Thursday, May 29, 2008

INDY 500: Spectali du jour

So did everybody watch the Big race at the Speedway? As it was perhaps “Juan ‘O” the most hilarious events that I’ve made the PAIN Staking effort of sitting thru four and one half hours plus to watch… As I made the mistake of watching the Pre-race follies, which immediately made me reach for the phone and leave Danny B a message of how ABC had already pegged the BARF-OH-METER!!! With the sinister, scary, dramatic theme of “Thar’s A Storm Brewing!” As Danica, Helios, Marky Mark and Graham all try to thread the eye ‘O the needle as “The GREATEST Drivers in North America are now all United!” SHEISA!!! Where in the hell are my Rolaids?

Will Danica Patric win the Indy 500 in only her fourth start? Hi, I’m Brent Mess-Burger and what about Danica! As she’s sweeping the nation… After talking aboot the “Earle’s” Poster children, Mess-Burger segwayed into the two Target boyzs, with NO mention ‘bout Tony Kanaan…

And then FINALLY it was time to hear my good buddy Gomer Pyle sing Backhoed in Indiana once again… As curiously I find this to be the BEST part of the entire pre-race festivities… Back Home Again in Indiana! As I can see the sycamore… Yeah, James Neighbors was back again after his one year hiatus and he sounded a HELL of a lot BETTER then Julie Ann “Recola” Hawk…

And then the drama began, as Sarah Fisher couldn’t get her Honda lump to cooperate… Which kinda summed up her entire month of May, eh? As she finally got the reluctant engine to turn over; musta been ‘dem Diehard batteries and thus we were off!

And as I was trying futilely to get the blinkin Indy website to open as I’d already had too much of ABC’s drama… I missed the first yellow flag which waived on lap 8 for debris… Which apparently was attributed to Bruno Junqueira’s mirror falling off! And since the crew didn’t have any spares on hand, it would take 14 laps to complete repairs… Yet I seem to recall this same fate happening once before, years ago to perhaps one of ‘Ol Super Tex’s cars?

And Justin “STORK” Wilson wasn’t able to hear his radio telling him Pit-Pit-Pit and thus was forced to stay out with Buddy “Jordache” Rice, with the pair running 1-2 while everybody else headed for the pits, yet meanwhile as le internets failed to cooperate, I returned to luh Telescreen to see Fisher parked sideways in the warm-up lane in some corner as Eddie Under-A-Cheever noted you should never be trying to scrub the tires in a corner… Yet, Eddie did get the comment of the day by calling Scott Goodyear “The Nerd from Kan-a-Duh!”

Then it was time for the next caution as rookie Alex Lloyd grazed the wall and slowed dramatically in front of Graham Rahal causing him to hit the wall… Hmm? What was that about some Storm thingy? As those in RASSCAR land like to say, cautions breed cautions… As my notes seem to bleed together

Where’s Danicker now? Oh one of the tire changers has had trouble with the nuts…

And geez, how ‘bout ‘dat? Although Darren Manning gave Buddy Rice a love tap while leaving the pits, these two guys managed to keep from crashing in pit lane… (Note to Princess)

And spare a thought for AJ “QUATTRO” Foyt IV… that had NOT one, but two fires this month of May, (Queue up the Great Balls ‘O Fire song here!) as suddenly during another yellow flag pit stop, Quattro’s vision of a decent finish went up in flames… As My Name is IRL noted, you’d think perhaps Tony could land some Tabasco sponsorship, eh? Although Foyt IV was ok, adding insult to injury was the fact that he’d need a new helmet as the fire had apparently damaged (melted?)his first crash helmets visor. DAMN! Who forgot the marshmallows for S’mores…

(Young Anthony would be 19 laps in arrears due to the fire… But, I think it would be hilarious if he sported a FLAME job on his helmet for the Milwaukee Mile event…)

Then it was time for Marty “TURTLE” Roth to smack the Safer Barrier… As he likes to traditionally end his races this way, while H. Dancing’ Fool Castro-neeves collected a piece of debris from Roth’s accident and would need a new nose… (Careful, NO Ron Dennis jokes here) At the same time Team Penske would uncharacteristically give Ryan “The Dude” Briscoe too many turns of opposite lock on his front wings… Not allowing him to catch-up to Danica?

