No Fenders Boxing Day Holidazes Tradition continues

A not so subtle Barrage Balloon being deployed on the Eastern Front. (The Tomaso Collection)

 

Apparently Ye Red Baron Done Shot Up this No Fenders Post, ack-Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack!

 

“Everybody Knows A Turkey and some Missletoe

Helps to Keep the Season Bright!”

 

Although neither Snoopy or thou Red Baron will be taking Off today. Since it feels Nippy enough for another very rare arrival of Snow here in Bumfiddle’ Florence, which is a rarity due to our proximity to Sea level Ho Ho Ho!

 

As little did I, or cadres ‘O it’s loyal listeners then knew. That the day after Veterans Day 2022, would be the final time that  Cool FM, Eugene’s 99.1FM Radio Station. Which None of us can pick up anymore on Ye Oregon Coast via Florence’s Transmitter. When it’s Not Foggy, Raining, Hailing out and you’re holding your Elboz’ just right, Oh Never Mind!

 

Would Began Thar final, yearly, multi-weeks Holiday Programming of playing Nonstop round Ye clock 24/7 Nothing but Ack Ack Ack Christmas Songs Barrage goes thru New Years.

 

At first I couldn’t figure out why they went off the Air for weeks in February? Before one day they returned to the Airwaves as The Beat! Playing Hideous 1990-2000’s Teeny-bopper’ Rap ‘n Hip Hop music, WTF! A far cry from what I enjoyed listening to on their radio station for nearly five years! Since Ain’t Thar something about five Golden Rings?

 

As this is a really crappy way of telling me I’m a Dinosaur, and my Age Demographic Don’t matter to Yuhs G-Damn Advertisers! Although News Flash, I refuse to listen to your new format Bastardoes!

 

I actually enjoyed this yearly tradition, since it was the only time ‘O year Yuhs could Hear such Classics as John Lennon’s so this is Christmas, which is definitely my Numero Uno X-Mas Song!

 

Along with The Beach Boys ‘lil Saint Nick “run-run Reindeer” song. Or I want A Hippopotamus for Christmas. Alvin and The Chipmunks, chuck Berry’s Run-Run Rudolf, You’re A Mean One Mr. Grinch along with other various Classics like Bing Crosby and David Bowies Peace On Earth-Little Drummer Boy Duet et Al.

 

Not to mention I would always hear some Vintage Christmas song I hadn’t heard before. As one year I spent several weeks trying to figure out that it was The Carpenters singing Sleigh ride from their 1978 Album Christmas Portrait, but I digress…

 

VIDEO: Sleigh Ride

 

Whilst I most definitely got a Smile on my face when hearing for the very first time ever during the winter of 2021, The Ballad of Snoopy’s Yuletide Dogfight!

 

VIDEO: Father Christmas: Snoopy’s Christmas vs. the Red Baron

 

As the song is by The Royal Guardsmen, a Florida Rock Band who later became known as the “Snoopy Band!” As their Snoopy Christmas song was recorded in 1966. With the song reaching No. 2 on the billboard Hot 100 and was certified Gold in early ’67.

 

Funniest bit ‘O trivia is the Band recorded the song without Charles Schulz’s initial permission. So their record label Up North Eh! In Ye Great White North of Oh Kanaduh’ refused to release it due to potential legal issues Stateside with Messer Schulz.

 

So the Band put out a very blatant re-issue called Squeaky ant The Black Knight Up North Eh! Which also became popular in Ye Frozen Tundra before Schulz gave his permission for the song.

 

Hence, naturally I got a Wild Hair to “See” if I could find said Squeaky and The Black Knight Great White North “Import” version, for which I was super Surprised that it came up almost immediately, Ja Volt!

 

VIDEO: Snoopy vs. the Black Knight

 

And although Snoopy, Woodstock and Ye Red Baron All lived to Fight Another Gory Day, Ho Ho Ho! Unfortunately that Damn Baron Von Richthofen done Destroyed a perfectly good working radio station, meaning Thar won’t be no round thee clock Christmas music to listen to this year upon thoust Mystical Isle of NoFendersville…

 

Since after All, It used to be  the “Most Wonderful Time of The Year,” SPEW! Now, does anybody know where I can buy a Turkey? Or how Much this Damn Bird Weighs? Ho Ho Ho…

 

Then last year, I heard for the first time ‘Ol BJ “Raindrops are Falling” Thomas! Play me my new favourite Sing-along song. Yuhs know about Somebody doin’ Somebody wrong…

 

VIDEO: Hey, won’t you Play another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song

 

Whilst just shy of three weeks before Christmas this year. On a Friday evening, Coast Radio played a song about a Reindeer in Overalls and sportin’ a John Deere Tractor Cap! Hearing Leroy the Redneck Reindeer for my very frist time ever, which definitely cracked me up and brought a smile to my face…

 

VIDEO: Leroy the Redneck Reindeer

 

Happy boxing Day, Yall!

