Under the Open Wheel Bigtop

As Indiana Bureau Chief Daniel Baines Cooper was quick to point out to Mwah last Sunday that during those Kodak postcard moment backdrop shots that the networks use to show off a particular cities landscape when going into or coming back from commercial breaks, (please Mr. Director - can we have another?) ‘Juan particular shot showed a Ferris wheel in the background of the street courses facilities, which inevitably leaves room for all sorts of comments, eh? As in was the racing so exciting that the promoters felt the need for distraction? Although I personally have nothin’ against Ferris wheels, albeit I’m not sure if I’d wanna ride either the Singapore Flyer or the London Eye upon the riverbank of thee Thames; but if this is what it takes to keep the ‘Kiddies entertained, then perhaps they’re not focusing upon the racing cars?

And I won’t try recapping the past weekend’s races - which I’ve been dually Harangued over my lack of race reports - having even gone so far as to post a picture of a Monster Truck; YIKES! Nor will I critique the TV coverage, albeit I found it most sublime - letting my mind wunder mightily as the race seemed little more then a procession - along with Marty “Muskrat Luv” Reid still managing to work his sweetheart Danica’s name into the broadcast, albeit was it just Mwah or? I don’t recall seeing a single When Yuhs PEAK! Yuhs win Danicker commercial on; Hya!

And as we all know, Thy Dancin’ Fool ‘HULIO, aka Helio Castroneves won the race, which was surely a relief for him, since I’d previously noted how I thought ‘Ol Twinkle toes was definitely TOAST in;

So, is ‘HULIO really Cactus?

As Shane Rogers from Down Under got the following statistics read upon last week’s Trackside with Kevin & Cavin - as the resident from Oz dually noted how the “Toowoomba Toranadoe,” nee Will Power has simply spanked Captain Twinkle toes and fellow teammate Ryan “the Izod Dude” Briscoe - not to mention everybody else when it came to pulling out Bonsai Qualifying laps, as DJ WillyP is set to garner his 25^th Pole position in roughly HALF the time it took for a one Mr. Castroneves to accomplish!

Indycar Stat: Number of starts at 25th pole position start

And I wouldn’t expect the Indy Car Boyz & Girls to play as nicely this weekend in Ala-bammie... As I’m guessing they all wanted to make it thru the first race back from Las Vegas, ironically at Dan Wheldon’s Hometrack cleanly! Although as “Symone Pagenoe” (Simon Pagenaud) pointed out on Autosport Radio, the Hondas and ‘Chebbies are so closely matched, with the Lotuses a little bit down-on-power, and the fact that they currently do not have the vaunted P2P (Push-to-Pass) capability at the moment, that its gonna be downright hard to simply blast past one another - while Barber Motorsports Park was designed for ‘Scooters, nee Motorcycles and hence is a very difficult track to pass upon...

But that’s NOT to say that passing doesn’t occur, as I was disappointed that very little was mentioned ‘bout Symone carving his way back up to his original starting spot after having been penalized 10 grid spots for a precautionary engine change. As Pagenaud said he was hoping the same would be handed out to ‘Symona-Symona (de Silvestro) for this weekend’s event, although I have no info upon this...

Januaryy 2012 Indianapolis Walgreens Store Opening

(Photo Courtesy of No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer ‘CARPETS)

And having been chastised for the blue & white sponsorless flanks of Joseph Newgarden’s car - having said that Sarah fisher Hartman Racing was trying to woo Walgreens as a potential sponsor - another eagle-eyed IndyCar observer called into Wind Tunnel Sunday evening to say how Newgarden & SFHR deserved to have a sponsor after his impressive 11^th place finish on his B-I-G Car debut, which I wholeheartedly agree with, although hopefully it’ll be something a little more palatable; Err substantial then what I’m told is FAST EDDIE’s latest sponsor - Drumroll please... Tuh Duh! HooiserMama, albeit I haven’t seen the Press Release yet, so hopefully I’m not biting on somme-thun here? FISH ON!!!

Although if true, how many jokes do you think this will spawn? As I already know two jokes ‘bout Indiana; Oh Never Mind!

Although I did tell ‘Ol DB that I simply thought Sarah Fisher and Wink Hartman were not running a green hue this weekend ‘cause they didn’t want to upstage Ye Mayor ‘O Hinchtown’s Who’s Your Daddy debut; Hya! Hmm?  Perhaps it has ‘Somme-thun to do with not wanting to clash with HVM’s Loti green? Although that shade glows in the dark!

