ALL WET?

Not to try and RAIN on Joey Chitwood’s parade of how Everything’s Better at the Speedway… With the redundant Attendance is UP rhetoric…

But is it just me who thinks we’re definitely in a recession, or have you noticed the apparent LACK of $ponsorship MISSING from the sidepods of several of this year’s aspiring IndyCars, as Graham Rahal, Sarah Fisher and John Andretti come to mind. Not to mention the Townsend Bell Olive Green machine…

Yet, out of this group, I really feel bad for Sarah Fisher who apparently may need a Collection Agency to get promised sponsors Gravity Entertainment and ResQ, to pony up the intended money they’ve promised her.

Don’t know if Sarah’s accepting donations, but her website address is: http://www.sarahfisher.com/faq/faq.html


Good Luck Sarah, hopefully we’ll see you tying Lyn St James record for most starts by a female at the Speedway this May!

Credentials

CREDENTIALS??? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ CREDENTIALS!!!

For obvious reasons this thought came to me while watching the Turkish GP Pre Race show, when the House of Winsor noted that the efferfesant Emperor Bernardo, nee FIA issues OVER 4,000 Press Credentials per event…

HMM? Hey Mr. Jeff Olson, what do uze think of ‘dem apples, eh? DON’T suppose those are BLOODY WANKERS just having fun or dare I say it? Knuckle bashin’ Butchers ‘O Wurds Bloggers, as it seems that the FIA isn’t too concerned over the number of media? Types obtaining precious F1 Press Credentials at the moment. Hope they aren’t making too much of a deafening racket wherever they show up at, eh?

Sniff Petrol

While crossing the border into the States from my recent journey to the Great White North, with the absence of US Border Agents whom were apparently once again on their lunch break? I had time to ponder the following thoughts, as our Greyhound bus driver so frustratingly noted… It’s NOT like they DON’T know we’re coming, since we arrive at the same time every day! But hey, we’ll come out and get you when we Damn well feel like it…

Thus I sat there staring at the NEVER ending convoy of diesel Semi-haulers streaming across the border as it was simply Wall to Wall Tractor Trailers at least two or three lanes wide… And to think we’re gonna Wien ourselves off of that NASTY black oily stuff, eh? Yet this black tar gold is apparently what the Turks are currently bombing the Kurds over… Not to mention that we’ve just recently passed the anniversary of the Armenian massacre that the Turkish Government refuses to recognize…

And while listening to the CBC News for any updates on Toronto’s favourite son Paul Tracy, I was immediately taken aback by the HIPPOCRACY SPEWING OUT OF our First Lady Laura “Pickles” Bush’s mouth… While apparently playing the “BLAME GAME” by pointing fingers at the Burma Junta over its apparent lack of action over the current natural disaster that has struck them… As all I could hear myself saying was; How’d that Hurricane Katrina work out?

After a ridiculously long wait I was awoken from these thoughts as our bus driver announced that we’d finally been granted permission to pull forwards and begin the ridiculous portion of our Border crossing adventure as everything needed to be removed from the bus, then please take your luggage inside to be X-Rayed while being interviewed by the Border agents…

And although I was the very last person in line, this is always a good thing as I breezed right thru while there appeared to be 4-6 other persons who’d failed to have their Visas/Paper work correctly filled out… As the man ahead of me was from Sweden and I just sat there thinking he must get a lot of jokes about playing basketball as he seemed even taller than Justin Wilson…

Having finally managed to get everybody processed and reboarded… We were only DETAINED One hour, SHEISA!

As the couple seated in front of me were from Heidelberg, Germany and were becoming concerned about what time they’d be getting into Seattle as they were trying to get to the airport in time to catch there flight back to Frankfurt and were apparently cutting it close. You see, in Germany there’s Trains running everywhere and they run on time…

They’d come to Canada to participate in some sort of running event, I believe it was a half marathon? Since the lady mentioned how you needed a time to qualify for New York since there’s so many people wanting to take part in that event, as she kibitzed with the retired school teacher lady who’d taken my seat…

I overheard that they had seven children ages 7-23 and had taken part in the running event just for fun, as I’m guessing the current exchange rate made it possible, eh? As I told them it would most likely take another hour by bus from the Bus terminal to the airport as we were surrounded by traffic everywhere the eye wandered... But hey, how ‘bout ‘dem Politicians who are currently promising to cure everything! All uze gotta do is vote for ‘dem, SHEISA!

