Houndin’ Dario

And talk ‘bout bein’ desperate… As I made a very rare mistake of setting the VCR’s timer for 5PM instead of 5AM and hence, missed the F1 Qualifying from Monza, Saturday morning… And thus found myself sittin’ in front ‘O le Telescreen, watching ‘dem “Good ‘Ol Boyz” in their Pickem-up Trucks at Gateway, IL. Although I enjoy the Trucks better then the CUP carz… And tunin’ in for the final 8 laps is the best way to go!

As once again I was struck by how gracious of a racing driver Mike Skinner is having pulled off a somewhat improvable victory when the first two Trucks done wrecked… As the “gunslinger” said during his winner’s interview, our pit stopss weren’t great, but I’m sure we’ll get better. See how easy that was Dario! As another driver didn’t throw his crew under the proverbial bus…

And although Dario’s comments were correct and possibly just spoken during the heat of the battle; I still believe you don’t thrash your crew when the bright lights are on… Kinda like pissin’ off the Offensive Line that keeps yuhs from getting’ blitzed, eh?

Sports Cars 'N Stuff

So I was a bit perplexed upon turning on the Telescreen to SPEED last Friday(?) and seeing the wet Montreal Grand Am race in progress… Huh? I thought some of those selected Dudes were busy doing tyre testing at the Speedway? So how’d they do that, eh? And you’ll wanna check out the great pictures that James of 16th and Georgetown has posted of the Daytona Prototypes pounding around IMS; click here.

Also an interesting story written by ICS stalwart Curt Cavin for Indy Star, Robin Miller’s Alma-matar: Grand-Am Drivers want to Race.

Hayden’s good news
After scoring his very first podium of the season at Indianapolis, after holding off a late charging Andrea Dovizioso, the Kentucky Kid, nee Nicky Hayden has been granted a one year contract extension with Ducatti and thus will partner “aussi” Casey Stoner once again in 2010 after reportedly being on the bubble, as the Italian company had been shopping Nicky’s ride to various MOTO GP competitors…

Stupid Pet tricks?
So why does that title make me think of Dan-Dan-Daniker… (Or is that the Danastar, Bill?) As it’s definitely NOT something I usually scribble about, but I suppose Y’all have heard ‘bout Roush-Fennway RASSCAR *Star” driver Carl Edwards having just broken his foot while playing Frisbee with a bunch ‘O friends… Which seems only a little less ridiculous then Jimmy Johnson’s golf Cart follies…

DP to RASSCARLAND?

So its funny how last night after having discussed the STUPIDITY over ALL of the Princess-mania over where Dan-dan-Daniker was possibly going with Danny B and WHO GAVE A RATS ARSE!?! (Or to be NON-PC; WHO GIVES A FUCK!) It was somewhat hilarious to come across Press Dawg’s Breaking News story alerting us to the fact that Danica Patrick is seemingly headed for a career in the Roundy-Round series beginning next year, albeit she’s Rally-Rally-Rally close to signing a new dealioe with Mikey Andretti to continue on with the vaunted IRL operation also in 2010…

GASP! BE STILL MY BEATIN’ HEART!!! SAY IT AIN’T SO? I mean what will I do without NO more Princess to kick around… Oh that’s right she’ll still be the Show Pony, Err crowd darling of IndyCar, which must be somewhat shaking in its boots about potentially losing one half of its marketing machine… I mean who’s gonna be your Daddy now? (Do You mean we might be forced to see more of Milkalicious and Sarah fisher on the Telescreen?)

So why do the names Jacues Villeneuve, Patrick Carpentier, Dario Franchitti and AJ Almendinger immediately come to mind? As at last count only ‘Juan of those four is still floundering ‘bout in CUP-LAND, albeit in somewhat second tier equipment, as Almendinger’s CV is far more impressive than Danica’s.

Yeah, Sam “I AM” Hornish, Jr. is steadily making progress, but after all, he’s a three time IRL Champion, while Robby “DIRTMANN” Gordoun & Gentleman John Andretti haven’t exactly lit up the Bomber landscape… But it will be fun to see Robby throwing his helmet at Danica after they’ve rubbed noses, Err fenders all race long, eh?

And I still contend that would Danica rather be a BIG FISH in a ‘lil pond (IndyCar) or a SMALL Fish in a BIG Pond? (RASSCAR)

As I asked Danny if he thought the secret was out about saving fuel at Motegi when running 5th with 17 laps to go or will Danicker repeat her most glorious victory once again at the Twin Rings ‘O Honda?

BUTT of course Danicka’s potential move has absolutely NOTHIN’ to do with Dinero… As after all, if the “Danistar” flames out in Stockcar Land she can always come back to the IRL… But then again the Smells like Teen Spirit Cup is the perfect place for Danica… I mean HELL! Just look how long Mikey Waltrip has paraded about the High banks over there…

Then again, what’ll happen when Princess has a hissy fit and tries doin’ her patented STOMP down Pit Lane to go tangle with ‘Lil Ironhead Junior??? Whale at least she’ll be able to share her toenail polish with Scott ‘NOSE Speed, who apparently is particularly fond of the shade lavender, but will she be able to share the spotlight with Schrub?

Uhm? I’ve gotta go take a shower… As I feel really DIRTY after all of this RASSCAR Daniker ranting!

The King sans Fenders?

Although I originally read about Richard Petty’s potentially entering a ride for Gentleman John Andretti in this years upcoming Indy 500 over at My Name is IRL... The news seemed too good to pass up after Marc of Full Throttle sent me an email informing me that The King was going Fenderless? (Hence the inspiration for the title above...) Although I swear I heard ‘Ol Gentleman John on the Speed Freaks after Day-toner claimin’ he’d enticed the owners of his Sun Shader Window Film sponsor to give Indy a try this year... So, perhaps it was a No Brainer if Andretti already had the sponsor in hand... And that’s a nice little pick-me-up for the D & R chaps after having been previously spurned by Milka, eh? So Gollee.... I’ll have-duh keep a sharp eye out for King Richard this May while inline for some of ‘dem world class Tenderloin sandwiches, eh?

