Wednesday, January 14, 2015

No Fenders Golden Tailpipe Awards: Volume 3 (2014 edition)



So it's that time again; CRIKEYS! And did I really unleash a 10-page Monstrosity upon Y'all last year; YIKES!


As I've decided to split this winter's ramble into another Nofendersville two-part trilogy; Hooah! Although I must admit that three events this year have conspired against my recent excitement over motor racing, i.e.; Jules Bianchi, Kevin Ward Jr. and Uncle Bernaughty...

Golden Goose
Yeah, I know that timeless saying of be careful for what you wish for, but! Oh how I revel for the day that Messer Bernard Ecclestone NO longer rules the roost... As what more can I say about a man who wriggles his way out of a Bribery charge by PAYING off the German Court with a cheque for $100m! As it seems pretty irrefutable that he paid jailed banker Gerhard Gribkowsky $44m,

Not to mention, he didn't even pay with his own money! Since he's been milking the CVC Capital Partners Cash Cow ever since selling Gribkowsky down the river! And now to boot, he wants to play Hardball with the F1 Minnows Force India, Lotus and Sauber, telling them what CARTEL? KISS MY BLEEPITY BLEEP! Oh Never Mind!


Silver Spoon
While RASSCARZ' Chase format actually panned out this year, especially in terms of improved TV ratings; can Y'all say more Moohlah! Undoubtedly the biggest story in Taxicab land was Tony Stewart's ugly Sprint Car accident, which claimed the life of Kevin Ward, Jr.


As 'SMOKE will have to live with this horrible occurrence for the rest of his life, and what more can I really say on the matter? For which I'm no longer commenting about...


Brass Balls
This year seems pretty quiet, albeit haven't really been trolling for STUPIDITY lately, as the never ending "Boyz have at I-T!" attitude prevails in RASSCAR; Sigh. Although it's been nice not having Mikey "Ah Shucks!" Waltrip or Jay 'Pissinbootz Penske to kick around; Hya!

thus, this year's winner is Indy Cars horrifically RETARDED continued "Truncated" Schedule, as seriously  IndyCar? You're doing yourself an injustice by being off the collective Sports Fans  radars for over half the year!


Post-race Season Banquet
And although everybody’s either done it or doing I-T! Once again, here’s my very un-scientific awards categories, which may or may not have been induced by thee eggnog; Hya!

Yet in an effort to reduce the Gynormous size 'O last year's Monstrosity! as typical here in Nofendersville, I've split I-T into two-part Harmony, Honest! (Even if I joked about I-T being a trilogy...) And will make Y'all wait a 'lil while longer to discover some of the obvious picks this year...

Most Underrated Driver of the Year
F1: Nico Hulkenberg
Once again, while his fellow countrymen "Brittany & TWINKIEBOY," nee Nico Rosberg and Seb' Vettel respectively were basking in the media spotlight, thee "Incredible Hulkster" simply went about his business as typical by letting his On-track results do his  talking! As Hulkenberg notched up 96-points, nearly twice his Force India team-mate Sergio Perez's 59.

As I suppose the only thingy missing will be his longed-for ride at Scuderia Ferrari, for which he's got the proper number, (#27) albeit I can't see Maranello going A-L-L German  after Raikkonen leaves...

IndyCar: Mike Conway
Otay, so he may not be so underrated anymore, but! Just really enjoy how Mike "Ice-Ice, Baby!" Conway has bounced back from  seemingly tossing his IndyCar career away to bringing wins to Dale Coyne and  Ed Carpenter, both who were shrewd enough to hire the blistering quick 'Twisty driver who paid them back by racking up three  "W'S!"

Race of the Year
F1: Hungary
Otay, suppose there's others  that could have taken the prize, a la Bahrain, which I DON'T watch, Oh 'KanaDuh and Hmm? Yet I simply enjoyed the heck outta thee reputed "HungaBoring," which this year was anything but that eh! As thee young Messer 'Ricky Ricciardo sliced 'N diced his way to his second of an amazing three victories this season. As the 'Aussie took NO Prisoners upon blasting past Lewis Hamilton and Fernando Alonso who were both trying to "All Skate" home on worn Pirelli rubber, while  Daniel  had fresh tyres, albeit  having made an extra stop strategy-wise...