 

Image C/O No Fenders Offical’ Photographer CARPETS’ – Somewhere’ on the Wabash… 

Merry Kringle, Y’all!

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when through all of the paddocks.

Not a motor was idling, not even a single Cosworth “Lump” could be heard.

The garages were swept and tidied with care,
In hopes that Roger Penske soon would be there.

The mechanics were nestled all snug in their beds.
While visions of Championship bonuses danced in their heads. (Not to mention HULIO dreaming of what might have been, if only he hadn't crashed over that 'Yump in Houston)

 

And “Princess” in her negligee, (Or was that her Cowboy Hat 'N swim suit?) Along with Paul Tracy in his crash bucket, had just settled down for a quick tryst in the sack.

 

(Hey! I hear that Dan-Dan-Danickers' now available, right Aaron? Likes guess that’s Not the Only fumble You’ve Made? Although I hear Carter Comstock’s Dropped Danica too…)

 

When out on the lawn there arose such a racket, ‘ol PT sprang from the bed to see what “TAG, Suitcase Servia, Whiney Bags and Bad Bobby D’ were groaning about.

 

Away to the window Tracy flew like a demon. Ran over the back markers and punted the Hamburgular clear outta the way.

 

The smoke from between Sea Bass’s ears. Glistened like a smoke signal, without a glow. When, what to PT’s wandering eyes should appear but a Ferrari ENZO followed by an armada of Prancing Horses in tow.

 

The ENZO was piloted by an ex-Formula 1 driver, still brutally quick.
That Tracy knew in an instant it must be Michael Schumacher.

More rapid than a grid full of Bridgestone alternate “soft rubber tyre’ Formula 1 chassis in “Qualie Two” light fuel tanks mode. The seven times World Champion whistled and jeered, and called them by name;

 

Now, Mika now, Coulthard! Now, Rubinoe and Ralfanso!

On, Heinz-Harald! On Villeneuve! On Damion and Irvine!

 

To the front of the grid! To the head of the pack.

Now burn rubber, burn rubber baby, burn rubber quick!

 

As tyre tracks that leave ominous black streaks behind. While Herr Schumacher leaves another competitor further behind!

 

So up to the roof-top the Prancing Horses flew. With trunk loads of presents and Schuey too. And then, came a banshee wail of the ENZO, high atop the roof.

 

The revving and idling of each assorted Ferrari. As PT rubbed his hands. Down the chimney Schuey forlornly came. He was dressed all in Scuderia Red, from his head to his foot.

And his Nomex driver’s suit was all tarnished with ashes and soot.

 
an assortment of winning trophies, he’d stuffed into his back pack.

 

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His rosy cheeks, how they glowed.

His hair as always was perfect, (by Loreal…)

 

his jaw like a chisel! His lips clenched in a mischievous smirk. As the smile was reminiscent of a Cheshire cat.

 

The remains of a Cuban cigar hung limply from his teeth. As clouds of Smoke encircled Schuey's head like a wreath.

He had a taunt face and washboard abs. that still showed his youthful physique when he laughed at the dumbfounded PT. He was strong and fit as an ox, a festive and jolly elf.

 

Thus Paul could only laugh when he appeared

 

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head. Soon gave TRACY nothing to fear. As Schuey spoke nary a word, but went straight to his work. Filling all of the stockings with various racing trinkets. Such as the 2002 Borg Warner Cup, a new three year contract signed by P.L. Newman & Carl Haas along with some of the Hamburgular’s secret winning sauce…

 

Before Messer Chrome Horn could wipe away his astonishment, the famous German turned Quickly, laying his finger aside of his nose. And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

 

He sprang to his idling ENZO, and to his waiting minions gave a whistle. And the screeching of tortured Ferrari lumps could be heard as they burst away like rocket ships! But ‘Ol PT heard Schumacher exclaim, as he power-slided out of sight,

"Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good-night."

 

Merry Kringle Y'all!

Tomaso

 

(Originally written by Tomaso – December, 2007; last modified on 12/2/23) 

Happy Holley 4-barrel Holidazes, Y'all!

Groan, he's at it again. In what’s now become a yearly tradition here on No Fenders. Where your Humble Scribe Tomaso tortures Y’all with his witty repartee of his version of poetry  from a much overused theme, Hya!