Petty makes owner leap into Indy 500

So, now who will Milkalicious be driving for at Indy? Hmm? Perhaps Three Guys and a Milka at Dreyer & Reinbold Racing. (Conway, Danger Mouse and Gentleman John) Nah! Oh Mr. Buhl there’s a Roger Yasukawa on line three for yuhs. Not now! I'm busy doin' a TV show...

Thanxs Marc

New season, same show

Whale, its ‘dat time again... For what is being bombarded over the airwaves as the Great Norte Americano Race... And Uhm? Isn’t there also that Greatest Spectali back home in Indiana? Hmm? Two warring entities with the greatest race in duh nation... Go figure?

Yep, one of them I’m referring to is the URGH! RASSCAR Day-toner 848k... Err, the Daytona 500 which features about 848 commercials and perhaps should be renamed the 612k this year? As once again the race consisted of a Motley Crew ‘O competitors, as there was an entertaining mix of Open wheel Stars ‘N Road Race Ringers trying to make the field along with the usual suspects.

Of the two Formula 1 refugees, MAC Montoya fared far better then Scott “Whoopee!” Speed, as Monty started 8th while Scotty “the Goose” languished in 38th.

Out of the four IRL Starz’s; Tony “Smoke-em if uze Got-em” Stewart started P5, while Sam “I Think I Am” (A RASSCAR Driver?) Hornish Jr. found himself mired in 29th. But at least he was ahead of Robby “Dirtman” Gordoun, who runn his toy-yoter from 31st. Hey Robby, it’s a good thing there’s only four manufacturer’s in RASSCAR since you’ve tried all of ‘dem now... While I didn’t even know that “Gentleman John” (Andretti) had been released from his Roth Racing contract in order to roll off from P37...

Meanwhile AJ Allmendinger drove his way into the show with ostensive help from his teammates, lining up in 20th place, while Marcos “Croc” Ambrose piloted the #47 Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox Toyota, starting 23rd. Hmm? Just heard a comic brotherly duo refer to ‘Lil Debbie as the Retarded cousin of Sarah Lee when it comes to snack foods! And Marcose will enjoy usin’ up his free supply of Kingsford while puttin’ another Shrimp on the Barbie... while ‘dat Clorox should help-em get ‘dem barbeque sauce stains outta his uni, eh?

And let’s not forget our Pacific NW “Warshintonian Homeboy’s; as Casey No. 9 Kahne rolled off 15th in his BUTT-Wiper Dodge, while The Biffster, a.k.a Greg “Bow-wow Biffle started P35. But do NOT expect a race report from Mwah! After all I’m supposed to be an Open wheel pundit!

Quote of the Weekend!
“The “racing” itself is about as exciting as watching paint dry”
So here’s what I’m Thinking

(Glad I’m NOT the ONLY one who feels that way, eh?)


Daytona’s new kids
And you know you’re desperate for some Racin’ action when you elect to watch a Campin’ Wurld Pickem-up Truck race instead of some vintage Memorex taped Open Wheel Racing, a la Formula 1 or even GASP! A really old CCWS race...

Yet, for reasons unknown, I did indeed decide to watch what will always be the Craftsman Trucks series to Mwah Friday night. And fortunately I tuned-in late as there was a hideously long pre-race segment which I missed the bulk of! But I was unaware of some of this year’s Rookie crop which includes Ricky “the GOAT” Carmichael, J.R. Fitzpatrick and Taylor Malsam.

And I still like Willy T. Ribbs comment upon Carmichael’s knickname: The Greatest of All Time, (GOAT) as Willy retorted: NO you’re NOT son! That title’s already taken... It belongs to Muhammad Ali. Although Ricky does have 15 titles and 150 wins to his credit, but I’m sure James “Bubbah” Stewart is happy to have the spotlight to himself now in Supercross.

Fitzpatrick is an unknown “KUh-naid-iun,” who’s driving for TRG. Yep, that’s the same TRG *The Racers Group) who kicked ASS in this year’s Rolex 24 GT class, with a 1-2 sweep, as apparently team owner Kevin Buckler is feeling his Roundy-round oats with a Campin’ Wurld Pickem-up truck and Sprint Cup car, that Mike Wallace was unable to make the show in.

And Malsam is another homegrown product, as he tries to become Washington’s third active RASSCAR star, since Derrick Cope will always be stuck in my mind after his improvable victory when Dale “Ironhead” Earnheart Sr. hit a Seagull in the closing laps of the race while leading! Hence, I also don’t know much about this youngster either, other then he drove the Thunder “Hydro” Truck late last season and now drive’s for Randy Moss Motorsports.

And of course “Racin’ still is Rubbin!” As it took only five laps before somebody had smacked the wall and brought out the yellow flag... And then Carmichael got tangled up in DUH Big-Juan, as the whole rear half of his Khebbie got done torn off, as the SPEED talkin’ heads nailed it saying its still got two wheels...

Yet, most impressive was Fitzpatrick’s fourth place finish, as reportedly he’s the youngest ever winner of the Canadian CASCAR series, while Malsam finished a respectable 10th.

Now somebody stop me please!

The King is gone

After watching a ridiculously lob sided blowout on Sunday Night Football... I’m left with the song ‘N dance of one ‘Ol ex-NFL Quarterback and Monday Night Football colour commentator’s signature Tag line: “Turn out the lights, the parties’ over!”

Which unfortunately seems to be the exact same case for Petty Enterprises... As the Roundy-round’s longest CUP team has just pulled the plug on their floundering operation, after 60yrs of business. Having given pink slips to the remaining employees, as “The King,” Kyle & Co. have shut down operations at Petty Enterprises and apparently there will no longer be any #43 poundin’ the high banks ‘O Daytona come this February.

And the hits just keep on comin’...

