Thursday, December 27, 2012

No Fenders 1st Annual Golden Tailpipe Awards...

“Symone Pagenoe” (Simon Pagenaud) replaced injured Ana Beatriz in 2011 to get his first Indy Cars drive. (Source: racing-pistons.blogspot.com)
Ah, the majik ‘O Confuzers, as your humble No Fenders scribe should be awash in Holidazes tranquility with family members at Tomaso Manor right now... Hence, here’s ‘Juan more story to tide Y’all over during the belated holiday season...

Since although I swear I did ‘Somme-thun similar last year; knowing that Good ‘Ol BillyBob Brazenheartz, nee Brian Barnhart was featured prominently, nevertheless, here goes my first ‘Offical crack at my newly anointed Golden Tailpipe Awards... NO coanda effects included!

Golden Goose Egg
Categorily, without doubt, thee recipient of the first ‘Offical golden laid egg goes hands down to Hulman & Company’s Board of Directors atrocious bungling over Randy “The CandyMann” Bernard’s dismissal; Err, oh yeah,  that’s right, I forgot; Mr. Bernard resigned! Uhm, stepped down; yeah, that’s the ticket...

As Jeffery “The Walrus” Belskus’s handling? Of the entire affair was absolutely pathetic & overly disgusting in his inability to handle the matter better, as let’s all recall his primary worry over the tumultuous week presiding over this titanic firestorm. Y’all know when Mr. Belskus said he wished he’d gotten more sleep when asked upon the matter - SPEW!
And thus the first Golden Pyle goes to Mr. Jeffery Belskus...


Silver Spoon
Although I didn’t watch the race, I feel that another Jeff deserves this award, as Jeffery “PrettyBoy Floyd” Gordon really lost whatever respect I’d had given him, if its really true that he completely ignored the black flag issued to him at Phoenix and then drove off in a tizzy and purposely crashed into Clint boywer. As way to go ‘RASSCAR! Handing out that massive $100,000 fine to a multi-millionaire and putting him on double secret probation for one race; OUCH! That musta really put the fear ‘O the France’s into Gordon, eh? SHAME ON YOU NASCAR!

Brass Balls
This year’s recipient is none other than Jay “Pissinbootz” Penske, for his marvelous lack of maturity, taste and machoism by pissing himself silly all over some woman’s boots in a parking lot after an apparent all evening bender...


And although everybody’s either done it or doing I-T! Here’s my very un-scientific awards categories, which may or may not have been induced by thee eggnog; Hya! And thus shouldn’t be all that different then what’s traditionally done...


Driver of the Year
Both of these choices pain me mightily, especially since they’re my current most dreaded drivers in their respective series...

F1: Fernando Alonso
I must admit, Fredrico Suave, a.k.a. Fred Alonso drove the most brilliant season of his F1 career, having begun what la Scuderia publicly denounced as it’s ugliest car ever! As surely Alonso didn’t deserve the early season victory in Malaysia, yet he simply squeezed thee CRAP out of the flailing F2012 - a characteristic trait he utilized the entire season, even having the audacity to lead the championship by 40-points at one point before finishing a scant three points adrift of the championship in a chassis surely NO match for Red Bull’s! And NO, I made my choice prior to reading the following RACER Top 10 article below...

IndyCar: Ryan Hunter-Reay
Although I’m NOT a huge fan ‘O RHR’s, more content to call him BULLY-RAY instead, since he seems to throw temper tantrums when not getting his way... Nevertheless, you’ve gotta say Hunter-reay performed most admirably this season, seemingly coming out of nowhere to win three races in-a-row and ultimately snatching the title away from Will Power by driving the wheels off of his Andretti Autosport machine ‘n doing what he needed to do...


Car of the Year
This one should be obvious... Can you say RB8? As in Adrian Newey’s 2012 double World Champion Red Bull racecar...

Race of the Year
F1: Abu Dhabi
Although I’d suppose that Brazil or even perhaps Britain could be considered for this honour, I gave it to Abu Dhabi, albeit not for the reasons you might think? Although I was shouting loudly at thee ‘Telie for Kimi to win, you simply must marvel over Vettel’s coming thru the pack not once, but twice in order to claim third place and probably befuddle the ‘Buh-jesus outta Alonso, right? As I believe this is the drive that secured his third F1 world championship!

IndyCar: Indianapolis
Did Y’all even remotely doubt that? As it was mesmerizing just being in the stands at IMS; or was that hallucinating from the H-E-A-T; Hya! Although I also thoroughly enjoyed the heck outta another Ovaltrack; Texas, where a most surprising Justin ‘BIG UNIT Wilson won his first ‘Roundy-round... which Messer Power needs to do next year, with Long Beach garnering third step upon the podium...

Most Inspiring Driver of the Year
F1: Kimi Raikkonen
”Just leave me alone, I know what I’m doing!”
That was the quip of the year - coming NO less from thee original Iceman, nee ‘Kimster, or Kimi Raikkonen, which Y’all simply have to give it up to the master of Monoslavicism, eh?