 

As Merry Festimus' Y'all, from Ye Mystical Isle 'O Nofendersville, a Happy, Joyous, Contented piece 'O Wind Swept Barren Rock, Somewheres' on thou Oregonian Coast between Winchester Bay and Cape Perpetua, R-R-R' Mateys!

 

Although it's another somewhat Blue, Blue Christmas, since unfortunately that Fine Kuhnaidiun' Lass Claire's No longer with us. Not to mention Ye Rhythm Professor, thou one ‘N only Neil Peart, Gil de Feran, or sadly Mad Molly and Pixie the Wonderdog, Wuf-Wuf!

 

Betcha thought I was gonna Roll with 'Ol Elvis's Blue-Blue-Blue platter, Eh? But Claire would want something a 'lil more up-tempo like I Dunno, a ‘lil Ditty from Ye Muppets Me Thinks!

 

VIDEO: Andrea Bocelli and Friends Jingle Bells

 

As  Y’all can See ‘N Hear Claire’s unique Zest for life on one of her past videos. As Claire also went by the “Handle” Panda, and I can only “guess” HaHaHa where her inspiration for this funny video came from…

 

VIDEO: Panda the Frog and Animals

 

As may be it’s ye Eggnog? But I always think of my favourite Two Hosers this time ‘O year, Fa la la la la lah…

 

NO! Not thee Mayor 'O Hinchtown and thou Young Wicky! (Robert Wickens) Nor Scott "What Pace Car?" Goodyear & Jockess V, nee Jack Vanilla, aka Jacques Villeneuve. Nye Pat "The Carpenter" (Carpentier) Nor TAG', nee Alex Tagliani. Or our two Newest Hosers Dalton Kellett or Sparky’, nee Devlin DeFrancesco, but I digress…

 

Nope instead, typically this time 'O year, those loveable KuhNucks Bob & Doug always come to mind, along with thar signature version of a certain Christmas song! And ah One, and Ah two Ladies ‘N Germs…

 

On the First Day 'O Carmania, 'Ol Carroll Shelby Growled loudly at Me;

Son, Thar better be Juan 'O my Darn Blasted Contraptions in your Pitiful Song!

 

On the Twelfth Day 'O Carmania, ‘Ol Tomaso  crooned Gleefully…

 

12 Long's Doughnuts

11 X Rows of Shiny Dallara's

10Speeding Ferrari's

Nine BOSS Mustangs

eight 'lil E No. 88 Diecast's

Seven Bars 'O Geddy Lee

 

Like Where’s My Thing Geddy? Hit it! And Ah-One and Ah-Two. Not to mention the unmistakable percussion of Ye Rhythm Professor…

 

VIDEO: Rush – Where’s My thing

 

Six Carling Black Labels'

Five Aston Martin DB5's'

four Borg Warner Trophies

three Diamantina Cocktails'

Two Saleen Mustangs

And a Bad Arse 289 FIA Shelby Cobra underneath thou Tree!

 

As this witty repartee from Thy Isle 'O Nofendersville was inspired by Bob & Doug McKenzie, for which they'd definitely say Take Off Eh! As this "Song's" Definitely Done, and that Labatts too Hoser!

 

VIDEO: Bob & Doug’s 12 Days of Christmas

 

And to All who continue reading thy No fenders Blog, A Huge shout Out and Thanks!

 

Along with Everybody who Assists me over thoust Gory Year, i.e.; Blogmeister Miguel, Tacoma Bureau Chief Mary Ellen, Snowbyrd’ MJ, No Fenders Offical’ Photographer Carpets’, Randal thy Moniker King, and last but certainly not least. Artiste Dave, for the Bitchin’ No Fenders logo! Along with whomever else I left Out…

 

As ‘Ol Lawrence Welk would say Ah One, and Ah Two and Ah Very good Night! Felice Navidad and Merry Kringle! Since after all, It is the most wonderful, BARF! Oh put a Sock in It Andy Williams, Hya!

 

Or if Yuhs Don’t know the “real” story of Santa, then sit back and listen to Cheech ‘n Chong tell Y’all…

 

VIDEO: Santa Claus and His Old Lady

 

See Y'all early Nex Year, when “I Shall return” in earnest on Jan 5, 2026.

 

Arrivederci

Tomaso

 

Picture Credit:

Now that Chrysler’s Killed their Awesome Dodge V-8 Hellcat Charger and SRT “Redeye” Challengers, BOO! Hopefully Santa will still be able to find replacement parts from Mopar for His Bitchin’ Sled, Ho-Ho-Ho!

