsche 911 Panzerwagons, Ja Volt!

Thus I'm elated that Farnbacher finally get's the recognition he's due, having won this year's GT Daytona Drivers Championship! Since he's long played the dutiful Supporting Cast member.

Other Choices
"Bimmer Billy," aka Bill Auberlen

8. Freak of Year
Winner: Johann Zarco
Otay, the only thing I can think worthy of this category is the Freak Accident/Injury Johann Zarco suffered at the season ending MotoGP round at Valencia, when he was hit by a competitor's Rider-less motorcycle!

Not to mention his Mega Wonky' 2019 MotoGP season, being dropped by KTM, subbing at LCR and initially saying he didn't want to ride for the "lowly" Avintia Racing concern, which is exactly what he'll be doing in 2020.

9. Quip of Year
Winner: Anthony Davidson
ANT's' classic retort that Sebring's Bumpier than COTA is! When All the Rage was over how Bumpy Austin's Circuit Of The Americas (COTA) had become in the past year since the Formula 1 Circus had visited Thar. Having previously noted in another long, meandering No Fenders tome:

Whilst the topic of the day was the track's ultra bumpiness, for which per Tipicali, Golden Child, nee Lewis Hamilton was heard via his In-car radio proclaiming This is the Bumpiest Track in the World! To which Sky Sports Pundit ANT', nee Anthony Davidson Quipped back before Hamilton's comment ended, No it's Not, Sebring is!

And I burst out in laughter over Robin Liddel's Brilliant Quip 'bout "When EJ' Had Hair?" Comment to Jeremy Shaw during the Petit Le Mans IMSA Radio Broadcast...

While Kroftie's', nee David Kroft's Dry Sardonic Quip 'bout What do You even Say to Cats? Was also Brilliant in response to an F1 Viewer having Tweeted the Formula 1 race was so Boring it put his Cat to Sleep.

Open Wheel Racing Series
If you've enjoyed my Overall selections above, then Y'all may wish to check out my other two previous No Fenders posts regarding my selections for the following Disciplines...

 As that's a Wrap for the Year Kiddee's, as it's been Ah royal Pain in thoust Keister' trying to load this Monsterous Blog Post in nearly Whiteout conditions for Mwah! Strugglin' to S-E-E what I'm doing...

Err, Uhm? Oh Yeah, It's been Ah blast! As see Yuhs All next year, when I'll plan upon returning "Full Throttle" somewheres' after January 6, 2020.