Monday, April 2, 2012

Shearin’ duh Barber: The Sights ‘N Sounds of Alabaman Home Cookin’ - from Afar...

So once again your humble No Fenders scribe was momentarily dumbfounded by the new & improved Indycar.com website; NOT! As it all began with Kevin Lee’s tease upon Trackside that we could tune into Friday practice sessions on the web; and hence, I ARSE-sumed this to mean via the IMS Radio Network Broadcast...

Thus imagine my surprise; NOT! When my IMS Radio Networks bookmark page immediately boldly displayed thee international “YOU’RE SCREWED” 404 page NOT found ERROR message... Oh crap, here we go again I groaned. I tried ‘Goggling it to NO avail and then for humour I tried searching vainly for it upon the series website before promptly giving up, albeit I did send off a communiqué to a few Blogger Comrades seeking help upon this matter...

Eureka - Sorta...
I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing ‘bout my CRAPY eyesight - yet, I grow increasingly tired of the never ending changes upon the Internetz, as last year you could actually click upon an IMS Radio Network tab from the Media section listed on the Homepage which has of course disappeared...  And so why would I think to click upon the LIVE Timing & Scoring text which I only found after hunting round ‘N round the website - solely due to Meesh’s reply, which in turn led me to click upon the radio link in the upper right-hand corner per her instructions... Which the funniest part ‘bout this - is that I had to get the info from a Hoser Up North Eh!  Who thanxs to TSN is NOT able to get the IndyCar races live on TV!

Kudos Meesh!

Qualie Show
Of course I only discovered when Qualifying was on after listening to Kurty Cavin’s Saturday morning IndyStar piece first thingy that morning; (per my vision impairment I can listen to newspapers over the telephone via the NFB Newsline service...) OH CRAP! 10:40AM Alabama = New York/Indy/ET, which means CRIKEYS! It’s on now at 7:40AM Pacific/West Coast/Seattle-time as I shuffled off to the Office to warm up the Confuzer and hunt ‘N peck around Indycar.com to try finding I-T!

And Eureka, it worked on the BLOODY first try, as I was instantly greeted by the soothing tomes of Mike “Yippee -Aye-Eh” King and Mark “Graveley” James, albeit they were pretty somber this morning... And even more amazing was the fact that they’ve almost fixed the problem of Pitlane interview sound 100% - as you could actually hear every driver’s reply’s for the first time with the exception of Mike “Ice-Ice, Baby” Conway’s chill being a little too cool for the mike to pickup initially...

As I managed to tune-in halfway thru the last session preceding the Fast Six qualifying - I was pretty surprised to hear that Will Power wouldn’t be advancing due to ‘BullyRay’s (Hunter-Reay) greediness to exert 110% maximum velocity out of his ‘Chebbie and instead got the grass and just blew-it, causing the yellow flag to come out and end the session.

Thus there really wasn’t any reason for me to tune into Versus; Err Peacock Lite’s Qualie-show, which I did anyway’s, albeit some 15+ ‘My-nutes late. As at least I got to see Power be interviewed, along with Dashley LePew (Dario Franchitti) who was pretty muted over his overly uncharacteristic P18 qualifying result!

Schedule-Smedzule
For humour, after watching a ‘Wee bit of NBCSN’s qualifying show, which seemed almost as exciting as the preceding ABC broadcast, I decided to hunt ‘N peck about the Indycar.com website a little bit more, as it’d sure be nice if there was a radio broadcast schedule somewhere; NOPE! Isn’t gonna happen, move along Y’all... As I did find the schedule link for the Alabama weekend itself, after clicking upon the Schedule tab didn’t get me anywhere. And poof! What a bag ‘O doggie surprises the overly obnoxious colour coded Adobe spread sheet was, as if you’ve never used a Screen reader before, Y’all should try IT! And see how many seconds it takes before you go BONKERS!

Thus instead of being able to get the live stream plus the corresponding broadcast times all in ONE place, looks like I’m gonna haveda poach the schedule from Trackside Online (hey, I’m a paying subscriber...) at the start of the weekend, scribble it all down, subtract 3hrs and hopefully remember to tune-in at the right moment!

IndyCar Central Pre-race Show
Although I wasn’t gonna watch this originally, I decided what the HE-Double Hockey Sticks, especially since I’d intended to check out the new IndyCar 36 half hour show preceding it. And I was happy to read Meesh’s comments ‘bout how it wasn’t anything new; as I felt as I watched it, hey! I’ve seen this somewhere before... Didn’t they try doing it with a blonde named Michelle(?) before Mrs. TAG (Bronte Tagliani) took over? Hmm? Another CART, nee Champ Car idea makes the IndyCar fold; Oh Never Mind!