 

(Image source: caranddriver.com) 

The 2025 IndyCar Golden Tailpipe Awards edition

Everybody loves Alex, except Zak. But Cheep’ loves winners better! (The Tomaso Collection)

 

As who will Santa be Awarding “Gifts” to this year? Whilst pretty sure I know who’s getting a lump ‘O coal! (Zakery)

 

Once again,  I’m finishing off the year’s No Fenders posts Here upon Ye mystical’ Isle of Nofendersville, with Thy yearly IndyCar Golden Tailpipe Award selections. Hence these choices were Jotted down after somewhat quick deliberation.

 

Whilst Y’all can compare ‘n contrast this year’s choices with my Elongated 2024 Selections in the following link.

 

The 2024 IndyCar Golden Tailpipe Awards edition

 

WINNERS

2025 IndyCar Champion: Alex Palou, Spain

2025 Indy 500: Alex Palou; Chip Ganassi Racing

2025 Rookie Of the Year: Louis foster, UK

 

CATEGORIES

1. Driver of The Year

Winner: Alex Palou

Yeah, this one seems obvious, even though I typically try thinking outside the box. Yet “vice Champion” Pato O’Ward finished 196 points behind, and with six less victories!

 

As let that sink in Uno Momento. Alex Palou’s margin of victory was ten points shy of four “Clean Sweep” race weekends, i.e.; Pole, ONE lap LED, Most laps led and the Win. (54 points maximum) Or four points shy of a four race wins lead!

 

As we All know that Alex truly had a magical season, with 8 wins, 6 poles, 14 Top-5’s and 15 Top-10 finishes, enroute to crushing the competition.

 

And for the cherry on top, Palou won His first ever Oval race at none other than the Indianapolis 500, Bravo!

 

Other Choices

Pato O’Ward, Kyle Kirkwood, and I suppose Scott Dixon?

 

2. Biggest Disappointments of The Year

For Mwah, this one’s simple. As the two biggest disappointments are Roger Penske’s Dismissal of will Power, and Zak Brown’s refusal to settle out of court vs. Alex Palou.

 

We all know that Power was Penske’s best finishing driver the past two seasons, not to mention all of His other glittering stats.

 

As how do you replace a Two-times IndyCar Champion, Indianapolis 500 winner. The All-time career Pole winner, (71) and fourth All-time career wins (45) with David Malukus?

 

As no disrespect to Chicago Davey’, having been a Fan of His since entering Indy Cars, But! The Kid’s only raced four seasons with a total of 44 starts. Zero pole positions or wins and three podiums.

 

Although He did finish a career best 11th overall driving for A.J. Foyt Enterprises last year…

 

Yet how does one replace the legendous’ Will Power? While Shame on Roger for treating Him like a commodity on a ledger sheet and deciding it’s past it’s best used by date, which He also did with Helio Castroneves…

 

An Inglorious end to a Glorious Partnership

 

Yet even worse, is Zak Brown’s insistence upon ruining Alex Palou for life! Claiming the Four-times IndyCar Series Champion and reigning Indy 500 winner owes Him an eye watering $19.5m, as in millions for alleged “Damages” over Palou rescinding His desires to drive for Zak!

 

As I cannot confirm this, or heard it anywhere else. But I believe I heard Marshall Pruett say on His Podcast that at one point Zak was willing to settle for just a few million dollars…

 

The “long and expensive” McLaren v Palou war comes to a Conclusion

 

3. Race of The Year

Oval Track Winner: Milwaukee

Like most choices here, this was simply a process of elimination. As I’d have to say that Gateway ranked towards getting the nod, but ultimately fell short due to the fact that Milwaukee featured our latest debutante IndyCar winner, that being Christian Rasmussen.

 

Not to mention that Rasmussen and Ed Carpenter Racing (ECR) boldly chose to pit on the final caution to bolt on fresh Firestones and storm to the lead from I believe being P19, or was it 9th? Audaciously passing none other than Alex Palou for the victory!

 

Sugarplums, Rainbows and Splenda Sweetness abound at Milwaukee

 

Twisties' Track Winner: Portland

This probably was the hardest choice for Mwah, since the season finishes so long ago! But giving my Home-track the nod. Since Thar was actually passing at Portland, with Pato O’Ward starting on pole due to pole winner Christian Lundgaard serving a six grid place drop for an unapproved engine change.

 

While Lundgaard and Palou had a mighty scrap over second place, while Will Power returned to the top step of the podium a year later after His last win at Portland. As DJ WillyP’ started third, but won again!

 

4. Most Improved Team of the Year

Winner: Meyer Shank Racing

Initially considered two other teams for this honour, i.e.; A.J. Foyt Enterprises and Ed Carpenter Racing. Since both improved overall. Yet Foyt’s Santino Ferrucci slid down, and even with one win, ECR’s two drovers were only 13th and 15th.

