Thursday, May 9, 2019

INDY 500: Letteth Thoust Month Thy May Games Beginnith

Panther Racing's Pit Crew standing on wall cheering as JR Hildebrand takes the White Flag on Lap 199 while leading the 2011 Indianapolis 500. (The Tomaso Collection)
As I Guar-Ran-Tee You're Gonna LUV IT!

Indianapolis 500 Scramble
With the first Quartet 'O 2019 NTT IndyCar Series races having been completed, and the Easter bunny having come 'N gone, it's now that traditional time 'O year when All of us Cut 'N Paste Word Hack "Keyboard Warriors" begin Salivating over just exactly who'll be contesting this year's Spectale du Jour at Mother Speedway, The Fabergé Egg of Indy Cars Calendar, Thy Magnanimous Indianapolis 500; Tuh-duh!

As it's nice to know that I'm pretty much in synch with what the Official Entry list will look like, when each year I spend copious amounts 'O time making up my own unofficial entry list, for which thus I suppose I'm still drawn to the spectre 'O Mother Speedway, since after all, the Fastest 33 Cars regardless of who they are By Gummit! Take the Green Flag each Memorial Day weekend.

Yo Roger and Cheep', go eat some Animal Crackers,
Jelly Beans, Peeps' or Chocolate Bunnies' and Quit Whining 'bout needing Guaranteed entries! Especially you Roger, who after all, didn't Yuhs praise James Hinchcliffe and SPM last year for Manning Up and NOT buying a ride into the Big Show?

(5) Andretti Autosport.
(4) Team Penske.
(3) Arrow Schmidt Peterson, Carlin, Dale Coyne & His Alphabet Soup Brigade, Ed Carpenter Racing-Scuderia Corsa Racing/ECR and Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing.
(2) A.J. Foyt enterprises, Chip Ganassi Racing and Dreyer & Reinbold Racing.
(1) Andretti Herta Autosport, Clauson Marshall Racing, DragonSpeed, Harding Steinbrenner Racing, Juncos Racing, McLaren Racing and Meyer Shank Racing with Arrow SPM.

With the only two entries having yet to be officially announced prior to the April 24th Open Test Day were the third Arrow SPM third seat of Oriole Servia's No. 77 racecar and Juncos Racing's #32 most likely being chauffeured by Kyle Kiser.

I Guar Ran Tee' You'll LUV It!
Meanwhile, leaving a Bad Taste in Thy Mouth, or more appropriately a really Bad Smell in thoust Room, a pungent Odor 'O Rotten Eggs, is All of the Bellyaching over the Top 3 Bananas Crying for Guaranteed Slots on thou Hallowed Speedway Brick's Starting Grid each May, which I truly Hope Doesn't Occur!

As this is Gimmicky at Best, Not to mention Smacks of Politics and appears to be a Carbon Copy of that 'lil Roundy-round Taxicabland Bombers series and it's Franchises; Err, Oopsadaisy, Uhm I meant Charter Teams making a Mockery of Thee DayToner 500!

Y'all know where every Rucky Dawg' and Pony get's a Free Entry into the race, be it past Champions, previous Teams or Whatever! And RASSCAR' wonders why Attendance & TV Ratings are Declining, G-O Figure?

As the Indianapolis 500 has proudly been the Best Eleven Rows of Three Starters, be that the AAA, USAC, the Indy Racing League with its Nebulous 25-8 Rule, The Junk Formula era or whatever other Sanctioning Body incarnations.

As part of Mother Speedway's intrigue for over a Century now has been that Almost Anybody can Actually Win the Indianapolis 500, and Nobody can Rest upon Thar Laurels!

As we All recall when El Capitano', nee Roger Penske and his 'lil Racing Concern Failed to Qualify for the Indy 500 the year after Crushing the Competizione with his "Stock Block" Mercedes lumps', which "Little Al" (Unser, Jr.) Drove to Victory in 1994.

Or when "booby Ruble," (Bobby Rahal) the Driver was on the cusp of failing to Qualify in 1994 for a second year in-a-row. After notably having failed to qualify in '93 as the reigning Championship Auto Racing Teams (CART) Champion behind the wheel of his team's own Rahal Hogan R/H-001 chassis.

