Thursday, September 13, 2012

My Last Grand Prix...

Even when thieves poach his Hublot, Uncle Bernaughty makes out smellin’ like a rose; as he could be heard singin’ I’ve Got  You, Babe - all the way to the bank! (Source: topgear.com)

HOLY TICKET FIXING SCHEMES BATMAN!

SHEISA!

Had originally planned to post this upon 9/11 in honour of No Fenders 6th birthday; BUTT! Got distracted instead... Yet, now Y’all will know how my dig towards Governor Perry ties in, eh?

WOW! Now I know how that woman felt in Nantucket when Jay Penske PISSED ALL OVER her boots! As I just had the personal experience of having Bernie the Malevolent PISS ALL OVER ME! And he did it from afar - not to mention he didn’t even haveda unzip his fly ‘N get his hands dirty ‘cause he had somebody else do it for him...

Perhaps you’re wunderin’ what this latest Tomaso tirade is all about? ‘Whale it involves the sport I once so dearly ‘LUV’ed, thee pinnacle ‘O motorsport known as Formula 1. As I’ve just been severely HOSED by the fine folks at COTA, which I’ve been awaiting traveling to ever since the announcement was made that they’d dropped trow, bent over and Err, gladly paid Uncle Bernaughty Thursday for a  Formula One race today...

And thus, with all of the nefarious polemics cast upon his willing subjects; will there, won’t there be a Grand Prix in Austin, as perhaps Y’all recall Mr. Bernard Ecclestone cheekily telling SPEED’s whipping boy Willy Buxom (Will Buxton) that Austin only needed two things to get its race: “A Pen and Money!”

Its been this type of BULLSHIT that led me to delay my acquisition of airplane & race tickets - which I did in the wrong order and henceforth made a Gynormous mistake - to which I believe ‘Meesh would then type  the letters FML!

Having already purchased my Aeroplane ticket and not opting for travel in$urance, which I doubt I could have cancelled anyways - just to skip goin’ to Austin ‘cause I didn’t wanna pay the Pied Piper - I decided I’d better finally get around to securing my F1 race tickets, right? Which surely there’d be plenty ‘O those 3-day $160 General Admission tickets available - especially nearly three months ahead of time, right?

Thus I placed a call Monday afternoon (Aug 27) directly to the Circuit Of The Americas (COTA) and told the friendly female voice answering my call I wished to purchase tickets for the forthcoming USGP. Very good Sir, what typed of tickets were you looking for? Two GA tickets please... Oh, I’m sorry Sir, ALL of our General Admission  seats were sold out three weeks ago, and our bleacher seats sold out one week ago; WTF? You’ve gotta be kidding, right? NO Sir, but we’ve still got plenty ‘O Premium Seats available... Sigh, how much are those? Oh, we’ve got plenty of good seats starting at $400, along with $553 and $800 seats available... FUCK! What do I do if I’ve already purchased an Aeroplane ticket and don’t wanna spend that much? You could try the secondary market, i.e.; Ticket City, Craig’s List or Ebay, but those might be going for the same $400 price... SHEISA-SHEISA-SHEISA!!!

Being so dumbfounded over this discovery - I simply hung-up and called my Austin, Texas connection instead... As I’m overly leery of secondary markets for F1 tickets right now after having just read about countless fans being SCREWED over by an English ticket seller for the British GP...

‘Whale, did Yuhs tell ‘em you’re BLIND! The voice on the other end of the telephone asked? NO! I was so shocked that I couldn’t even think of this response. Well you’d better call ‘em back & see what they say... Right, I’ll get on that pronto...

So I called COTA again and got a different salesperson - naturally, who I said I was trying to buy tickets for the USGP and I’m legally blind and am looking for two seats, one for Mwah and an accompany ant. Yes, we have ADA seats available. He really threw the word ADA around 3-times, as in Americans with Disabilities Act; SMOOTH! (SEE why I feel like somebody was PISSING on me, eh?)

I’ve got two Sir in Section 15 Row 36; BUTT! My only problem Sir is; I don’t know if those are $400 or $800 seats since the “Premium;” can you say PREMIERE! $800 seating starts at Row-35...

Uhm, you’ve gotta absolutely be joking right? Handicap seating at $800-a-pop; WTF??? You mean it’s the Handicapped person’s fault you don’t have enough accommodations that DON’T cost $800 per-seat? Is there somebody else I can speak to about this? One moment Sir...

Otay, I just talked to our VP of Marketing; he says you can pay $400 per seat and we’ll just stick you somewhere else we can accommodate you in for wheelchair seating...

Look, I’m legally blind - I DON’T use a wheelchair but do need accommodating... Well in that case Sir, my best recommendation would be to purchase two of our $400 “Premium” seats which feature better viewing. These seats do have extended legroom, feature seat backs and drink holders; URGH! (Otay, so I made the cup holders reference up, but you get the point...)