 

Yet with MSR’s two drivers finishing inside the Top 10. With Felix-the-Cat’ (Rosenqvist) sixth, and Marcus Armstrong only 8 points behind in eighth. (372-364) This is “Heady” territory for the Midfield team. As now they need to win a race to continue their upwards trajectory.

 

5. Most Disappointing Team of the Year

Winner: Team Penske

Yeah, their three drivers finished P9-10-12 in the championship, with a paltry two wins. Which naturally you’d expect more from El Capitano’s eponymous race team.

 

Yet being caught cheating at Mother Speedway, the second time in 14 months, ultimately left shock waves at Team Penske. And then there’s the bungling of Will Power’s dismissal to boot! Which makes this choice a no brainer.

 

INDY 500: Penske to the Forefront Again 

The 2025 IndyCar Golden Tailpipe Awards edition, Positions 6-10

How strange will it be not having Will Power in this car? (The Tomaso Collection)

 

    As DJ WillyP’ says “Somebody give Me a Cheeseburger!”

 

Hard to believe its already been a whopping 107 days since IndyCar raced! Meaning its somewhat hard to make my yearly choices, which I try doing spontaneously, going with whatever comes to mind first…

 

CATEGORIES 6-10

6. Most Improved Driver of the Year

Winner: Kyle Kirkwood

Almost overlooked the driver affectionately known as “Kirk” Kirkwood. Yet being a fan of His ever since His Scorched Earth Road to Indy campaign, it seemed only a matter of time until having His Breakout season in the “big” Cars!

 

Yeah, its somewhat odd thinking of Him being “improved”. Yet the Floridian won three races this season. Including His first Oval track win at Gateway.

 

At one point, Kirkwood was the only driver not named Palou to win! And looking like Alex’s main competitor for the title, but we know how that went…

 

As Kirkwood finished a career best fourth overall this year, and has just signed a multi-year contract extension with Andretti Global.

 

7. Most Disappointing Driver of the Year

Winner: Marcus Ericsson

Just for the record, I’ve been a Fan of Marcus’s since meeting Him in person in Austin Wayback’ in 2014! Which is why it pains me to nominate Him for this dubious No Fenders award.

 

The Affable Swede’s life obviously changed after winning the 2022 Indianapolis 500, before He was Robbed the following year!

 

No idea why, but ever since He’s moved to Andretti Global, its just been a super bumpy road for Him. As this year was supposed to be when He improved at Andretti.

 

Ericsson started off with a sixth place finish at St Pete before multiple 20-something finishes, with a resounding thud of P26 at the Indy Road Course race.

 

And then when it looked like the page had turned for Marcus, with a fine second place finish at Mother Speedway. Through no fault of His own, Ericsson and teammate Kyle Kirkwood’s (6th) scars failed post-race tech inspection. With unapproved modifications to the Dallara’s Energy Management System’s )EMS) cover with modified spacers and unapproved parts. Seeing Ericsson and Kirkwood reclassified P31-32, Youch!

 

Resetting at Detroit, Marcus finished 13th, with the remainder of the season seeing a string of “Tweens” and twentieths. With the lone bright spot being a fifth at Toronto, His highest finish of the season. Wit a total of only two Top-10’s and one Top-5 finish.

 

Thus it pains me to keep bangin’ on about how I think Marcus will be replaced by Dennis Hauger when His contract expires next year. But I hope Ericsson will remain in IndyCar…

 

8. Comeback Driver of The Year

Winner: Callum Ilott

How can you not admire a driver for eschewing a Factory Sports Car drive in order to race in IndyCar? Even if it’s a brand new team. Coming on the heels of winning the Six Hours of Spa for Team Hertz Jota in a Porsche 963.

 

Returning to IndyCar with the brand new “ground-up” Prema Racing, which naturally struggled early. Ilott showed flashes of His old-self toward season’s end. Claiming His first Top-10 finish at Toronto in eight. Followed by back-to-back sixth place finishes the next two round at Laguna Seca and Portland. And then capped off the season by finishing ninth at Nashville.

 

As it’s a shame that Ilott possibly won't race in IndyCar this year…

 

9. “Big Boyz Pants” Award

Winner: Will Power

Know it’s the “Nature of the Beast”. But I found Ryan Marin’s question on whether He’d be back at Penske or not during His winner’s podium interview at Portland disgusting!

 

As no driver should have to endure such relentless haranguing by the media!

 

As Kudos to DJ willyP’ for being a class act about this! As He deserved to lose His cool  from the relentless, repeated barrage of the same question. And give somebody the Will Internal I’m on fire Power response! As where’s a Double Bird salute when Yuhs need one, Eh?

 

As I love the fact that Power said NO to El Capitano’, and is extending His IndyCar career at Andretti Global.

