Monday, April 28, 2008

Wipeout!

Whuh-whuh-whuhh-whuhh-whuhh-Wuhh WHIPEOUT!!!

ALL I can say is watch your ears… As my Eddie Carpentier F-BOMB’s a comin’ F%%K YOU ESPN2!!!
Note to Marty Reid, I think the Indy Car World Series wave has CRASHED… As the “Red Headed Step-child ‘O Motorsports has gotten the SHAFT two race weekends in a row…

As previously mentioned during the Motegi Twin Rings ‘O Venus elongated television coverage, having sat thru 130 minutes of Stork sightings and then having the next days airing on the most DESPISED Broadcast channel I noted;

And even better yet, if you wish to win over us Champ Car diehards… Then don’t put the FRILLIN’ Delayed race coverage on ESPN Classic… Cause many households DON’T have access to that channel…

Thus imagine my DISGUST when sitting down to watch HA-HA! The Roadrunner 300 as there was FRILLING Women’s Golf beaming back at me… As Son ‘O a Bitch! I think the networks are taking this Danicker Patrick LUV-FEST just a little too far… I mean what the HELL! Baiting us with promises of watching the Princess do battle on the high banks of Kansas Speedway and FORCING us to watch a bunch ‘O Women playing “Wackem-mobile” instead… SHEISA!

According to ESPN’s statistics, 63 million households have the iconic Classic channel, by which my math suggests is roughly one-fifth or 20% of the current U.S. population… So, if Indy Car is trying to reel-in new non-gearhead spectators, you’d better get a grip upon your Broadcasting partner…

As I decided to BOYCOTT watching the DELAYED TV Coverage, instead settling for the IMS Radio Broadcast via le internets, but I digress…

Hopefully this years Indy 500 will be a HELLA-LOT BETTER then the three ring Circus carnival held at Kansas… Because if this is the peenacle of Open Wheel Racing, then: Tony, we’ve got a Problem!

Here’s a quick lowdown of race highlights’;
Enrique “Half Gainer” Bernoldi performs his version of Danny Sullivan’s Spin ‘N Win with a solo 360 degree pirouette on lap one.

Marty Roth tries spearing a Luczo Dragon Racing pit worker while sliding into home base, err, his pit box. Which earns the Kuh-Nuck a Stop ‘N Go penalty, while dropping Tomas Scheckter to the rear of the field.

Apparently Mr. Roth was so shaken by the whole episode that he almost collected seven cars when returning to the race track at reduced speed before deciding to pull in and park his car for the day in order to change his shorts!

Milka Duno spins all by herself while departing pit lane.

EJ Viso spins out Tomas Scheckter, which ends the Southern Afrikaner’s 2008 race debut.

Vitor Meira retires once again after having struck a wayward tire during routine HA-HA! Pit stops, as ironically the tire came off of Jay Howard’s car and thus the Roth Racing driver earned a black flag.

Next , EJ “DON’T call me Ernesto” Viso was caught by the crack colour commentator Davey Hamilton throwing a series of blocking moves upon Edward Carpenter, while Dan-Dan-Danicher was displaying her bareback ridin’ skills by visiting the marbles up towards the Safer barrier, before falling fowl to a bizarre race retirement due to broken studs… Err, a broken wheel hub failure.

Next, while Buddy Rice was busy punching the sidepod of his Dallara and doing a half hearted Robby “DIRTMAN” Gourdoun steering wheel toss… Having missed ALL of the on-track competitors still standing… We’re treated to a 19 lap yellow flag caution period to clean the remainder of Rice’s Black ‘N Blue chassis.

And while all of that was going on, EJ Viso was busy pulling into the WRONG pit stall, which just happened to belong to Ed Carpenter who was in the act of pitting! And thus had to overshoot his pit stall and wait to be pulled back before getting nailed for being on pit lane when the yellow flag was thrown. Of which also caused race leader Scott Dixon to get pimped by the caution after having led the first 150+ laps… Dropping to seventh place, thus Dan “SPIKE” Wheldon claimed his very first victory in one year, having last won at Kansas in 2007, followed across the line by Tony “Follow your Snauz” Kanaan, while Scott Dixon rebounded to take the last podium step prior to the Month ‘O May.

And that F-BOMB I eluded to? I could SWEAR I heard Eddie Carpentier say the magic word FUCK while being interviewed immediately after the race about Ernesto is dis Juan mezs pit stall?

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