Whilst perhaps it was just Mwah; BUTT! Did Justin ‘BIG UNIT Wilson get any Facetime during the race? Other then being mentioned mired down in 18^th, with NO explanation, as I hope that he’s not gonna suffer all season long for having decided to go with a Minnowesqe team, eh? As the only camera time I think Dale Coyne Racing received was for James Jakes testing out the new front wing’s strength upon the tyre barrier...

And unfortunately - I’m guessing the Rookie Of the Year title fight will be a two pony affair, with Pagenaud going blow-for-blow with Newgarden, as Thy Leggy Juan, nee Katherine Legge is fighting an uphill battle this year, having not driven a single seater in four-plus years, nothing last year and a single half-day plus testing before jumping into the recalcitrant Lotus-by-Judd Dragonmobile Sunday... But hey, wasn’t le ‘Hamburgular, aka Sebastain Bourdais running P2-3 at one point in the race? Which will make it kinda funny if Jay Penske & the Dragonflies outperform the “Pseudo-Works” team; Yuh’s know Lotus DRR - formerly Dreyer & Reinbold Racing, right?

Thus, you’d haveda expect the Usual Suspects to gravitate towards the sharp end of the grid this weekend at Alabama; Y’all know, names like Power, Dixon, Franchitti, Castroneves, Kanaan and Briscoe. Although I’d look out for others such as Pagenaud, Wilson, Hinchcliffe & Conway - as after all this is the opening “Twisty” portion of the season, while it appears that Chevrolet may have the upper hand driver-wise, with thy ‘Cheepster’s 4-car Monty taking on the might of Penske, Andretti and KVRT - as I’m somewhat more ‘Stoked that I’ll get to witness ‘rubino’s debutant Ovaltrack race somewhere in May over the fact that the IndyCar season has finally begun, albeit I’m ‘Jazzed over Pagenaud, Newgarden and Barrichello all being in the mix...

IndyCar TV Schedule

Otay, this AIN’T exactly a story; BUTT! Since your humble No Fenders scribe is running several ‘Lincolns ‘N Dazes short, not even having made up my yearly Racing Calendar yet, here’s some possibly helpful info regarding when those new Aerospace CanAm machinery; Err the Dallara DW12’s BULBUOUS flanks will appear upon television.

And NO, I won’t lament over the season opening TV coverage on the Dizney Shopping Networks, nor Marty ‘Doublewide Reid or Scott Somonex Goodyear - as I still haven’t decided if I wanna tune in for an overly LONG winded 45-minute Preamble on duh Peacock Lite this Sunday. As I know I’m Old School; BUTT! The Pre-race should be a maximum of 30mins and read out loud the entire starting grid. (And that goes for you too SPEED, as I see you’ve tried duming it down the first two broadcasts this season...)

2012 Indy Car TV Schedule

More from thee Tomaso Blotter - Have You hugged a Blogger recently?

Yeah, I know you’re already saying, get on with it lad, we’re here for the scintillating racing news and not all of that Fluffy stuff you so cherish Mate. Nevertheless, I just had another interesting moment whilst ‘Oot ‘N Aboot! (After posting that riveting Eleven Days in Thy Wilderness story on Monday...)

As I entered the local Sandwich pub, all I heard from behind the glass partition was: Call the Police??? WTF? So I ignored it, took off my Moose hat &  gloves, unzipped my raincoat and stepped up to the counter, where  a second woman immediately asked me: Do you know how to get to the High School? Oh that’s simple I said, standing there with my trusty white cane in hand, I thought I clearly explained the directions, which were take a left, go up the street approximately 11-blocks and it’ll be on the right; you cannot miss IT! To which she asked the Deli worker for a telephone book instead.

Hmm? How can a blind person be able to give such concise directions? I mean he can’t even see, right?

As the elderly lady stood there talking in an overly low toned voice that I wasn’t able to hear - and I’m supposed to have Super Powers; Shuhzamm! While the first female worker who’d been pining to phone the ‘Coppers instead now asked me if I wanted a cookie? Apparently because of my excessive delay? Before I finally said me? As this was almost as bad as the Flight Attendant who thought I could SEE ‘N read her lips when asking me if I wanted my 6-peanuts - before finally getting my attention on my way home from Phoenix by saying Excuse me Mr. Ducati! (As its funny how matter of fact everyone having vision is becoming these days...) Thus, after I declined my (FREE?) cookie; Uhmm-uhm-uhm, sprinkles! She finally asked me what I wanted and we politely side-stepped the senior citizen...