 

As why did that ‘Ol Little River Band’s “It’s A Shame” song come screaming into my Head? Yuhs know, in the wrong garden…

 

VIDEO: Red-Headed Wildflower

 

10. Rookie of The Year

Winner: Robert Shwartzman

Yeah, know that Louie’ foster nipped Shwartzman for the IndyCar rookie Of the Year Honours, but! Shwartzman clearly comes out on top for Mwah!

 

As the Israeli born Shwartzman, at age 25 was making His debut not only in IndyCar, but driving on totally foreign tracks to Him. Along with driving for the brand new rookie Prema racing outfit…

 

Shwartzman scored the team’s first Top-10 at Gateway, and then backed it up with His season best finish of P9 in Iowa’s Race-2.

         

Yet undoubtably, Shwartzman’ crowning achievement was His shock pole position at Mother Speedway! Becoming the first rookie to claim pole for the Indianapolis 500 since Teo Fabi in 1983, Aye Karumba!

 

Along with Prema being the first “rookie” team to claim pole at the Brickyard since Meyer Motor Racing with The Gasman’, aka Tom Sneva in 1984.

 

Interesting how Robert’s best finishes, and performances all came upon Ovals, something brand new to Him. While we’re all awaiting the outcome of Prema Racing for next season, and if they return to IndyCar? 

Fandom Killing, iHeart style

Can you Hear me now iHeart Radio!

 

Every fall, when motor racing’s primarily over and I’m looking for other sporting events for “entertainment’s” value. I get sucked into the never ending, nauseating iHeart Radio vortex, which instantly leaves me fuming!

 

Believe it was a year ago when I painfully tried tuning into a Sounders FC playoffs match. Pulling up the requisite radio channel on Ye Intrawoods’, (internet) only to be told repeatedly. Thanks for tuning in but you’re not allowed to listen to Play by Play radio. Check the iHeart Radio App if you feel you’ve reached this in error, WTF?

 

As I’d run into this same Buzz Joy Killer one year earlier when foolishly trying to listen to a Seahawks playoff game, Sigh! Why are you precluding me from listening, you Bastardoes!

 

Now here’s the rub. Even though I got the first match’s start time wrong. Tuning in at 7PM Pacific, for the start of the second Half. Game

1 of the Sounders FC vs. Minnesota Loons came piping in crystal clear with decent sound via Seattle’s KJR Radio 950AM. Which unfortunately Seattle lost 3-2 in PK’s, ergo Penalty Kick Shootout at Allianz Stadium.

 

Hmm, I still remember visiting the local Allianz insurance office in Traben-Trarbach, when visiting  Germany in 2002. When they sponsored the Williams BMW Formula 1 team. Having noticed a poster in the window. The man in the office was quite confused over why we Americans would want a poster or were so excited about it? Before He ended up giving us three Allianz F1 posters; two of Ralf Schumacher, and one of Juan Pablo Montoya. As the blue and white Team Willy’ Cars were quite Sharp lookin’, but I digress…

 

So I waited a week for the second match of the first round between Seattle and Minnesota at Lumen Field. And naturally was Cornfuzed’ and ultimately Peeved over the Intrawoods’ telling me that I couldn’t listen to the Play by Play in my area on the iHeart mobile App. But I’m trying to listen to the game on my Desktop Confuzer you stupid iHeart Radio!

 

This was after I’d tuned in to KJR 950AM and listened to what seemed like five Freakin’ minutes of commercials before returning to some College football weekly review program or some other El Stupidio Stick ‘n Ball sports show nonsense. Before the Sounders FC pregame banter should have begun.

 

Strangely, the game was being aired on (Fox Sports) FS1, so I turned it on and listened to two very annoying sounding voices for the end of the pregame prattle. Hoping they’d be replaced by somebody else to no avail.

 

After Seattle scored first to go ahead One-Nil in the eighth minute  and I’d gotten tired of the announcers. I stupidly spent some twenty-plus minutes searching the Internets’ for another way to listen to the Sounders FC radio announcers instead. With the annoying you still cannot listen to this loop announcement telling me to visit the iHeart Help webpage which I did.

 

But every way I tried searching for

Info kept coming up with the same answer. About why I couldn’t listen Advertisement Free to the program. But I’m not trying to do that you Bloody Wankers!

 

So I tried going to Tune in Radio instead, but got the same you cannot listen to our program loop announcement. As Gory Hell! I’m in Freaking BumFiddle’ Oregon! So why are you blocking me from listening to a sporting event being played in Warshington’, Buggers!

