Tuesday, May 22, 2012

New Car Blues turn the wick Down upon Indy Pole-day festivities - as I watch a micro500 instead...

I must admit that I just haven’t really gotten into my usual giddy spirit regarding the Indy 500 this year - especially this past weekend’s Pole Day festivities... As somehow it DON’T really feel like The Greatest Spectacle in Racing this year...

As may be it just has ‘Somme-thun to do with the new Dallara DW12, which I’m certain in time will become a very good racecar and probably make us forget all ‘bout the previous ‘CRAPWAGON’s, right?

Yet, the whole build-up has been so HOKEY! With Turbo Gate, Appeals, Counter-appeals, Yuhs can change your engine today for a penalty on Thursday... (10-grid spot penalty for Indy not valid ‘til Texas...) will there - Won’t there be 33-cars? Can the ‘Luddi’s; (Lotuses) make the field; Blah-blah-blah...

Thus I actually took off for Tacoma instead of hangin’ out ‘N listening - perhaps, if I could find the blinkin’ Live-stream to the artificially sweetened; Err Boosted Fast Friday action via ze Internetz...

And although the witching hours of Friday afternoon would see me once again answering mize ‘Aunty Harriet’s repeated question of when is the B-I-G race tomorrow? What time is it on... We’ll haveda watch it. Where’s it at? What time is the race on... Even recanting Bob Varsha’s quintessential quip ‘bout “Before you can race; first you must Qualify...” Oh? What time is the race on? Que Benny Hill theme music here; Hya!

Alas, I decided to forgo sitting inside on a bright ‘N gloriously sunny day on Saturday and instead revel in the frivolities of a race of a different type occurring outside instead, which I quickly christened thee micro500! As we not only had different engine makes but multiple different chassis. With counte ‘em; all three of Detroit’s finest - with my unofficial count at nine; number-9, number nine, number Nein?

As duh ‘Feurds led the parade with an Exploder, Taurus station wagon, ‘Ol Blue, our trusty ’78 Econoline camper van and NOT ‘Juan but count ‘em two 24-foot long 460cid V-8 Blue Oval motivated circa ’84 RV’s; Aye Karumba!

Then there were the two Dodge’s: a Grand Caravan and an early ‘90’s A-Team van with duh ‘Chebbie brigade being represented by a much maligned Buick and a way too overtaxed ’87 Pickem-up truck... And lastly our flotilla included two inclement weather vehicles - with two trailered motorboats ironically powered by ‘Luddi; Err Lotus - which I hear some are even calling IT SLOTUS!

As there was the Lotus-by-Judd 90 that we were able to move much more easily after emptying the water out of it before I tried rolling it over my foot; CRIKEYS! Whilst the other Loti was buried ‘Sommewearz out in the back forty by the brambleberry bushes!

Like I said before - we had our very own version of duh FAST nine ‘Qualie shootout as for reasons unknown, Clyde was determined that all of these vehicles; OH CRAP! Just realized I forgot the ‘RattleLacc... Our luxury 1992 Caddy which is on its last legs and hence it being renamed the RattleLacc... Hey! Guess it was our Pace-car since after all Chevrolet has an exclusivity clause with IMS, right? Needed to be moved outta the front yard and therefore were moved at breakneck speed 500-yards around the barn and into the briar patch - with several Left turns being made; Yuck-yuck-yuck!

Although the two Loti marine craft didn’t manage to get up to speed and hence missed the cut for the first and only dazes running of our micro500, yet safely made the field Sunday morning when it once again began raining here in the Pacific Northwest.

Then Clyde decided we needed to make a bonsai qualifying attempt in the ‘Chebbie workhorse Pickem-up truck by racing off to the somewhat nearby budget battery store noting how the three unsecured batteries could be heard shifting locations in the truckbed; as our weight-jackers weren’t securely tied down...

And lastly, having run this ‘Qualie blitz on a minimum fuel-load, with approximately 4-gallons ‘O GoGo-juice remaining in the left saddle tank; Clyde was most insistent upon using up my grocery Gas-points award which DON’T aid me a whole bunch... As this enabled us to save a whopping ten-cents per gallon upon our purchase... As do NOT even get me remotely started on the ATROCITIES of petroleum!

As our Triple-A agency reports the average price of a gallon of petrol costing $4.24 per-gallon, as BP - remember those BASTARDOES! Managed to neglect maintenance of their Cherry Point refining facility - as fire took it off line and then decided to do summer maintenance early... As this refinery is responsible for 20% of ALL west coast production along with the majority of ALL jet  fuel including Seattle, Portland and Vancouver, BC’s airports; SHEISA!

Thus, it seemed almost anti-climatic watching duh tape Monday afternoon, as really Chevy? That appeal of the appeal was really warranted, eh? As eight of the top-nine contenders for Pole weren’t Honda’s... As even ‘BIA (Ana Beatriz) OUT-qualified some four-time IndyCar champion named Dashley LePew. (Dario Franchitti)

But I was very happy for Ryan Briscoe, albeit somewhat pullin’ for duh Mayor ‘O Hinchtown which woulda been quite shocking meeze thinks... whilst  two of the Bowtie Boyz didn’t even attempt real qualifying runs, only making two-lap mock passes before returning to Pitlane.

Yet I far more enjoyed listening to a most excellante Fresh Air interview with The Dictator’s lead star Sacha Baron Cohen, who instead of blathering on the noxious ‘RASSCAR tainted mandatory insert 43 $ponsorz names here... Hey, I know we could sell advertising space upon the Pagoda, right? As I think Otis has just become the Official Elevator supplier of the Brickyard?

As instead, Cohen had me in veritable stitches ‘O laughter over his mock video speech he made demanding the release of his two Oscar tickets by Midnight or else...

Now I’ve gotta go pack for Indy...

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