As I can still vividly recall the life-size cardboard mustachioed Rahal replete in Miller Beer Firesuit with someone having cleverly inserted two ticket stubs and the words Need Two Tickets for Indy" underneath one of his Armpits at the local Watering' Hole we used to frequent in Portland...

Before "Senor" Stash" elected to "Hire" a pair of competitive Penske PC 22/Ilmor chassis in order to keep his team's Title sponsor Miller Beer happy, with Rahal finishing third in the '94 Indy 500.

Which are just two examples of how the uncertainty of whom will Qualify each May for the Indianapolis 500 is what keeps us Fans so enamoured with The Brickyard. Not to mention the sheer unbelieveability of Thee Mayor 'O Hinchtown, aka James Hinchcliffe failing to make Indy Cars Biggest Race last year.

Alas, it's refreshing to know I Don't Stand Alone upon this Travesty of Tramplin' upon Indianapolis's Hallowed Tradition of the Fastest 33 Cars racing each May, which arguably is what keeps me coming back each 'N every May, especially since I enjoy more and more rootin' for the Underdogs!

Hence in his typical No Nonsense prose, thou OLD-est IndyCar Blogger Geo. Phillips; Hya! Has pointed out the Hippocracy of Roger Penske and Others upon wanting to make the Brickyard Thar own Sandbox, for which I sincerely hope Does NOT occur!

After All, it's mildly Amusing that the three largest teams with the Deepest Budgets are Crying Wolf over this.

Whilst I also appreciate George letting me know that it's Ok to scribble that Robin Miller's been Drinking thou proverbial Koolaid. For which I've previously held back from scribblin here on No Fenders...

Since I feel that's exactly what he's done over the nebulous NBC Sports Gold Bricks; Err Pass Pay Wall earlier this year when he told us it was time to Quit Complaining over Indy Cars Bungled International TV Packages. Which for Mwah reeks of Hippocracy, since Robin gets his TV Cameo each 'n every race on NBC Sports.

And I guess what mostly intrigues Mwah over the Indy 500 each year, is that it's the one race each season where I know Thars' truly the possibility of an Underdog upsetting the Applecart 'N Winning the Series Crown Jewell! Instead of just the Top 3 Teams, i.e.; Penske, Ganassi and Andretti and it's "Usual suspects" taking another W'.

"Some Call Me the Space Cowboy
Some Call Me the Gansta' of Love,
Some people Call me Maurice
Cause I speak of the Pompatus of Love..."

And since we're calling out the Big 3 Bananas, as really Mikey A', aren't you just copying Roger 'N Chip? And why are you trying to spin today's circumstances differently than when that infamous IRL 25/8 Rule was instigated? And why are you so Afraid of being Outperformed by a "One Off" Interloper, Series part-time concern or True Competition?

U2: God, Part II
"the Rich Stay Healthy, and The Sick Stay Poor," I, I, Believe in Love..."

Whilst I have to say I'm really Not impressed at all right now by Messer Ganassi, whom the IndyStar's Jim Ayello reported that when asked if he'd talked to Pato O'Ward earlier this year when the Mexican IndyCar Rookie was without a ride.

Cheep' replied he'd had one very Sophomoric conversation with the 19yr old reigning Indy Lights Champion, and he'd just leave it at that; WTF?

Naturally this got my Dander Up, since Pato's become my newest Numero Uno IndyCar Driver and just reinforced how Pompous I find Cheep' to be! And Yeah, I'm showing my age by pronouncing Cheep's first name how El Zorro', aka Alex Zanardi made fashionable during his driving days at Target Chip Ganassi Racing.

But seriously Cheep? How much did you have your Shit together at Age 19? Oh Never Mind! Now somebody pass me a Cheeseburger and let's Light this Candle, Shall we? Or in thou immortal words of the late Tom Carnegie; "And He's On it!"

Partial Song lyrics from: Steve Miller
Song: The Joker
Album: The Joker
Year: 1973

(Photo c/o No Fenders ‘Offical Photographer CARPETS')