 

Thus, when I resigned myself to “watching”, Err listening to the match back on FS1. I tuned back in as Minnesota scored a second, sloppy goal to tighten the score to 3-2 at the end of the first half! Before Seattle sealed the Dealio’ with a late, fourth goal to win 4-2 and extend the series Game 3 at Minnesota.

 

Naturally, being at the frozen tundra of Allianz Stadium in Minny HaHa! I was able to once again listen to the majority of the pregame banter on Seattle’s KJR 950AM, via Zed Intrawoods’. Before listening to the entire, Whale’, almost entire match on my Confuzer, Riddle me that!

 

The game started off brilliantly, with Seattle stunning Minnesota Two-Nil inside the first 10 minutes! Before the Sounders let down on a Free-kick for the score to be 2-1 at Halftime. Although one of the Loons players received a Red card for a Head-bunt, meaning Minnesota would be a man down the rest of the match.

 

Yet inexplicably, Seattle let Minnesota score two unanswered goals, after Danny Musovski? Or somebody else had planked another shot off of the Loons “12^th Man”, the Crossbar!

 

Yet after late game substitutions, Seattle scored again to knot the match at 3-3 in the game’s 88th minute. To which I immediately said to my speakers, its gonna go to PK’s…

 

Interestingly, Seattle subbed in back-up Goalkeeper Andrew Thomas, as part of those late substitutions. As Thomas is 12 years younger then No. 1 Keeper’ Stefan Frei.

 

And as one of the radio announcers marveled. You cannot make this stuff up! Since after Thomas had lunged the correct direction when the Loons first penalty kick missed wide right. Thomas somehow injured His hand! With speculation suggesting a dislocated finger?

 

As Seattle’s trainers instantly taped up His injured Hand. Yet during this lull, and the Sounders FC Albert Rusnak making Seattle’s first PK. The pregame announcer broke in to alert us, that if PK’s went more than ten minutes, we’d need to “seamlessly” switch over to the Sounders FC Streaming Channel, Say What?

 

Next, Jordan Morris hit the Crossbar, Seattle’s third time  in the two Penalty Kicks Shootout (to that point) that the Rave Green’s shots had errantly hit the crossbar, Shite!

 

And right after the Sounders third shot calmly into the back of the net, much to Minnesota Goalkeeper Dayne St. Clair’s chagrin. The speakers said 15 seconds until Kraken. Going directly into the Seattle Kraken’s pregame show Motha Fokkers

 

As I just laughed in outrage, and shook my head as I got up dejectedly from my Confuzer! Before sitting back down again after cancelling the Kraken Blather. And then tried briefly to find said streaming channel before giving up, without knowing the outcome of the match, Unbelievable!

 

So I guess I’m not shocked over the Kraken knocking the sounders off the air. But what I don’t understand, is why would you purposely keep Fans living in another state from listening to games being played in Seattle?

 

Its not like I was asking to listen commercial free you dolts! But I just cannot figure out why you’d want to prevent Fans from listening to a broadcast? Making me somewhat hope that Seattle lost and I wouldn’t have to endure any more of this Bullshit! Not finding out the results for another four hours…

 

Oh yeah, when I tried going directly to iHeart radio’s website. My screen reader “Zoey the Princess Warrior read out  grid with one column and 15 rows. But naturally they were all graphics Jackarses! Meaning once again, my screen reader couldn’t read me anything…

 

Could we please knock this Shit off of being lazy and using graphics which are not screen reader friendly for those of us without vision! Being just one more reason I Hate iHeart Radio!

 

Knock this Shit Off you Website Developers!

 

Can you Hear me RACER! 

The Tomaso Files: Mariners bring Hope. Give Joy, and then Despair

Do we have to go Home? As Hang 10’ Hilo eagerly anticipates another Mariners Baseball game. (The Tomaso Collection)

 

As the Mariners leave Seattle Hanging again, after another errant Slider…

 

Hey, I saw a flock of Blue Jays

Looking for the Stadium near Sodo’

From my Amtrak train’s window

 

Hilo’s paws aren’t Hairy

Wrapped in a Blanket for the cold

He’d like to meet My Tailor

And only wants the Beef from my bowl of Chow Mein

And Not the Noodles

 

Toronto got Mutilated Monday night

At Rodgers Stadium

Better stay away from Team Mobile Park

Ah Whoo, Mariners on the Rampage!

 

Dave Neihaus’s statue is perfect

Although He’s sporting a Mustache now

Saying My, Oh, My!

Time to get out the Rye Bread ‘n Mustard Grandma

Ah Whoo, Mariners on the Rampage!

 

But Jack Nicholson’s in LaLa land

Watching the Dodgers

(On their way to the World Series)

And the Trader Vic’s closed for the night

So no Pina Coladas

 

Just me, Hang 10’ Hilo

Eatin’ T-Bone Steaks

While the Mariners are on the Rampage!