IndyCar: Sonoma
Bet Y'all didn't see that coming, right? Hooah! As this is purely for selfish reasons, i.e.; only IndyCar race of the year I attended! Not  to mention what looked like a pretty dull race, turned into a real Humdinger after DJ WillyP" called "SMOKE ON!" As where in thee HELL did  Scott Dixon come from, eh?

Of course, Mother Speedway's event  was another classic, as well as Iowa for Ovals, while Mid Ohio was pretty entertaining as well, but Sonoma was my Darling of the year, as I even went so far as wishing for thee 'Graminator (G. Rahal) to win his first race in 6yrs, marveling in watching him eek away from the three car freightrain 'O Conway-Ryan Hunter-Ray-Dixon shadowing him mercilessly before Graham ran low on fuel...

Most Inspiring Driver of the Year
F1: Daniel Ricciardo
What more can I say, then how can Y'all not be inspired by this cheeky 24yr old 'Aussie,  who's completely spanked  four time world champion and departing team-mate Sebastian Vettel's Heinnee, Ja Volt! Not to mention racing epically against other world champions, most notably "Fredrico Suave," (Fred Alonso) with the pair fighting each other cleanly. And then there's his first three career F1 victories, all of which were electrifying, especially since who'd uh thunk I-T? That the Red Bull AIN'T the chassis to beat this year...

IndyCar: Justin Wilson
Originally was gonna give this to my other favourite, i.e. to whom  'CARPETS calls "Pageantry," (Simon Pagenaud) but thinking of the categories title, and Geo. Phillips  excellante point 'bout how  nobody try's harder than my Numero Uno boy Justin 'B-I-G UNIT Wilson, not to mention always in a low budget ride, who more deserves not only the tip "O thee cap, but also the vacated #27 Andretti Autosport ride!


Rookie Of the Year
F1: Daniil Kvyat
Candidates: Marcus Ericsson, Daniil Kvyat, Andre Lotterer, Kevin Magnussen, Will Stevens.

Although probably for different reasons? Like selling Red Bull in Russia? Nonetheless, the 'Rooskie Piloto Daniil Kvyat has simply impressed thee HELL outta me, and seems like he's done the most of the three  fulltime rookies. As you'd expect MAGS JR' to kick ARSE in a McLaren, while Ericsson had a woeful mount to try ringing his way forward with all year long...

IndyCar: Carlos Huertas
Candidates: Mikhail Aleshin; Jack Hawksworth, Carlos Huertas, Carlos Munoz.
A very good rookie crop indeed! As all four are worthy, as they all stood atop the podium this year. And whilst Carlos Silk' Munoz  was the official ROY, (Rookie Of the Year) my choice goes to his virtually unknown countryman Carlos Huertas, who simply did more with less, piloting a Dale Coyne Racing IndyCar to victory no less at Houston ahead of elder countryman Juan Pablo Montoya and Munoz, driving for the Penske and Andretti Powerhouses...

Classiest Driver of the Year
Just can't STOP myself! Just like that famous Energizer bunny, the story just keeps going on 'N on; Hooah! As I needed to work Bloody 'Ol JENSE' into the mix, who seems like he's getting somewhat of a  Bum Steer this  end of season!

F1: Jenson Button
Suppose if I'd done this category last year, then  I'd have picked Mark "Handlebarz" Webber, but instead, after Tacoma Bureau Chief Mary Ellen casually said "He seems like a really nice Bloke!" As I was listening to the end of the Brazilian GP wrap-up, how could I not agree?

Although I haven't always been a fan 'O Jenson's, as he pushed my Button with that overly nauseous Mobil 1 "Soda Cookies, Jenson?" commercial... Nevertheless, Button seems like he's been getting a raw dealio from thee 'Ronster this year, and I fear he's getting a pretty unceremonious Boot to his F1 career...

IndyCar: Ryan Hunter-Reay
YIKES! Never thought I'd see the day when I nominated the driver I still recognize as "Bully-Ray!" to such a category; Aye Karumba! Yet, even with this year's up & down season, can't recall him ever getting mopey or throwin' his crew "Underneath duh Bus!" And surely his last lap pass, thank goodness! of 'HULIO for this year's Indy 500 victory was classy A-L-L the way...

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