On to the Pre-race show which started with a somber looking Bob Jenkins eyeballin’ meeze... As for humour I decided to take notes - which although I didn’t do for ABC, I did watch their entire first Indy Car race so ditto for NBC Sports Network; so here’s my cryptic shorthand notes:

00-08; Opening segment (+ 2mins Commercial Break) 10; 15-18; 23-28; 34-37; 47. Indy Car Central ended at 11:34AM (Pacific) and race started promptly at 11:45AM as announced. Minutes above = commercial breaks, i.e.; approx. one-third of first 47mins interrupted by commercials; as they managed to go a whopping 10mins before TAG granted them their first race commercial break 2mins after starting...

Opening segment Driver interviews: (But of Course!) First up ‘Ol Twinkle-toes, nee ‘HULIO, aka Castroneves followed by ‘Dixie. (Scott Dixon) And is it just Mwah, or does it seems like Heliosity is practisn’ BIG time for his move onto ‘RASSCAR - as he’s become quite the sponsor Pitchman, eh?

2nd segment Drivers: Will Power followed by Dario with Professor B (Jon Bekhuis) segment about Franchitti’s insistence to continue his right foot braking - requiring custom pedals fabricated by Dallara; as ironically ‘Rubino, nee rubens Barrichello has switched over after 19-years of right foot braking in F1 - leaving Dario as the only right foot ‘breaker on the grid...

And the Kevin Lee Fan Villa interview with HULIO seemed like ‘Somme-thun outta a circus show, a pathetic attempt at superbowl villa or March Madness? As I had to MUTE Twinkle-toes, who honestly (“Trust ME!”) Just happened to stop on
Dan Wheldon Way
next to his sign by accident during his victory dance... Whilst “Suit ‘N Tie Guy” Kevin mused something ‘bout Michael Jackson’s Ferris wheel being part of the three ringed carnival act at Alabama...

Race Notes
While Bart Starr may be a legend, his overly longish preamble prior to actually giving the command to start engines made me instantly think he’s a legend in his own mind; CRIKEYS!

And we went a whole two minutes into the race before  TAG’s Lotus pulled a Start & Park with a 1st lap yellow flag for the Lotus-by-Judd Lucas ‘lectrics apparently triggering a cold-start shutdown to prevent a full engine  meltdown - as reputedly Lotus is running short upon ‘lumps after they’ve Done Blown UP!

And I think it was just a case of first race jitters? As Bob Jenkins seemed to be quite tongue-tied, with ‘Ol R’s (Robin Miller) first two segments completely out of kilter time wise, as apparently the director got behind script wise? (Although I wouldn’t even attempt this job - nor speaking live on TV...) Along with the never ending continuous prattling on by everyone - not to mention that Townsend Bell sounded like a dead ringer of Robbie ‘Purple Floyd to Mwah, as I know Townsend’s from the Bay, but he sounded Texan to me - I ended up feeling quite A.D.D.ed!

And I won’t try recapping the race, which certainly was way better then St Petersburg, and there  was certainly way more passing then I or probably anybody else expected! As I let out a boisterous YAHOO WILL! After having listened to my neighbor repeatedly loudly open ‘N close the sliding door and roller skating around on the deck - you guessed IT! Directly overhead le Telescreen...

Although I did come away with the thoughts that isn’t it scary how much the powers to be, including Mr. CandyMann (Randy Bernard) have transformed IndyCar into a somewhat thinly disguised Open Wheel version of GULP! RASSCAR! As the Boyz - particularly Marky-Marc (Andretti) took to beatin ‘N bangin; Err Racin’ is Rubbin’ Yuhs hear? In those new age CanAm cars... And there’s ‘dem double-wide starts - as all I think we’re missin’ now is the ‘Rucky Dawg rule; Hya! As at least Joseph Newgarden managed to become the first to knock off a front wing! While I’m growing increasingly BORED over the continuous attempts to make some contrived contro-versy outta the new blockin’ rules... Just one more sign how desperate Indy Car is?

Although once again I was most impressed with “Symone Pagenoe” (Simon Pagenaud) who went head-to-head with his ex-teamate Power when splitting EJ “what, Me Worry?” Viso, whilst I still don’t get Cathy Griffin’s joke ‘bout thy Leggy ‘Juan stuck in the kitty litter... Whilst le ‘Hamburgular (Sebastain Bourdais) put in a monster drive to P9 and “suitcase” Servia passed the most cars overall, while once again I was left wunderin’ where did Justin ‘BIG UNIT Wilson wind-up?

And on a side note - does anybody see any resemblance to Dario’s struggles with the new car to Felipe Massa’s current plight with the recalcitrant Ferrari F2012? Which I’m not comparing the drivers per sei; just find it interesting - which I’ll try expounding upon further shortly.

And there Yuh have it, I didn’t say the B-word; as in Barber is Beautiful! Although I do hear that Mr. Barber’s exquisite museum is an absolute Beaut! As I’d gladly have paid Geo. Phillips for a cheeseburger Tuesday to have been at a permanent road course with turbo-cars Sunday! Although I hear they ain’t exactly the siren song of the Cosworth XB’s...

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