Now I’m not suggesting that this was the lady’s position upon my direction giving, nor am I intending to make fun of my elders, as lord knows I’ve spun some real doozies and always chuckle over how I can explain something perfect and the receiving party will interpret it 180-degrees backwards; kinda like when somebody tries telling me which way to turn when they’re facing me and hence I’ll need to do the opposite; but I digress...

Thus, I’ve decided to use this story to loosely tie-in with a fine ‘Kuhnadiun lass named Meesh’s latest story, which I found a ‘Wee bit disturbing! Otay, so Meesh might enjoy dropping ‘Juan or MORE “F-Bombs” in a story, which is just her preferred writing style, but, I enjoy her points-of-view for several reasons and thus was disappointed to hear her contemplating whether or not to attend another IndyCar race? (Of which I sincerely hope she’ll do...)

So for GAWD’s sake Man, get to the point you may be saying; Chirp-Chirp! Herroe? Is this thingy on??? Testing 1-2-3...

As I have realize a multitude “O things recently during my self-imposed Internetz Sabbatical; like Mother Speedway probably really doesn’t give a flying rip what I think - since the Indianapolis Motor Speedway has survived for 102-years now on her own...

And it’s a Dawg eat Dawg world out there, as I even recall getting mildly annoyed over IMS’s newest COO (Chief Operating Officer) Marc Koretzky dividing the IndyCar Fanbase into three distinct sections. The most coveted 18-34 male demographic, the “Y-Factor;” (or perhaps better - the Y chromosome!) Hmm? Cannot recall this segment, perhaps thee little people? Hey, I’m getting old-ER; Otay? And lastly, all of us ‘Ol Timer Diehard loyalists... Which I’ve spent many an afternoon discussing what happens to Indy Cars when we dry up ‘N blow away with thy Indiana Bureau Chief D. B. (Cooper?)

Thus, I’d like to think I’m not thought of as a basement dwelling CART Crybaby who comes up for daylight every sixth day, like that overly sardonic Chap named Tony over at Popoff Valve has so richly described in many a rant.

Whilst I’ll NOT name all of my Bloggaratzi Peeps, albeit we’ve lost one of the Great ‘Juans, not once but twice. As where are you Mr. Innucci?

As I liken to think of my eclectic Open Wheel Blogger Pals as constituents of my ‘lil Mayberryish haunt known as NoFendersville, which is a poorly disguised takeoff of Ye Mayor ‘O Hinchtown’s fine establishment...

And I know this probably won’t come out sounding right, or even possibly be correct - as I was gonna say that I only know of two Femme Fatale Bloggareesta’s which ironically both hail from Up North Eh! In some tiny metropolis known as Toronto; YIKES! As in Meesh of So Here’s What I’m Thinking, or SHWIT according to the Dean ‘O IndyCarz bloggers; Hya! And ‘Stef from More Front Wing, of whom I both thoroughly enjoy their work. Although I was somewhat exposed to a new gal named Jill of IndyCarMom.com on the most recent blogger Night on Trackside.

Trackside shares the ‘LUV with Word Butcherers...

Whilst a fourth female scribe named Suzan all too infrequently pens us her thoughts over at Thee Oldest IndyCar blogger George’s Oil Pressure site.

Thus, I’m not sure of what the exact problema Meesh was experiencing prior to this past weekend’s St Pete outing, and I’m not gonna try delving into it, as Y’all can simply read her latest post here if so desired. Yet unfortunately it sounded a little bit like another female not being appreciated in the trenches? Of which I’m certainly not implying anything here; BUTT! I did find it amazing that women were NOT allowed into the Speedway’s Pits & Garages until 1971; CRIKEYS! Which I unearthed while reading a book the old fashioned way recently...

So hopefully Meesh will remain an active member of the Blogosphere - amongst her other racing activities; ‘cause like I said earlier, what happens when IndyCar loses the remaining Diehards... You know those left over Hard Core Aficionados from the 15-20 million LOST Souls (Fans) Randy Bernard sez that ‘lil trench war called The Split caused to go away!

So, in the immortal words of My Name is IRL: Have You Hugged A Blogger lately?

National Hug A Blogger Day

The Tomaso Files: Eleven Days in thy Wilderness...