PATRICK WIN FAILS SNIFF TEST

Ok, you did it. Despite what Richard Petty, Mario Andretti, and Danny Bridges all said would never happen, you proved us wrong. The "Little Photo Opp That Could" did it . A mere 17.9 seconds down with just five laps to go was not even a concern with that convoy of big time proven drivers heading in for some super corn juice leaving only the Dancing Queen to pass who was only 10 to 15 mph off the normal race pace himself. Your team is happy, your parents are happy, Jack Arute is happy and the IRL is elated even though nobody saw the race on television. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying you can not defeat Dixon, Wheldon, Kanaan, Castroneves, Rahal, Power, Servia, Fisher, and Duno in an on the track, no fuel issue type contest. But the results this last weekend did seem a bit odoriferous to some, but hey that was probably just a nearby landfill or some Motegi factory pumping pollution in to the air that people at the track were smelling. Who knows, maybe the combination of ethanol, hype, and sushi was what overtook some after the race. Now it is on to a whirlwind media tour that will no doubt lead to a sit down with Howard Dean of the DNC about being a VP candidate in November providing of course that Air Force One is made available to you to travel to and from all the IRL racing circuits each weekend. I will look forward to seeing you at Indy in a couple of weeks but I will not get the chance to say hello due to all the security and handlers that surround you every step of the way. But if the wind is just right maybe I will................UH forget it. Again, congrats and please do get me a coffee cup when you are on The View this week. Danny Bridges

Kingdom’s Damnation

As some of you will recall, I previously scribbled a story which included the tidbit about Davey Hamilton driving in this years upcoming Indy 500 in a third Marty Roth Racing entry.

I was” simply throwing this out there since I naively took my reputed source’s reply to my enquiry to be gospel… When asking; Who’s Davey Hamilton driving for? Upon having heard Hamilton mention his upcoming drive on Autosport Radio. Thus I ASS-SUMED that it must be old news if he was answering me about this, eh?

And all I can say is I got it from somebody in Indianapolis. (NOT Indiana Bureau Chief Danny B) Who’s obviously much closer to the Heartland of Motorsports than I. Thus, I can only speculate that this was either a bum steer given to a Blogger-head or the deal fell thru?

Thus I’m still in disbelief over the breaking news that Davey Hamilton will drive this May at the Speedway for Kingdom Racing, which Christopher “CHiPs” Estrada first broke the story on last week. As you’ll understandably deduce I’m a little gun-shy of any breaking news driver stories at the moment, having fallen foul to my previous story, although I still do NOT see any Official IMS entry listed for Kingdom Racing. (See; Marty Motegi for list of open Indy rides)

And I’m potentially going out on a limb here, but Mr. Estrada has thrown down the gauntlet so to speak, by asking you & me; What do you have to be Afraid of? (Besides the Boogie Monster, eh?) In his post: A small editorial on racing and religion

Perhaps I’m way off my rocker, (Shush Danny!) but I believe that just like Oil ‘N Water shouldn’t mix, neither should Church and State, nor Motorsports & Religion… Actually I have two major beefs with Motorsports at the moment, as I can hear Y’all saying ONLY Two?

Yet I firmly believe that first of all the Military should be FORBIDDEN from sponsoring racing teams, as I find this akin to Military recruiters frequenting Public Schools, predominantly High Schools, which should be verboten! And that’s without even going into the Tax Dollar$ at work sediments…

Secondly, I do NOT believe that any form of Religion should be allowed to own, operate or sponsor any Motor Racing teams, I mean by God! What in the HELL does this have to do with racing? Talk about the ultimate pitching of a product? While I realize previously Tobacco was a mainstay of motorsports and Alcohol is still quite prevalent, with such major sponsorship deals by Viagra, before taking its hard licks and dropping its sponsorship…

Yet, the thought of a Ministry motivated racing team such as Kingdom to me seems more then just a sponsorship endorsement and more a philosophy statement, of which we should not be forced to have thrown at us. I mean what’s next? I Believe license plates?