Ganassi throws in the towel

Continuing with the bent fenders Tin Top theme, it was announced yesterday that “The Ceapster,” a.k.a. Chip Ganassi has formed an alliance with ‘lil Ironhead’s (Dale Earnhart Jr.) most favourite motherly figure, Teresa Earnhart to form a new four car NASCAR team for the 2009 season.

DEI’s current drivers Martin Truex Jr. (#1) and Eric Almirola (#8) will be joined by Ganassi’s Juan Pablo Montoya (#42) with the fourth driver of the #41 to be named later. (Perhaps AJ Almendinger?)

The new stock car entity will be known as Earnhart Ganassi Racing and most likely run Chevrolet’s, leaving only The Captain (Roger Penske) and Gillett Evernham Motorsportswith three car stables each of Dodge’s, along with the token effort by the Boston Ventures/Petty Enterprises backmarker team.

And with the mighty struggles the Big 3 are currently facing in Motown, I’m wondering when Penske Racing will jump to Toyota and the others to either Ford or Chevy when Dodge decides to pull the plug on its NASCAR effort...

Not so Bullish

Although this is a bit dated, I had to chuckle to myself over inadvertently stumbling over the news about Red Bull’s NASCAR driver Bryan Vicker’s Toyota Camry being discovered to be underneath the minimum weight limit and therefore ILLEGAL... OOPS!

Apparently, all of the Red Bull poured into the Camry’s roll bar leaked out... Naw, it was even better yet, as Deeter Majestic’s crew tried an ‘Ol Penske Trans Am trick... Yeah, that’s right! Roger Penske used to cheat back in ‘dem Good ‘Ol Dazes, when his Camaro Z-28’s entered in the SCCA Trans Am series for Mark Donohue were reported to be dipped in acid in order to reduce the Camaro’s weight. And the Penske crew even took it to such extremes that cars reportedly had vinyl roof tops added in order to hold the metal in place...

But, alas, the Red Bull crew was nailed in a random racecar test after the Martinsville event and failed the post race inspection, which will now probably cost Vickers his career best season results. But, what makes this even better is the fact that Red Bull dumped AJ Almendinger in favour of Scott “Lavender” Speed for underperforming this season... Hmm? Perhaps Almendinger was running an up to par Red Bull Toy-yoter?

Vickers fined, Hamlin suspended

Speed gets Cup ride

Well it appears that the RASSCAR Sprint Cup paddock will see not one, but two ex-Formula 1 participants moving into its big leagues next season, as Michael Waltrip Racing has hired Steve Hallam of McLaren F1 fame to direct its Engineering operations, while Red Bull has given AJ Almendinger his walking papers...

Thus, look for the Red Bull crew to be sporting a nice lavender hue... As Mr. Pedicure, a.k.a. Scott “Nose” Speed (Ok, I suppose he’s got some pace after all...) will replace Almendinger next year behind the wheel of the #84 Toyota Camry. But, will somebody please quit putting ‘dem whoopee cushions in his pants... And gee Wally? Are there any Indy Car teams looking for another temporarily out of work Californian?

Thunder Truck

Is it a bird, plane, boat or just another ‘Ol pickem-up racin’ truck? Nah, its Tuh-Duh! Thunder Truck! As usual, once again I’ve missed out on this Braking News... Especially since I’m NOT a regular viewer of ‘dem Craftsman Trucks... Which were set to swap a little paint at some ‘lil ‘Ol Short track known as “Thunder Valley,” a.k.a. Bristol Motor Speedway.

There on the ‘lil Bullring, Taylor Malsam of Bellevue, Washington was making his NCTS debut behind the wheel of the CHS Motorsports #41 wrapped in some very cool graphics commemorating the Hydroplane & Raceboat Museum, located in Kent, WA..

Hydroplane museum Thunder Truck

Oh what uh feeling

And although inquiring minds may have wanted to know where Dan Wheldon would land next year? The biggest story of the weekend was that once again a Toyota RASSCAR team had been caught CHEATING!

As in Y’all recall the mayhem surroundin’ Mikey “Aw Shucks” Waltrip’s problems of tryin’ to run some sorta gooey jet fuel additive at some ‘lil race called the Daytona 500, of which I scribbled ‘bout in Mikey’s Moonshine. And that was before Waltrip Junior fell asleep at the wheel of his Land Cruiser...

Now comes word, as I’m sure it’s all over le internets... Of how after Toyota’s N-Car Lite brigade was zapped for producing too much horsepower and runnin’ roughshod over the Nationwide Cup, that an additional restrictor plate was added to all Nationwide “Toy-yoter” competitors...

Well, after this Saturday’s Michigan N-Car Lite event, the Joe Gibbs Racing (JGR) third place No. 20 of Tony Stewart and protégé Joey Logano’s No. 18 seventh place racecar’s were found to have planted magnets to the backside of their loud pedals to prevent the post race chassis dynometer test from revealing their Toyota engine’s true horsepower numbers...

OOPS! That sounds like major egg on somme-juan’s face, eh? Look for RASSCAR to justifiably hand down some major Draconian penalties later this week... As Robin Miller said’ “C’mon Dave, CHEATIN’ in RASSCAR?”

Who’d uh Thunk-it, eh?

Montreal gets soaked

Splish Splash, I was taking a bath...
Oh Rubber Duckie, you’re the one...

As yes, I’ve still got the remnants ‘O JET RAG FEVER! Must have, if I felt like doin’ absolutely nuttin’ and watchin’ le N-Car Lite race from Up North, eh? This past Saturday, as I tuned in Just-in-Time to see the Nationwide Boyzs getting’ ready to make RASSCAR history by runnin’ in the rain... HMM? Let’s see, it’s raining in Montreal and Sunny in Seattle on Seafair weekend, what gives?

Although I missed the beginning of this exciting race, apparently pole sitter Scott “Scooter” Pruett was heard over his radio saying that conditions were RIDICULOUS!