Where’s Danicker now? Has she said anything on the radios… What’s that? Her car is SLOW? And she CAN’T pass anybody? That’s a big 10-4 Rubber Ducky…

Yawn… Hey, we haven’t had a caution in a few laps now. Shuh-Zamm! It’s Jamie Carnuba smacking the wall! While fellow South of the Border rookie Mario Morises apparently was having trouble finding the “Majic Rings” that help you get around the Speedway.

And then the leading the race at halfway curse struck again… As Marty “Move over Boyzs, Here comes Danica” Reid noted that ONLY three drivers leading on lap 100 had gone on to win the race, as Tony “Follow your snauz” Kanaan was the hapless victim of an overly aggressive teammate… Spinning out in the marbles and being T-Boned by the unlucky Fisher. As I swear it sounded like Marco was crying when they played the radio transmission of the young Andretti saying” Tell him I’m SORRY!” (To which TK responded; He better be!)

Where’s Danicker now? How’s her hair? Have we played her Who’s your Daddy commercial lately? Yet I broke into great laughter as apparently all of ABC’s Princess Danicker on the Brain caused Brent Mess-Burger to have a “Senior Moment” when he proclaimed after the commercial break that Tony Kanaan had just been taken out by Danica Patrick!

And what’s this? Jeff Simmons has just spun out and tapped the wall during another caution.

And then Tomas Scheckter who’d been leading the Penske’s all day was out with a broken driveshaft, while the other little team that could saw Vitor Meira go from third to first with 40 laps left approximately… If only Princess could have stayed outta The Dude’s way! Yet, the class of the field all day, Scott Dixon who led for 115 laps was superbly serviced by his Ganassi pit crew and beat Meira off of pit lane and would cross the yard of bricks first…

Dixon who was the first New Zealander to win the Pole would also become the first Kiwi to have his face put upon the Borg Warner trophy… As only 19 drivers have won from P1 in the 92 runnings of the Indy 500, but were those the Greatest Drivers or what? As they’d run up a total of 69 laps of yellow for eight cautions, which I believe is the second most in history? Yet, with Dixon’s dominance the whole month of May, the Kiwi would happily collect a record $2.98 million at the awards banquet, which featured a record $14.4m purse, increased 26% over last years payout, with every driver guaranteed a minimum of $270,000.

And isn’t it Hilarious that the leagues two “Biggest Starzs” (Princess ‘N Dancing’ Fool) were both warned about BLOCKING! While even funnier whas the fact that ABC’s big four favourites had mixed results…


  1. The Princess's going to get an F1 test, they say, so she was just emulating Schumacher's '98 Spa march thru the pits. The driving part, more Ralf than Michael, I fear.

  2. I've read through most of your posts over the past couple months. You clearly know an insane amount about open-wheel racing.

    But I can't figure out what your deal is on the IRL. Are you a hater? I'm assuming you are just taking your sweet time coming around because Champcar went down in flames.

    In my opinion while there were obviously a few too many cautions (lots of rookies and hastily thrown together cars will do that to you) I'll take Indy over anything else in racing. I'm not hating on street/road courses because I agree the smaller ovals can be tiresome. But the 2.5 miler is amazing, especially in person.

    Great blog, by the way.

  3. Princess Danicker like Ralf? I like it!

    Nah, I'm NOT an IRL hater... Just a griseled 'Ol Timer CART/Champ Car devotee who swore he'd never go to Indy after Tony George pulled his infamous 25-8 IRL only stunt back in the late '90's...

    But, hey! Give me a chance, as perhaps you've read that I've now been to Indy a total of three times and am planning to make my gala Indy 500 debut next year, as all I can say is anything's better 'den RASSCAR!!!