Whale, NOT exactly, as you’re humble No Fenders scribe has just endured his first self-imposed hiatus from ‘Ye Weavasphere, nee ze Blogosphere - as I’d taken ‘Lucy in for her first annual checkup... As the ALL knowing (CPU) Central Collection Point; Err Ministry of Knowledge, who keep a tight grip upon the inner workings of Lucy’s cranium - which appeared to be going on the fritz? Prompted me to take her in for a diagnosis...?

Hmm? Lookin at ‘Dat catchy title above ‘N thinking I’d better ad some sorta wildlife picture for GurrRanimals ‘LUV-er CARPETS, eh?

Obviously I wasn’t expecting Lucy’s 72hour exam to Supersize itself into an 11-Dazes sojourn; CRIKEYS! As why has this happened two years in-a-row just prior to the season opening Grand Prix? Well Uh Duh! Them Smarmy BASTARDOS at le gOOgleMunster AIN’T gonna Rollout any funky-arse blockpoint changes during Krystmas - Y’all know the most important Shopping Holiday period of the year; but I digress...

As I had an entertaining experience last March whilst Down Under - having asked Blogmeister Miguel to post a few stories for Mwah, which he dutifully did, yet his microSOFT ‘dub-U 7 changed my blogs format internally upon my return, which I can only surmise is some sorta weird disconnect between ‘dub-U 7 and my lower microSOFT XP Operating system. As this change has now been referred internally as the Born On Date of No Fenders V3...

Thus as you’re all aware of? Recently I had to upgrade ‘Lucy to 2012-specs - being forced to purchase ZoomText 10.0 which so far to date, is far LESS superior then ZT9.0; which was purchased prior to launching this Award Winning ‘BLOB. Yeah, I can already hear Yuhs sayin’ Somme-thun ‘bout OLD Dawgs and new tricks; URGH!

Thus, the trip to the Witch (“Confuzer”) Doctor was quite thee experience, having told me Lucy’s initial exam would only require 3-4 days max. So of course I fretted all day Saturday, which was Day-4 - without having heard a darn blinkin thingy... And the Confuzer Boffin George had warned me that the phone number was changing soon - but he didn’t know the new number, which of course you guessed IT! Happened over the weekend, as I was stuck listening to the old number go directly to voicemail all day Monday, with its mailbox full; SHEISA!

AnyHoo, LONG story cut short - Lucy came home 11-dazes later having checked out with a completely clean bill ‘O health, as the Boffin said: I cannot charge you for having done nothing to your machine besides having updated a myriad of programs, most notably to my sound card & flash player; Aye Karumba!

As thus, with Mary Ellen’s invaluable assistance, as she re-connected ‘Lucy to thee Grid, nee Al Gore’s World Wide Web thingy... NOT one, two but three strange thingys occurred. As first all I did was try repositioning the monitor & keyboard’s positions which had become askew and viola! The screen went completely DARK; WTF? Racing outside before she departed, I beckoned Mary Ellen to return to see what in tarnations I’d done now? As I’d never known for nearly six-years my monitor had an On/Off switch - which I cannot see, but had magically managed to find IT! Thus with everything restored back to normal? I bid Mary Ellen A-deu.

Then for reasons forever unknown, my OLD school Outlook Express email inbox decided to majikally delete everything from my Inbox WITHOUT ANY warning upon having some sorta meltdown whilst compacting the disk space; CRIKEYS!

And this is on top of the fact that basically ALL of my text/grammar issues with Lucy (NO SMARTY PANTS! This AIN’T in regards to my masterful Tomaso TexMex English...) still remain, like  you know; when you take your vehicle to the mechanic ‘cause its making a funny noise that won’t go away - only the mechanic cannot find a single trace of IT!

Thus the long winded ramble to why perhaps the No Fenders BLOB hasn’t been so “Verbose” lately, thanxs Konrad, as I’ve just learned a new word; Whale actually two - as that Cheeky Willie Buxom (Will Buxton) threw down upon us during Australia that ‘JENSE had been imperious during his Melbourne victory...

And thus, I won’t bore Y’all with the details of what occurred the past 11-dazes just that I managed to miss two episodes apiece of Autosport Radio and Trackside, along with one episode of Speed Freaks. As it was HILLARIOUS that Lucy’s doctor’s appointment was the very same afternoon that reportedly Don Kay was gonna have thee ‘CandyMann, aka Randy Bernard on his ‘lil radio show and potentially ask Mr. Bernard why IndyCar won’t return to Portland?