Thus I found it pretty impressive that the top five as the N-Car Lite Boyzs got ready to rumble was an eclectic mix of Road Racing (Can you say permanent Road Courses?) talent, with Pruett on point, followed by Marcus “The Tasmanian Devil” Ambrose, “MAD MAX” (Massimiliano) Papis, “Pat the Carpenter” (Patrick Carpentier) and “Jackie V.” (Jacques Villeneuve) This didn’t include RASSCAR interlopers Carl “Flipper” Edwards and “The Bifster,” a.k.a. Gregg Biffle, while Ron Fellows, Boris Said and Ron Hornaday lurked nearby...

Ambrose immediately passed Pruett in the rain and promptly pulled away from the entire field, several times, as every time he built up a lead, it was cut short by a yellow flag. Yet Ambrose steadily pulled away from second placed Papis until Massimiliano wrecked. Then Ambrose’s day effectively went up in smoke when he was penalized for entering and exiting the pit lane too fast, which had a speed limit of 30mph, as the Aussie would finish third.

Pruett’s fading hopes were dashed during a 40 second pit stop to clean the fogging windshield and replace his missing windshield wiper blade, while Marty Reid lobbied for Carl Edwards squeegee-fest during one of the numerous caution periods to be on ESPN’s highlight of the night segment.

Meanwhile, Ron Fellows, one of three drivers to pit early and race on an alternate strategy found himself 43 seconds ahead of the field, before another yellow flag was unfurled, as Fellows had earlier gone head to head with native son JV and it was amazing to hear the rain soaked “Kuh-nucks” vocally go crazy the further Villeneuve worked his way towards the front, as Jacques suddenly found himself in second place before punting a fellow competitor during the yellow flag period when he simply couldn’t see the car ahead of him, which was followed by Joey Lagano incurring a similar fate before RASSCAR Red Flagged the race, prior to what would become the final results, with Fellows taking the victory ahead of Carpentier, although multiple drones of Canadians had exited in mass after Villeneuve wrecked his racecar.

So it was pretty funny hearin’ Fellows levy for car owner Dale Earnhart Jr. to leave his seat in the Nationwide car for this week’s upcoming event at Watkins Glen during his interview Sunday night on Wind Tunnel...

Patrick on pole

NO! Not that Patrick… The other Patrick, as in did Y’all notice that “Pat the Carpenter,” (Patrick Carpentier) of whom Eddie Carpentier (Vision Racing) is of no relation too… Captured his very first Sprint Cup pole position this weekend at Loudon, New Hampshire in only his 16th start, as *I BELIEVE!* that it’s the very first pole garnered by one of the Open Wheel warriors who’ve jumped ship to RASSCAR, as NOT even MAC Montoya has done that yet.

Way to go “Pat-reek!”

What Diversity program?

By now, you’ve probably heard about the “Mega” lawsuit against RASSCAR seeking monetary damages of $225 million dollars alleging the series of sexual harassment and racism… Of which on the surface of published media reports looks likely…

Yet, I do know when I smell a SKUNK! As in NASCAR’s top “Dawg” Brian France going into FULL “AH SHUCKS” DENIAL MODE… By claiming that the alleged victim, Mauricia Grant should have gone to Human Resources over her claims…

Of which I can tell you from personal experience are NOTHING more then Human shields for said Corporations and are just one notch below lawyers, Err Sheister’s as Marc fondly refers to them as... And certainly do NOT look out for the employees in their charge… Having been personally SCREWED OUT of my Career job in part by the fine HR folks of my past employer…

And while I’m aware that sexual and racial denigration is still a fact of life in many corporate environments… Calling an African American woman a “Nappy Headed Hoe,” Sheba and inquiring if her work out regimen includes carrying a flat screen TV on her back… Definitely does NOT excuse this type of behavior, which tends to make me believe that there’s probably something truthful to this lawsuit as she was the lone black female in her capacity at the time of these multiple incidents…

As her supervisors are indeed responsible for setting the correct tone of behavior in the work place, regardless the situation and simply telling her to “”Suck it up!,” since she’s working with a bunch ‘O ex military personnel in the South, simply just doesn’t cut mustard in my view…

SHAME ON YOU NASCAR!!!

NASCAR SUED

Local Boy Done Good Again!

So I know I should stay away from the “R-Word” as in RASSCAR… But I’m feeling compelled to write the following story for my 88 ½ year old “Auntie” Harriet who recently took a nasty fall that resulted in a cracked rib and very sore lower back, Aye Karumba!

You see, she’s probably one of Kasey Kenneth Kahne’s most vigilant supporters, as Kasey is a local boy from the town of “Een-um-Scratch” (Enumclaw, WA; Population: 11,010 ) and by-gum, they even have a “Big Time Mega” QFC grocery store there… Where we stopped for replenishment of supplies on our long meandering trip home from Eastern, Washington, as Auntie Harriet repeatedly asks; “You mean that little boy from Enumclaw WON Again? Those Big Boyzs really must NOT like him!”

Well actually there are two Homegrown Boyzs currently tearin’ up the Rextail Spirit Cup series (Smells like Teen Spirit, eh? Performed by none other than Kirk “shotgun” Cobain formerly of Aberdeen, WA) at the moment, the aforementioned Kasey Kahne and Gregory Jack Biffle, a.k.a. “The Biff,” (Vancouver, WA) but we’ll stick to the esteemed man of the moment, Casey DON’T SLOW ‘dat Dodge Down “No. 9” Kane… Although Mary Ellen says that “The Biffster” gets her vote in lieu of his outstanding charity work for Canine’s thru The Greg Biffle Foundation.

And having just read Kasey’s bio, it struck me that he was the second driver the Blue Oval let slip thru its cracks… As another notable youngster by the name of Jeffery “Pretty Boy” Gordon was also a member of the Ford Motor Company’s racing fraternity before his rise to Super-stardom. Interestingly this is just one of the many coincidences that Kasey shares with Gordon…

Kasey cut his motor racing teeth at the age of 17 when he began competing in Open Wheel Sprint Cars at Deming Speedway in the little town of Deming, WA, (Population: 210; 2000 Census) where from Deming, Kahne graduated to Skagit Speedway, where he won the Annual Jim Raper memorial Dirt Cup three times and currently holds the record for fastest lap.