Thus, whimpering spreadin’ my cheeks ‘N taking it up my derriere... I reluctantly said ok, go ahead, what’s your best $400 seats remaining; two please. Very well Sir, I’ve booked your two seats for $800 and there’s a $20 processing fee... BLEEP! Does that include shipping? Yes Sir, we’ll be happy to mail them to you, should I proceed?

Thus having completed this transaction, I hung up the phone and felt absolutely GUTTED! Noting-to-self I haven’t felt that SICK to my stomach since riding the bus to the wrong Transit Centre and potentially being STRANDED by depositing myself at a bus stop where there’s  NO-longer any connections home...

Therefore, I spent the next few hours feeling totally ASHEN FACED afterwards... As the thoughts that pinballed thru my cranium were absolutely nauseating... Thinking back to having just read some witty repartee over P.T. Barnum’s death; you know the due that said: “There’s A Sucker born Every Minute!” As a whole different universe flashed in front of my face...

Thinking how I’d forgone seeing my numero uno rock band RUSh at Key Arena this November over riding two Aeroplanes to Austin instead on the very day of the concert!

As seriously folks; I find it majorly DISGUSTING that COTA (or any other circuit promoter) would be so fiendish to charge a disabled person $400 to sit in a plastic chair, or even better yet a wheelchair - not to mention being unable to even tell said person where his seating location would be...

And for years I’ve been trying to figure out why Indianans’ are so harsh towards Formula 1? As I always thought it was simply something against Foreigner’s... As I’ve spent many moments yelling at thee Confuzer when hearing Kevin Lee & Curt Cavin mention COTA’s impending implosion, along with other sarcasm over the race never bearing fruition. And I’m not so naive to NOT know just how much of a piranha Messer Ecclestone is; BUTT! MOTHER FUCKER! I never, ever in a million years thought I’d be saying Good-on-Ya Mate! (Tony George) Aye Karumba! As I now today applaud George’s decision to not be taken hostage by Bernie and F1 when trying to negotiate an extension for the USGP at Indianapolis...

And I’ve been an Aficionado of Formula One racing for over 25-years now, and can hear these words ringing LOUDLY in my ears... After having recently listened to F1 hopeful Connor Daily on autosport Radio belaboring the necessity of an American in Formula 1 to get the states interested in the sport - I’m afraid to say Connor, you’re wrong! Since gouging the SHIT out of the potential fan base is NOT how you grow an audience... HELL! Even Tony got that aspect right by charging unbelievably REASONABLE prices for Grand Prix tickets, as in $10-Friday practice; $15-Saturday Qualifying and $85-Raceday seats, which is what I shelled out to sit in Turn-2 this year at Indy...

But as Connor also noted on Autosport Radio, when he told some of the Force India F1 boyz he was going home for vacation during early August, one Force India personnel quickly shot back you Are home... As in you’d better make Europe home mentally or you’ll NEVER succeed in F1 boy!

And part of my insistence to attend this year’s Grand Prix is since it’s an inaugural event, which I haven’t participated in since Phoenix, 1989’s Iceberg GP. As I’m laughing myself silly thinking how much blather has been wasted upon Eddie “Duh Goose” Gossage threatening to pull his IndyCar race if there’s a race in Houston and Austin...

As I’d now agree with Kevin & Cavin its only a matter of time until Formula One prices itself out of the Lone Star state, as surely Gossage doesn’t have anything to worry about while I’m guessing Red McCombs is betting he can get his money back before the fans turn their back over the exorbitant prices, eh?

As I’ve been fortunate enough to experience the splendor of F1 in Italy, Germany, Japan, England and Australia. Not to mention having attended the USGP four times previously; twice in Phoenix and twice at Indy.

And I still have Spa and Circuit gilles Villeneuve on my mythical “bucket-list,” precariously clinging to dreams of visiting the Arden forest one day along with Eau Rouge at thee mighty Spa-francorchamps; BUTT! I don’t believe I can consciously support the money-grubbing efforts of Bernie Ecclestone any further!

As I know he DOESN’T give a SHIT about a little piss-ant two-bit F1 Aficionado - to the point that I’ve spent the past six-years (Tuesday, Sept 11) pouring my heart ‘N soul into scribbling ‘bout I-T on Zed Internetz upon my ‘lil BLOB thingy; BUTT! Enough-is-Enough! As I’m seriously contemplating NEVER buying a single piece of  Formula 1 merchandise  again; as in the day Uncle Bernaughty finally cooked my goose - and to think I’ve been wanting to put my Formula 1 Diecast collection into some primo display cases for several years now; FUCk! Don’t even wanna contemplate how many thousands I’ve spent on it ALL! As may be? I should just focus upon IndyCar from now on...

As I was truly so DISGUSTED with the BAD taste left in my mouth that I decided to skip recording my favourite racetrack’s event - Spa and set the recorder for the Baltimore Indy Car Series weekend instead!

Thus, it seems somewhat symbiotic that the very person I mentioned at the top of the story just attended his debutant IndyCar race and was thoroughly BLOWN AWAY! Most notably by the friendliness and accessibility given to the Fans - noting INDYCAR GETS IT! And that doesn’t even include how the series isn’t RAPING its Fans over ticket prices...

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