Not to mention I managed to turn into duh Freaks last night and had to pull the plug after The ‘sarge rambled on ‘bout Monster Trucks being the BADDEST FREAKIN’ SHOW on the planet; URGH! You’ve gotta be freakin’ kidding right Kenny? As this rant followed after another sublime interview with RG, aka Robby “DirtMann” Gourdoun (Gordon) who’d just won the weekend’s Peppermint 400 Dessert Offroad race aboard his Humdinger Trophy truck. As DirtMann laid out the “Scoopage” that he’s goin’ Monster Truck racin ‘cause it’ll pay the bills better than his RASSCAR ride currently does! Which I only stuck around thru Kenny S’s tirade in order to hear Stattmann’s Skatt which rightly pointed out how Formula 1 ISN’T boring whilst pointing out the significance of Sergio Perez’s impressive drive at Sepang, but that’s a story still to be poonded out upon ze keyboard’s, as there’s only so much your humble Keyboard Warrior can tipe in a day, as hopefully Justin Bell’s interview is now available on the interwoods as Meesh harkens it,  who hopefully had a ‘Mega weekend in St. Pete...    

As for my ‘STEAMED Screen-reader ‘Lucy, why is the Stones song She’s SO COLD - My hands just froze playin’ on my mental soundtrack right now, eh? As I’d like to pull a Master ‘zebb and rename her, BUTT; Oh Never Mind! Think I’d better go for a ‘Walkabout before our ALWAYS present precipitation arrives...

Paar Scratches from Team Willy

So this morning, whilst trying to see if the Mainstream Media had done its usual “Shock ‘N Awe” job of reporting and then moving on before telling us the story ending... I dialed-up my local Seattle Times Fishwrap (newspaper) to see if there was any further news upon the outcome of MLS Houston Dynamo’s Colin Clark disparaging Gay slur towards a Seattle Sounders FC Ball boy who didn’t retrieve the out of bounds ball quickly enough; Crikeys Mate - I hope Major League Soccer throws the book at you!

And although there appeared to be no follow-up upon the matter, hence instead first thingy this morning I discovered the surprising news that Team Willy, aka Williams F1 CEO Adam Paar had resigned for Family reasons, yeah that’s the ticket - although unlike many Formula 1 Chief Designers, I’m not expecting Adam to show  up on the F1 Greens anytime soon after what is affectionately known as Gardening leave...

Adam Paar resigns from Williams

Guess Who’s Birthday it is?

YEP!

Yes indeedie - that’s right folks - as once again Dan Wheldon will be colliding with that Go Daddy girl more commonly known as Danica Patrick;  YIKES! As IndyCar cannot seemingly cut its ties with Mrs. WunderBar... Whose turnin’ thee B-I-G 3-Oh today, ironically the very same day that thee Indy Car Series kicks off its 2012 season in those Dallarer DW12 chassis at the late, great Dan Wheldon’s Hometrack...

Happy B-Day DannaCar!

My little Go Daddy Girl!

Oh oh oh ohoo ‘lil Go Daddy girl
Oh oh oh ohoo ‘lil Go Daddy girl

I cannot escape this feeling for my Go Daddy girl
As I feel a wreck without my ‘lil Go Daddy girl
When I hear her heart beating loud as thunder
Seeeing planets crashing

And I'm a mess without my llil Go Daddy girl
Waking up mornings - where's my llil Go Daddy girl?
Before I hear her heart's beating loud as thunder
Seing Dem Satellites crashing down

I feel overly-tragic - almost like I'm Clint Eastwood

When I look at that Go Daddy Girl
I could pretend that nothing really meant too much
When I look at that Go Daddy girl in the mirror

I stumble into town just like a scared cow
Visions of Miss Blue Dress  in my head
Who’s got plans for everyone
It's in the whites of Danica’s eyes
You know, my llil Go Daddy girl!

As you shouldn't mess with her
Who'll ruin everything you are
As she'll give you endless television commercials
While she bats those pretty blue eyes at you

With countless men who cannot stop drooling over you know who

And when I get excited
My ‘lil Go Daddy girl sez’
Oh baby just you shut your mouth
She says ... sh-sh-shhh...

Oh oh oh ohoo ‘lil Go Daddy girl
Oh oh oh ohoo ‘lil Go Daddy girl

Oh oh oh ohoo ‘lil Go Daddy girl

Oh oh oh ohoo ‘lil Go Daddy girl

Original lyrics: China Girl by David Bowie
(Lets Dance; 1983)