In 2000, Kasey drove Midgets for Steve Lewis, who’d previously employed Sprint Cup drivers Jeff Gordon and Kenny Irwin Jr. where Kahne not only took Rookie of the Year honours, but also won the USAC National Midget Championship. Kasey continued in Midgets, along with racing in the World of Outlaws and Toyota Atlantics series before graduating to the Busch Cup where he drove 20 races for Robert Yates.

In 2003 Kahne switched to Akin Motorsports where he claimed his first career pole and victory in the Busch series and also made two starts in the Craftsman Truck series in a Dodge and was victorious in both attempts. At the end of 2003, “Awesome Bill from Dawsonville” (B. Elliot) made the announcement that he’d be seeking a limited CUP schedule in 2004 and Kasey was promptly snapped up by Ray Evernham for his Evernham Motorsports organization, which were campaigning Dodges. As Kasey was still under contract to Ford a lawsuit entailed, which eventually saw a cash donation made to the Blue Oval while Kahne went onto capture the ’04 Rookie of the Year title on the basis of his strong results which included a staggering five second place finishes and four poles. Ironically Evernham was the crew chief and guiding force that led the “Rainbow Warriors” who took Jeff Gordon to four Sprint Cup titles…

In 2005, Kasey scored his maiden CUP victory at Richmond, VA, before having his best Sprint Cup season to date, when in 2006 he scored an impressive six victories and beat out Tony Stewart for the final title chase position by a mere handful of points before winding up eighth overall. 2007 was a disappointing year after these lofty accomplishments, yet as we now know, Kasey rebounded nicely as he’s currently one of the hottest drivers in RASSCAR… When the fans voted him into this year’s All Star race, Kasey and his team didn’t let them down as he became the very first voted in driver to win the million dollar event, which guarantees the winner an automatic berth for the following 10yrs. Kasey then added his name to the record books 8 days later, when with two laps remaining “Smoke” (T. Stewart( cut a tire and Kahne swept by to win the Charlotte 600, becoming only the sixth driver to “Do the Double.” Continuing on his hot streak, Kasey secured his third career pole at Pocono before going onto win his ninth CUP event and has won three of the last four races… (Including the All Star event)

Kahne has also won seven Nationwide (Busch) series events to date and has formed Kasey Kahne Racing to field entries in the World of Outlaws, USAC Sprint Car and USAC Midgets series and is also actively involved in charitable work along with serving on the President’s Council, while in his spare time he pilots the #9 Budweiser Allstate Dodge racecar for Gillett Evernham Motorsports, which also fields CUP entries for Elliot Sadler and Patrick “Pat the Carpenter” Carpentier…

So, Auntie Harriet; “This Bud’s for you!”

Villeneuve to join All Stars

After apparently falling out of favour with Bill Davis Racing, upon his unsuccessful attempt to qualify for this year’s Daytona 500, Jacques Villeneuve has decided to focus on new horizons.

Having realigned himself with former racing boss Barry Green while having a fairly open dance card, Villeneuve has decided to throw his name into the hat of drivers for the newly created All Star V-8 Cup.

Perhaps’ you’ve not heard about this racing series? As the V-8 Cup is an hoped for expansion of RASSCAR style racin’ making its way into Europe and will feature such drivers as ex-formula 1 pilots Oliver Panis and Patrick Tambay who’ve also been off the market for awhile.

The series will utilize tube frame saloons powered by hurkin’ big block Chebbie 5800cc V-8 motors, pushing’ silhouette bodied Fords, Chevy’s and Dodges around the high banks of Rockingham, etc. Perhaps this is where those old, out of fashion Rextell Cup bombers will end up?

Although villeneuve originally considered joining his ‘Ol racin’ buddies in the similar Speedcar series, which he’ll use as a warm-up when he contests two races later this year, Villeneuve has ultimately decided that the competition is too fierce and hence, upon hearing that RASSCAR was moving across the pond, decided to run a Dodge bodied Challenger to spite former employer Bill Davis. Wonder if he’ll be runnin’ the Robby “Dirtman” Gordoun sanctioned nosepiece…

Dirt-Mann-Itus

NOPE, as far as I know, it’s NOT a form of the latest flu bug making the rounds near you… Just couldn’t resist a little frivolity at the expense of “Juan” RASSCAR pilot’s current plight

Yesterday I received the following story from Indiana Bureau Chief Danny B whom keeps threatening he’ll come out of his mid winter’s Blogger Hibernation and skeur us with some dazzling wit from his electronic writing utensil, fondly known to me as Ze Confuzer…

Any-hoo, the article in question was titled; A RASSCAR Career in Jeopardy to which I immediately made the ARSE-SUMPTION was somebody else, as my first guess was AJ “WALL-DINGER,” err Almendinger. To which I learned was in fact about Robby “Dirtman” Gourdoun…

And I know from past posts that Marc of Full Throttle will be MOST SADDENED by this tragic possibility, as I’m still scourin’ ze internets to find out if Gourdoun took up TMS’s Eddie “The GOOSE” Gossage on his $15k Helmet toss offer?

And I guess duh reason I thought it was Almendinger, was because I’d just read Jeff’s (My Name is IRL) story about how the current rookie crop of Indy Car stars gone South for the winter are teeterin’ on the edge of NOT making the vaunted bestest 35 RASSCAR pileto’s club and may have to start making ‘dem races the ‘Ol fashion way. Yep, uze guessed it, they’d actually have to qualify on their lap times instead of getting a free pass into the big dance.

And today’s the day that Dirtman’s “I know NOTHING… Err, NOTHING ‘Bout my Charger’s nose being outta wack… Honest Mr. Helton, Dodge sent me the WRONG nose… Please don’t make me pay $100,000 for me given my ‘Ol Ford Fusion a BAD nose job! Goes into the RASSCAR woodshed to see if he’ll be let off the hook for his infraction.

