Monday, July 28, 2008

Back in the USSR?

Here comes the Helicopter
Second time today
If I had a rocket launcher

(Bruce Cockburn, Stealing Fire, 1983)

I’d guess that my case ‘O JET-RAG FEVER must’ve finally broken this morning... As I was rudely awoken to the sound of my most favourite “McChopper,” (NOT!) a sound I’d conveniently NOT heard for an entire blessed three weeks... “As did I have a Dream or did the Dream have me?” (RUSH; Vapor Trails, 2002)

As abruptly around 5:47AM I heard the DREADED sound of the “Sno-homer” County “CHiP’s” Sherriff’s helicopter buzzin’ overhead, SHEISA! (Oh whale! At least it AIN’T Sherriff Joe of Maricopa County, eh?) But wait, it came back again a second time? Closer, LOUDER and in full stereophonic (Dolby TX) surround sound as they must’ve forgotten to take their doughnuts, eh? And then the tranquil BLEEP-BLEEP of a neighbor’s car door alarm as it was time to go to work at 5:51AM, doppelte Schei├če!

Call me spoiled rotten, but I’ve become much more accustomed to the symphonic drone of the overly large hooting Doves in Bergisch-Gladbach (Germany) vs. the dreaded shrill of the minuscule bleepin’ Starlings outside my humble abode’s window...

Can it already be nearly one week since Mary Ellen & Co. dropped me off around 11PM, after an amazingly fast paced non-stop action packed two weeks in Germany along with an impromptu trip to Paris! And thus, I was tired, sore, sick and completely "Knackered!"

So I finally went to bed around midnight after having awoken at 4AM in Koln, (Colone) Germany, having been a very long tiring day... Ja Volt! “I've got blisters...” (Oh Never mind!) As we’d just gone via two trains to Dusseldorf to fly to Heathrow (Which SUCKS!!!) And then to SeaTac which was surprisingly pleasant and Customs was way LESS of a PAIN IN THE ARSE then London.

You see, I made the mistake of trying to carry on my newly acquired corkscrew, since it’s considered a LETHAL WEAPON as I might use it to “MacGyver” the cockpit door off our Airbus A330 Aeroplane and is strictly VERBOTTEN, Ja Volt! (Yet my METAL collapsible walking stick, with SEMI-SHARP CONCEALED METAL TIP was only curiously looked at!) Thus, this meant after putting all of our clothes back on... We’d had to go and check my carry-on backpack in Heathrow, if I wished to keep the present?

In order to do so, we needed to fill out a Landing Card in order to check-in my corkscrew, as the Customs Agent seemed most surprised when Claire said she needed to accompany me since I was Blind… Oh, what do you mean by that? Well your sign says “Only One person at a time.” It does? Where does it say that?

… “Purpose of visit?”
Oh, we have to check in a BLOODY corkscrew that I bought in Paris... Which brought a wry smile to his face!

Then back upstairs to print our boarding passes and proceed thru the next gauntlet… Where the first high school aged security Boffin asked:

“Do you know each other?”
Reason of visit?

“We’re trying’ to check-in a BLOODY corkscrew…
(Whale actually it doesn’t have any blood on it yet hya-hya-hya… But, Y’all know the routine ‘bout absolutely ZERO joking in Airports, eh?)

Ok, right, can I just have you both step over here please… While I get things sorted.

This led to his superior… Another pimply faced security boy pulling us outta line ‘cause Claire was traveling with an expired US Passport since she’s a “KUH-NAID-IUN” citizen… And Uh DUH! Was traveling under her current Canadian Passport! (How dare she!)

To which after a multitude of phone calls by this second security Boffin… We were given some goobley-gock about how Immigration had been on “The Fence” but the Airline hadn’t given a “CRAP” so we were allowed to complete our flight’s final leg and re-enter Washington Airspace as long as Claire promised to drive home to Canada immediately the next day! (Do NOT pass go! Do NOT collect your $200.00, just get your lily white ARSE Up North Eh? DON’T uze just hate those Freakin’ Dual Citizen Hosers...)

WHY that was mighty white of ‘dem BLOODY Brits! Yet in Amsterdam it was simply where are you going? Germany, Stamp-Stamp (Passports) Next!

So, having managed to nearly lose my voice after getting dehydrated at the race on Sunday, (Yeah, NOT enough BitBurger’s I suppose?) I decided to take the phone off the hook and try to just sit still for a few days, and NOT have anybody BUMP into me... As I thought I was the Blind guy, but people sure DON'T seem to move outta the way too much in Europe for somebody walking with a white cane…