 

Ah Whoo, Mariners on the Rampage!

Ah Whoo, Mariners on the Rampage!

 

So, ever wondered what your Haggard, but Humble No Fenders Scribe Tomaso does in the midst ‘O winter when Thars’ no Gory IndyCar?

 

Yep, you guessed it! I come up with other wacky, zany ways to stay entertained during the six months Hibernation…

 

Having Oh, so cleverly come up with that witty Mariners Ditty, Chuh-ching! After the Mariners had rocketed ahead of those pesky Blue Jays 2-0. But we All know how that turned out, BOOH!

 

I’m not a Baseball Fan and had even gone so far as taking the Mariners section off of my NFB Newsline for The Blind’s news feed. Since every year, the Mariners start off Hot, get everyone talking about playoffs and then Thud!

 

Yet this year was different, and thus, I sat down and “watched”, Err listened to my first baseball game in forever! Naturally picking Game 1 of the Mariners vs. Detroit Tigers, which they lost 3-2 in 11 innings, Stee-rike!

 

Thus I only paid cursory attention to the next few games, until it was Game 5 in Seattle.

 

In years past, I wouldn’t have bothered at all. But instead, picking a Doozy! I sat thru the entire game which took five hours to complete. Lasting until the 15th inning when gloriously, Mariners second baseman Jorge Polanco drove in the winning run with a single. With the Mariners victorious 3-2, advancing to the American League Championship series (ALCS) for the first times since 2001!

 

What I enjoyed most about that game was the Mariners “Unsung” Heroes pitching in. Most notably Leo Rivas, celebrating His 28th birthday no less! Hitting a single (RBI) in the seventh inning to tie the score 2-2.

 

Not to mention Seattle’s pitchers coming out of the Bullpen. Not having done so since College or earlier…

 

As I really enjoyed The Seattle Times article upon the late “voice” of the Mariners Dave Niehaus’s daughter Greta sitting with Her immortalized Pops’ at the end of Game 5. Which I feel sums up Mariners baseball perfectly.

 

Dave Niehaus statue helped His Daughter get thru Mariners Game 5 Win

 

Totally missed Game 1 of the Best of Seven vs. Toronto, before tuning in late to Game 2 to hear the announcer saying Seattle leads 2-0 before joining our normally scheduled program already in progress…

 

Then I forgot about Game 3, presumably distracted scribblin’ that Ditty before departing to Warshington’. Then wondering somewhere round Olympia-Lacey, how the Mariners playing at T-Mobil Park would impact my arrival via Amtrak to Tacoma that evening during Game 4.

 

Although the train was sufficiently late enough that the only problema was Tacoma Bureau Chief Mary Ellen trying to find parking at the station. Having to park some four-plus blocks away due to everyone taking the “Sounder” train to the Ballpark…

 

Not learning until the next day that the series was tied-up 2-2, Yikes! Before later that evening, learning that Game 5 was now tied 2-2 in the bottom of the eighth inning.

 

As we tuned-in at the perfect time, after I marveled over how old Rick Riz now sounded on the radio. Justin-time to hear Riz pull an Oldie but Goodie out of His vast repartee.

 

Exclaiming Get out the rye bread and  Mustard Grandma, it’s Grand Salami time! As Eugenio Suarez hit a Grand Slam to put the Mariners ahead 6-2, which would be the game’s final score. With Riz giving credit to the Grand Salami call being from Dave Niehaus, which He’d made famous.

 

Having heard Niehaus call it many times on the radio. most notably during the 1995 playoffs vs. those dreaded New York Yankees! Becoming Folklore in Seattle when Edgar Martinez hit that Grand Salami on October 27, 1995, also in the eighth inning…

 

Dave Niehaus calls Edgar Martinez’s Grand Slam in 1995 ALDS Game 4

 

Yet it wasn’t meant to be. As we tried tuning into Game 7, but the local radio had Steve “Holy Catfish” Raible calling the Seahawks instead. As the Mariners were pre-empted by the Hawks playing a Monday Night football game, Swell!

 

Checking the score, the Mariners were leading 3-1 in the top of the seventh inning in Toronto, so it was looking good. Before we discovered the next morning that the Blue Jays had scored three runs in the bottom of the seventh and prevailed 4-3 to face the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series, Sayonara!

 

Alas, although the Mariners advanced the furthest in team history. Playing in their first ALCS in 24 years. They’ve still never managed to play in the World Seirs, My Oh My!

 

Apologies to Warren Zevon, who’s probably rolling over now over my butchering of Werewolves in London! Or perhaps He’s simply Howling in despair, AhWhoo!