But hey, if Messer Gourdoun ‘s appeal is upheld, Robby’s threatening to take his Dodge’s away and come play in Tony’s sandbox, where we’d potentially have to watch him runnin' in the 500 this May, YIKES!!!

HMM? Wonder if Robby gourdoun Motorsports would pander the notion of preparing for a two car assault on the Speedway with MONSTER drinks cars for Robby 'N Paul “Chrome Horn” Tracy, eh?

MAC leads the way

By now you’re painfully aware of the impending influx of Open Wheel talent poised to flood the ranks of the 2008 RASSCAR Sprint Cup series.

Like many in the motorsports arena, I was simply flabbergasted when Juan Pablo Montoya dropped his bombshell, deciding to leave the glamorous life as a top notch Formula 1 star and switch to the “World ‘O Roundy-round for 2007!

Yet MAC has adapted quickly to the variety of the Cheepster’s machinery he’s been given the task of chauffeuring, as he began the 2007 season by winning the Rolex 24 on his first try. He followed this up by punting his teammate and fellow Rolex 24 co-pilot Scot “Juicy fruit” Pruett off track in Monterey, Mexico to score his first Busch Cup victory. Then Monty put on a drivin’ clinic at Sears Point Infineon Raceway to claim his very first Nextell Cup victory and has since collected a second consecutive Rolex timepiece with his good buddies Pruett and Franchitti.

Thus the floodgates were soon opened for the influx of Open wheel talent to migrate to the World Federation ‘O Rasslin,’ better known as Nextell Cup, err, Sprint Cup. As Champ Car rising star AJ Almendinger also made the jump to “Bombers” for the 2007 season with the enticement of “Deeter Majestic’s nine million offer to drive one of his Red Bull Toyota Camry’s.

Joining the parade next was ex-Formula 1 World Champion Jacques Villeneuve, who made his Cup debut at Talladega and is currently racing Craftsman Trucks also, as “Jack Vanilla” plans to run a full season in 2008 for Bill Davis Racing, also running Toy-yoter’s. (Now all he needs to do is find a sponsor)

Joining the party from Up North, Eh? Is former Open Wheel standout Patrick Carpentier, who ran selected Nextell Cup events last year and will run full time this season for Gilette-Evernham Racing.

Yet the biggest Open Wheel shoes flocking south (for the winter) are the past two year’s Indianapolis 500 and Indy Car champions, Dario Franchitti and Sam Hornish Jr. Franchitti will partner Montoya at Chip Ganassi, with Hornish driving a third Roger Penske entry. Thus, we’ll potentially see a total of four ex-Indy 500 champions contesting the high banks of Daytona this February.

Meanwhile American ex-Formula 1 pilot Scott Speed has landed in the ARCA series upon being released from Scuderia Toro Rosso last year in order to make room for the Hamburgular’s impending arrival. Speed will contest the entire 2008 ARCA/Re Max series with aspirations of graduating to RASSCAR’s top tier in the near future. Now all wee need is for the Princess and that blue suede shoe guy to join the fray…

Merger Fever

Otay, so I know I’m NOT supposed to be following RASSCAR!!! But hey, when you’re checking’ the media daily for stories to report about, or turning on the RASSCAR Shopin’ Network; nee, the SPEED channel, It’s just about impossible to escape the continuous hyping the virtues ‘O Nexxtell Cup. Or is it Sprint-Nextel, Singular/AT & T or Cyalus/Viagra Cup?

I mean HELL! There were even silly stories about the Hamburgular (Sebastian Bourdais) racing in France Cup last year, prior to his departure Across the Pond. Perhaps this is why I found it entertaining to read about the Merger fever that’s been sweeping the Roundy Round Nation. With Jack Roush starting the impetus towards mega deals, when the “Cat in the Hat” sold 50% of his racing empire to John Henry, with Henry forking out $62 million in order to get into the premiere North Americana racing league,

Interestingly Roush was rated as the most valued team at: $317m, while 2007 Rextel Cup champions Hendrix Motorsports were ranked No. 2 at: $297m according to USA Today, while its estimated that a single car entry into RASSCAR will set you back approximately $30-40 million!

Following John Henry’s lead, professional sports owner George Gillette decided to buy into Ray Evernham’s Dodge racing team, thus making way for fellow Canadian driver “Pat the Carpenter” (Carpentier) to get a full time Cup ride for 2008 alongside Casey Kahne and Elliot Sadler.

Then Newman Haas Lanigan Racing was all set to join the party with their proposed takeover, err, merger of Robert Yates Racing. But apparently the deal fell thru as Roush Fenway Racing has now gobbled up the beleaguered Yeats/Ford operation in order to beat them impending Rextell Cup rule allowing a team owner to only have four Sprint Cup teams. With Jack Roush currently the largest owner with five entities, look for Yates Racing to become their satellite organization with potentially three Cup entries being co-housed on the massive Roush Fenway grounds. Although after a surprise visit by the Sprint Cup goons, Roushie was given the all clear towards these two organizations being independent. Psst! Hey, buddy, wanna buy some waterfront property in Arizona?

And it looks like the Open Wheel Fav Five will have duh race dare way into the Day-toner 5000… Yikes! I must have finally caught the flu bug, as I’ve just realized that I’m blathering on ‘bout RASSCAR. SHEISA!!!

Hoorah

Well it’s all OVER! With today’s running of the Nextell Cup finale at Homestead, followed by the final broadcast of Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain… The 2007 racing season is officially over!

Thus we’ll have to wait until late January 2008 for the roar of V-8 engines with the Rolex 24 at Daytona hosting the kickoff classic of another season of motorsports…

Lugnuts

Yeah, I know it’s the wrong type of racing… (Racin’ is Rubbin’) Perhaps it’s the after effects of a Full Moon? But for some unknown reason I felt compelled to watch my very first Craftsman Truck race Friday night… Uhm? What’s that Warren Zevon song called? Oh Yeah, Werewolves in London!

