Friday, February 20, 2015

Commercials Knock Out Qualifying...

Clint Bowyer at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. (Image Source:
Guess I was really, really desperate for the sounds of some racin' motors, eh? As I actually sat down and watched; Err listened to the whole Bloody 'RASSCAR first ever Day Toner 5000 "Knock Out" Qualifying session last Sunday morning. Hey! If only Indy Cars would go racing one of these years, then I wouldn't  be compelled to watch 'RASSCAR; CRIKEYS!

As I've got several thingys to say 'bout I-T! Most emphatically being, like put a cork in I-T Mikey! As 'Ah Shucks Michael Waltrip who was racing said that the Fans got one helluva 'O show... As I'm NO math genius, but 20mins On-track for a 2hr television program AIN'T a hole lotsa racing!

Even worse yet, was the fact that NOBODY wished to be first On-track, hence the entire field  routinely waited thru  half, or more of the allotted five minute session before actually venturing out onto the Ash-fault! So, although I'm not surprised one bit, nor even angry; Hmm? Why does this STUPENDOUS Two Hours made for TV Infomercial immediately make me think of last year's Indy 500 Pole Day abomination! Which I scribbled labourisly 'bout in;

Since, for humor's sake, and to make a point I suppose. I decided to keep track of  the time allotted to actual racing during what I've loosely coined as RASSCAR's Snow Job!

Daytona 500 Knock-out Qualifying
FOX: Feb 15th; 10am-Noon Pacific

10-10:09am) Opening nine minute segment of Blather led by Christopher Meyers, 'DW, (Darrell Waltrip) Mikey "Ah Shucks" Waltrip and Kenny Wallace all ramblin' on 'bout the new (Made for TV) format and how we just DON'T know what's gonna happen; Hee-hee-hee! And You Guys get paid the B-I-G' BUCK$ for this riveting analysis...

10:09-12) 3min Commercial break.

10:12-18)Second round of Blather from the vaunted "Hollywood Hotel;" Yuck-yuck-yuck! Although first three minutes of segment (10:12-15) was devoted to Chris Meyers lobbing "Softballs" at Brian France with remainder of segment devoted to all three driver analysts Sucking NASCAR & Brian France's Teet's!

10:18-21) 3min Commercial break.

10:21-24) Invocation = 1min, National Anthem = 2mins.

10:24-27) 3min Commercial break.

10:27-30) FOX BULLSHIT!
(Mikey "Ah Shucks" Waltrip's Soupier Dooper "Behind-the-Scenes" look at FOX's overbearing 7 Studios housed in Aeroplane Hanger)

10:33-36) FOX Broadcast Booth Boyz introduction, with Mike Joy as lead announcer, 'DW & Larry McCheeze (Mac Reynolds) in the house...

10:36-40) Actual On-track racing of 'Qualie Group 1A Beatin' & Bangin' from Pitlane onto track before the first wreck of the day takes place just four minutes into the session, which get's Red flagged! With further 3mins of first takes on what caused the accident...

10:4346) 3min Commercial break.

10:46-50) Accident reviews; Two of Top-3 fastest qualifiers involved in wreck, including then quickest driver Denny Hamlin...

10:50-52) 2min Commercial break.

10:52-56) Best interview of entire day by Jamie Little with Clint "Fisticuffs!" Bowyer, who was overly H-O-T! Over the #42 with dented rear fender ballooning in breeze slowing him down and how it was a TRAVESTY to spend 6mos preparing a car for NASCAR's Spin 'O Roulette Wheel for who's gonna be on Pole for the Great American Race; Chu-Ching!

As I won't be surprised if Bowyer gets fined for speaking his mind and not being A-L-L Rainbows 'N Bunnies over NASCAR! Although I applaud his total candor & hope NASCAR will allow drivers to speak like this in the future!

Next, the remaining competitors able to go back on track have only one minute's time remaining and with NOBODY willing to go first, the entire pack is unable to get to the "stripe" in-time (Starting line) and thus, NO time's recorded, leaving Hamlin P1 of the very first session after having elected to not go back out, as NASCAR will allow him to change his three flat tyres for his next session. While Reed Sorenson, the #42 driver admitted to blocking Bowyer...

Amazingly! As I'd been expectin' Darrell "BOOGITY-BOOGITY-BOOGITY! Waltrip to pronounce another First for RASSCAR! Regarding the Knock Out Qualifying format, Mike Joy actually confessed that the format has been used by Formula 1 and Wink-Wink, Nudge-Nudge," Other Series..." Hmm? C'mon Joy, you can say IndyCar On Air, right? Hooah!

10:59-11:02) Group 1B takes a similar decision of NOT being first On-track and they collectively wait out half of the session before running two pretty clean laps, i.e.; NO wrecks! With the last of my hurriedly scribbled notes saying this session lasted from 11:02-10AM Pacific, before I quit trying to take notes and just enjoy the ensuing carnage instead! As Y'all get the idea of how FARCICAL this show was, as I'd be PISSED if I was actually in attendance...

Funny, how the whole first attempt at this novelty reminded me  of "the Split!" Like when CART's Stars crashed and IRL's contenders were whoever couldn't get a ride with the "B-I-G' BOYZ" Teams...

As the whole production, which featured less than 20mins actual racing seemed overly pathetic! Albeit think it was Group 1B? Which saw the lead pack tossing out anchors, i.e.; reducing their speed by 10mph minimum! In order to try preventing the followers posting higher speeds then theirs, in what could have been a very scary accident! Thinking it was 'DW who mentioned how Matt Kensett had threaded the eye of the needle!

Nice hearing Jamie Little's voice again, as she seemed to be the lead Pitlane reporter called upon the most - with two great interviews with Bowyer and BAD BOY Kurt "F-Bombs R-US!" Busch lamenting how STUPID the new qualifying format was! To which Hamlin replied it was Mayhem when asked his thoughts on the first Qualie  session.

Also heard the familiar soothing tones of Chris Neville along with Matt Yokum as Pitlane reporters.

And pretty funny that Queen Danica only got 15+ seconds of Facetime during the first promo-segment of broadcast and then nary a peep upon her! As all four of Stewart-Haas's cars failed to advance to the final 12-car Pole Shootout, along with zero Ford's making the dance, as so much for parity; as I found the whole broadcast to be choc 'O block with "Tom Foolery" to say the least, like cars sitting on Pitlane for half of their allotted running time!

And then it was over at 11:43AM! With just the front row being decided, having not bothered to watch 'Dem Gatorade Twin 463 Duel's; Hya! As now it's almost time for the Great American Race to begin this Sunday, which think I'll skip! Unless it gets rained out and goes Primetime Monday Night with Juan Pablo "MAC" Montoya hitting' a Jet-drier; Oh Never Mind!