IndyCar: Simon Pagenaud
Another prejudiced pick here, as I’m simply NUTS over this Frenchman, who I feel is one of the Baddest Arse drivers on the grid, and truly look forward to his debutant ICS victory, especially behind the wheel of Underdog Sam Schmidt Motorsports umbrella...

Most Improved Team of the Year
F1: Lotus
Was it the car or the driver? As surely nobody would have picked thee ‘Kimster to finish third in this year’s driver’s title fight, right? Yet, as always, it’s a package dealio, and obviously the Boyz at Enstone improved the package remarkably from the 2010 Flamethrower in just a scant two seasons en route to recording a team by the name Lotus winning for the first time since 1987...

IndyCar: Andretti Autosports
With the departure of Queen Danica and Dannyboy ‘SPIKE Wheldon’s unexpected death, who’d uh-thunka this team would respond the way it did, ultimately winning four races en route to Mikey’s first title as a team owner since ‘Twenty-oh-seven...

Most Underrated Driver of the Year
F1: Kamui Kobayashi
Or ‘K-Squared as I affectionately call him, surely has to be a worthy recipient of this award, albeit I was hard pressed to choose between the affable Japanese pilot, Nico Hulkenberg or Daniel Ricciardo. Yet Kamui’s audacious third place podium finish at Suzuka - where he held off the late charging ‘JENSE (Button) sealed the deal for me...

IndyCar: Justin Wilson
Yep, had to go with my Numero Uno driver, thee ‘B-I-G UNIT! As his impromptu first win on an oval NO less! Simply showed off the talents of this English driver, as can you imagine how he’d fare if he’d ever get a ride in some top flight machinery? Hmm?  Let’s say the fourth Ganassi-mobile at G2...

Biggest Cock-ups of the Year
F1: McLaren’s unreliability, although ultimately winning seven races, how many times did mechanical gremlins waylay “Louise ‘JAGUAR” Hamilton’s pursuit of victory? As I’m still guessing this played a factor in his decision to leave...

IndyCar: Unfortunately this award has to reluctantly go to Will Power & Team Penske whom managed  to throw away the ICS title for a third year in-a-row, although I’d rather give it to Graham Rahal, who earned the new moniker Grahamcracker after managing to toss away almost certain victory at Texas; Yee Haw! Although I suppose the biggest Joker card played upon us was the ridiculous ‘Luddi (Powered by Lotus) ‘lumps, which not only were laughable at best, but were also the demise of HVM Racing...

Most Disappointing Teams
Sadly, both of these recipients are getting this spotlight not for their team per sei, but instead their respective circumstances...

F1: HRT F1 Team
This isn’t the team’s fault, as this award goes solely to the Fine Folks at “Thespian” Capitol, i.e.; the bankers at Thesan Capital who simply thought they could flip the team for a profit and instead ran it into the gutter.

Actually, I thought the team did pretty good for their circumstances, as the cars ran with the “lowly” ‘Cossie lumps only utilized by Backmarker squads, while Pedro de la Rosa and the “Speediest Indian” (Narain Karthikeyan) both comfortably qualified each weekend out of the 107% Rule’s relegation zone, albeit Karthikeyan did make the highlight reels when his hydraulics seized and caused his steering to fail directly in the path of the fast approaching ‘Brittany... (Nico Rosberg)

IndyCar: HVM Racing
I’ve always liked Keith Wiggins ever since he came over to IndyCar after his abortive F1 career as a Constructor, as he’s always seemingly gotten more out of what he had to work with. Yet this year it all went horribly “Pear Shaped” with the choice to run the loquacious “Luddi-lump,” nee Lotus engine. And I suppose we’ll never know who did what, as in was Wiggins forced into this choice by not being able of getting one of the elusive Honda or Chevy engine leases? And why wouldn’t Lotus release them from the albatross around their necks? Or better yet, why didn’t IndyCar help HVM out of this predicament... Can you say ‘Greenbacks!

But SHAME ON YOU IndyCar and Lotus for forcing one of the hardest working team owners out of the league...

Big ‘Boyz Rising Starz
F1: Sergio Perez
Otay, I’m a bit prejudiced here, since I’ve been a ‘Mega fan ever since Sergio cracked the F1 grid in 2011, even if such drivers as Paul di Resta were theoretically better than him. Thus his fine triple podium placings this year were enough to impress the folks at Woking, albeit there might be some Mexican TelMex sponsorship wrangling here? Yet I became most impressed by his masterful drive of nipping at Alonso’s heels for his debutant win at Malaysia this year, and became even more impressed seeing him in the Post-race interview session, which I haveda say I prefer the TV Unilateral format over the gimmicky Podium celebration...

IndyCar: Joseph Newgarden
Cannot get over how much of a *STUD!* This Tennessean driver is... And yeah, he had moments of blunder, which all rookies are entitled to, yet his audacious passing of King Dario at Long Beach after starting from the front row surely gives us a peak at what to expect in the future, right? Now if somebody would just step up and sponsor this team; URGH!

No comments:

Post a Comment