It just feels like Teen Spirit, nope that’s not it! But where else can you hear the high pitched squeakiness of ‘ol “Moonshine Mikey!” Yet SPEED has done a particularly good job of hyping this championship as the points lead has flip-flopped five times now…

And how ‘bout dat JV, eh? I mean if you don’t succeed at first; Try-Try-Try again! As Jack Vanilla musta been hearin’ Number 9? Number 9? Number 9? In his head, as he hit the #09 truck NOT once, but twice… The second time causing a Red Flag to be thrown to perform makeshift repairs to the HOLE punched into the retaining wall by a hapless competitor.

And wonder why they call Phoenix a one-mile “Bull Ring?” Because the Trucks managed to set a record for cautions, with a total of 11 yellow flags & 2 red flags thrown.

And taking a page out of Formula 1 there was explicit, unhidden displays of Team Orders being used to try helping the two championship protagonists gain valuable points as their teammates drove as dutiful blocking backs, although “Juan ‘O” Mike skinner’s wingmen didn’t cooperate at the finish… And I’m pulling for Skinner to win the title since he’s driving a “Toy-yoter.”

Meanwhile Sam Hornish Jr., who’s on the cusp of becoming a full time RASSCAR Sprint Cup driver next season, must have been buoyed by the pending announcement. Having finally broken his qualifying jinx and making the cut for Sunday’s big hoedown. (Attempt #7)

Five out of six ex-Open Wheel warriors made the cut for this weekend’s shootout in the Desert. (SHUSHHH!!! Don’t let Sherriff Joe hear dem words shoot out! (With top Rookie of the Year candidate MAC Montoya leading the way in 14th. Monty was followed by:”Pat Carpenter” (Patrick Carpentier) and Jackie V (Jacques Villeneuve) in 24th and 27th place respectively. Sam “I AM” Hornish Jr. split the Canadian duo and will make his “Big Top” Roundy-round debut, rolling off in the 26th position.

Interestingly all three Open Wheelers made their way into the race with qualifying times, while once again AJ Almendinger DNQ’ed. But, Hey! Don’t worry; I’ll be watchin’ the Mexico City Champ Car race this Sunday instead!

Go Justin!

(Keep on Truckin’

Apparently everybody wants to race “Krapmann” Trucks these days… And why does that slick title make me think of that Super Duper Top 40 hit “Convoy?” Err good buddy; this here’s the Rubber duck-keep dat hammer down, 10-4?

In case you haven’t heard, joining the NCTS parade this weekend will be two, count ‘em; two “bonna-fied” Open Wheel Starzs… As JV the Crooner (Jacques Villeneuve) will now be accompanied on the high parts (banks) by Buddy “I used to be Indy” Lazier at the new Hollywood bowl… Better known as Los Wage$ Speedway…

Now all we need to do is get Wayne “Blue Suede Shues” Newton to sing the star spangali banner. Now I just wonder who’ll trip over who? Y’all know “Racin’ is Rubbin…”

Miserly Mac

Well I know that Danny B will be extremely happy, since he’s been telling me that one of the RASSCAR races he’s really been looking forward to was the Sears Point event. Being fairly confident the road courses would be MAC Montoya’s best opportunities for scoring his first Nextel Cup victory. (I don’t think he went too far out on a limb there, eh?)

And Monty didn’t start the weekend off real well, as he claimed that he simply “Choked!” In qualifying, winding up 32nd. Yet Juan Montoya (You know it’s hard for dem RASSCAR boys to say multi-syllable words!) put on one hell ‘O a driving clinic, as he late braked his way towards the front. Even doin a little “Racin is Rubbin” with the #48 car amongst others. Careful Son, that’s Ironhead Jr. you’re tryin to carve up… (Do Californian’s throw beer bottles on track if the #8 car get’s taken out?)

Yet MAC found himself sitting third in the waning stages of the race, prior to moving up to second during late race pit stops. Juan Pablo’s crew had been pleading with him to save fuel as their initial calculations showed him 3 laps short on petrol from reaching the checkers.

But Montoya seemed possessed in his desires to take the lead away from pole sitter Jamie McMurray, which he did with a clean pass thru the esses prior to McMurray’s tank running dry… Holy Dodge Chargers, Batman! Juan Pablo Montoya reached the checkered flag much to the chagrin of the entire RASSCAR field. Claiming his very first Nextel Cup victory…

Note to Robin Miller, MAC won in his 17th start which is an entire season in Formula 1. Yet I suspect that this will energize Monty to continue racing since he currently leads the Rookie of the Year standings...

Big MAC Attack

“Cheep” Ganassi’s drivers seemed to be the common theme of this past weekend’s Wind Tunnel on SPEED TV. As first up was an entertaining interview with Dan Wheldon. As part way thru the first segment Dave Despain broke out in laughter upon noticing the button “Spike” was wearing.

Is that your Chip Ganassi button or are you borrowing it from Robin Miller? Wheldon replied, I’m borrowing it from Mr. Miller. Although I must say Chip looks a lot younger on the button. I must have really caused him some stress…

And although I didn’t see the wreck live, I did find it quite bemusing to see how many people (both drivers and spectators) MAC Montoya managed to infuriate with his first lap “shahmozzle” during the RASSCAR “All $tar” race at Humpy Wheeler’s house.

This follows on the heels of listening to the in car radio exchange last week when his crew chief pleaded with Juan Pablo to pull over and let his teammate pass by. Montoya in his best Southern “drawl” repeated several times “HALL NO!”

MAC appears to have become Nextel Cup’s newest Charles Barkley… As in you either “Luv him or Hate ‘em.” And the majority of callers to Wind Tunnel seemed to “Hate ‘em.”

Yet I found the “Tunnel Head” who got the Last Call to be hilarious. He started off by asking Despain if he knew where he could get a Juan Pablo Montoya bobble head. Despain said NO, I don’t have “Juan” here, nor do I know where you can find one…

You seem to be in the minority of caller’s tonight, why do you want a Montoya bobble head? And the caller retorted. “Cause I want to SMASH IT with a cast iron skillet…”

”MAC” ‘N Cheese

Ok, so I know I should really stay away from stories like this, but I just couldn’t resist upon hearing the news about MAC Montoya’s latest escapades.

I find it hilarious that MAC got caught via in-car camera giving a fellow competitor the “BIRD” in a recent RASSCAR event… OOPS!

And not to be outdone was MAC’s new dancing partner Tony “FUCK the Interview” Stewart. Apparently “Smoke” thought he could skip “Dodge” after getting pipped by “Pretty Boy Floyd” (Jeff Gordon) for the victory in Phoenix.

And then shockingly Smoke told his Serious Satellite audience that he believed that Nextel Cup had indeed become RASSCAR “WWF RASSLIN” with all of its PHANTOM cautions to bunch the field back up prior to the checkered flag…

Both drivers were fined $10,000 and put on probation for the remainder of the year for their outbursts during the Phoenix race weekend. Perhaps it was the desert heat that got to them? Then again they’re both lucky they didn’t decide to tangle with Sherriff Joe of Maricopa County!

Ah Shucks “Oscifer” I didn’t mean it…

Mikey’s Half Gainer

”Oh What a Feeling!” Or perhaps that should be pass me the Goody’s Headache Powder instead?

Aw shucks… I just couldn’t resist passing up this story… Talk about your self inflicted wounds… Mikey “The Beaver” Waltrip has managed to add insult to injury after the much reported travails of NOT qualifying and getting caught with some “Slippery Liquids” under the hood…

As you may recall the much ballyhooed incident of the “Beav” CHEATING at Daytona this year which I wrote about in Mikey’s Moonshine. Now comes word that Mikey has further tarnished his reputation by rolling his Land Cruiser over the weekend near his house…

“Momma DON’T let your babies grow up to be RASSCAR Team Owners…”

MAC the Knife

Otay, so I wasn’t going to watch anymore of that “Roundy Round” CRAP… And technically speaking the Mexico City Busch Series race was on a permanent road circuit. Yet I admit it’s pretty funny watching them “Good ‘Ol boys” wrestle 3,400lb behemoths both right and left…

So for a little lunchtime entertainment I surfed around the dial until landing on ESPN2’s race coverage. This should be interesting with only 16 laps to go and a host of Road Course “Ringers” filling in for the associated RASSCAR teams, with such luminaries as Scott Pruett, Boris Said, Adrian Fernandez, Michele Jourdain Jr and Juan Pablo Montoya.

And MAC Montoya was on a mission… Coming from 19th to 4th in just a handful of laps. Then MAC made a brilliant pass on Nextel Cup regular Denny Hamlin before another caution flag flew…

On the restart, MAC snuck past Said for second place with 9 laps to go… And then MAC got GREEDY! MAC decided to PUNT race leader and fellow teammate Pruett out of the way…

Then coming back from commercial break number 459, Dr. Jerry Punch waxed eloquently about how MAC was the second coming of Open Wheel drivers by comparing him to legends including AJ Foyt, Mario Andretti, Al Unser Sr. and “Little Al.” YUCK!!! Vomit…. MAC ain’t NO legend (except in his mind, eh?) At this point I simply could NOT stomach watching the few remaining laps and went for a walk instead…

Vickers Victimized

See what happens when you stray into foreign territory? Although I did have the scuttlebutt correct over the Ray Evernham driver’s comments towards his speculated hanky-panky with Erin Krocker, unfortunately I named the wrong driver…

The disgruntled driver in question was Jeremy Mayfield, NOT Bryan Vickers. Vickers was driving for Hendrick Motorsports last season before jumping to Red Bull Toyota.

Perhaps I’d better stick to Open Wheel racing instead…

Mikey’s Moonshine

I’m not sure what’s worse… The fact that I actually bothered to search for news about “Little DW’s” funny smelling fluid’s or the fact that I’m writing once again about “RASSCAR.”

But you have to admit that it’s pretty damm funny how much media attention has been thrown on the 800lb Gorilla racing series over the rash of incidents involving various teams CHEATING…

And after 4 cars were caught during qualifying the past weekend, comes word now that Michael “Squeaky Clean” Waltrip has just been busted for using an ILLEGAL fuel additive in hopes of boosting performance. The unknown fluids were discovered when tech inspectors removed Walt rip’s intake manifold…

Waltrip claims he’s innocent yet has just incurred the rath of “RASSCAR: by earning the largest monetary fine in series history along with the second most point’s penalty…

And speaking of Toyota, both of the Team Red Bull cars didn’t make the “big show.” So AJ Almendinger and Brian Vickers aren’t off to the best of starts for the 2007 season.

And to think that Jack Roush was so afraid of Toyota outspending everybody in RASSCAR that he sold half of his team to the ownership of the Boston Red Sox (Fennway Sports Group) for 50 million dollars.

Makes you wonder what the Hierarchy in Tokyo is thinking right now about their RASSCAR and Formula 1 programs. (Since Williams seems to be outpacing the factory for the moment)

Meanwhile the leading candidate for Rookie of the yeark, “MAC” Montoya actually led his Twin 150 qualifying race briefly before wheel bearings burnt up and sent MAC hard into the wall, tearing off a front fender.

And I love it! Now comes word that Jeffery “Pretty Boy” Gordon’s car has just been found ILLEGAL after winning his Twin 150 race, which keeping in line with RASSCAR’s new bullish view on CHEATING should see “Pretty Boy” docked a ton of points along with the sixth crew chief being suspended… I guess “Racin Really is Rubbin!”

Makes you wonder if this has always been the state of RASSCAR or if the temptation to CHEAT has simply escalated due to the mountain ‘O “greenbacks” currently involved…