Thus in this newly Unified era of Open Wheel Racing, I’m finding it harder “N harder to (Rally behind the Troops) support various teams and drivers, of which I realize isn’t the drivers fault…

Yet, I have NO desire to root for Panther Racing’s Vitor Meira because of his affiliation with the National Guard, while I constantly wrestle with continuing to support my favourite ex-Champ Car, Err, Transition… Oh Crap that’s right, Indy Car World Series driver Justin Wilson who now drives for one of the largest Norte Americana Corporations… Yep, that’s right; I despise those BURNT Orange arches, a.k.a. Mac-Dougal’s.

Which brings me back to Davey Hamilton, who’s a really good guy and I wish him nothing but success, having previously intended to root for him this Month of May. But, now what do I do? As I simply cannot support Davey’s latest affiliation, yet is it Davey’s Vitor’s or Justin’s fault for doing deals to drive with such potentially provocative sponsors/teams? As I realize that they’re all racers just wishing to continue honing their craft in the profession they’ve chosen as careers.

And while I certainly would NOT wish injury to either driver, wouldn’t it be ironic if Paul “Chrome Horn” Tracy’s third Vision Racing entry sponsored by MONSTER Energy just so happened to land atop Davey Hamilton’s Kingdom Come race car at the Brickyard this May? Yeah, I know that supposedly Tracy’s lock on Monster sponsorship has theoretically faded… But I still think it would be funny!

Now, I’ve gotta run off to get my Happy Meal!

Beauty ‘N the Beast?

Don’t know if Y’all have heard the hubbub currently brewing over Jeff Olsen’s recent Speed TV article; Us vs. Them, where for reasons unknown he likened bloggers to a bunch ‘O Butcherer’s of the Journalism profession, as we simply pound away on the keyboards with our knuckles; NOT to be cornfuzed with Knuckel-drager’s, eh? (OOPS! Sorry ‘bout dat, “Juan ‘O” mezs knuckles musta gotten in ze’s way…)

Yet it surely must be somewhat of a big deal if three Top “Blogger’s” have written about it, as I first discovered the story at My Name is IRL and must say that I too feel a little bit taken back by the thoughts of somebody making such discouraging remarks…

Jeff Olsen:
“Add the growing number of untrained and unprofessional word butchers to the clutter, and objectivity goes the way of the front-engine roadster. Apparently this occupation is now open to anyone who can type with his or her knuckles, no education or experience required. No need for a degree or employment, just crown yourself a bloggist, start typing and apply for that credential. “

For those of us out there who tirelessly pound away on the keyboard, attempting to bring our thoughts & opinions into the Limelight that we dearly enjoy kibitzing about, this is a direct slap in the face… Although Olsen isn’t alone in his sediments towards us devoted Blogger’s, as I recall Robin Miller previously harping on Wind Tunnel about how in the Good ‘Ol Dazes you actually contacted people, check your sources twice before having the printing plates set-up vs. today’s environment where it’s ALL instant news as soon as anybody sneezes thanks to le internets…

Do we want Olsen’s job? HELL NO! Unless it includes all the free buffet’s “Juan” can dine at along with unlimited Tenderloin sandwiches and Creme sodas in the IMS Media Center... (Right Danny?)

But seriously, what I find most inspiring about the variety of GOOD Motorsports Blog’s out there is that they keep me up to date in a timely fashion, often before the “Big” Box” websites break the story. They offer raw opinions, not the fluffy Politically Correct jargon all of the Big Dawgs are forced to use and they ultimately offer insights and stories on subjects NOT being provided by the mainstream media.

And for me, Blog’s have an added bonus, if done right, they’re not overly graphic intensive and thus are straightforward to peruse and readable via my specialized software… As Y’all will recall that I’ve jumped on the Press Dawg bandwagon and voted SpeedTV.com the WURST Motorsports website currently on duh Wurld Wide Webb thingy…

As two more websites have joined the list of NON-Performers… (ITV-F1, TSN-Canada) As in they’ve GOOBERED their websites and now my Screen Reader cannot function upon them, but I digress…

(And rest assured Mr. Olsen, you’ve got little to worry ‘bout from the No. 1 scribe at No Fenders, as I very infrequently visit your employer’s site anymore!)

Dare I say it? Do RASSCAR “Hacks” have similar opinions towards fellow Bloggers as I’m quite certain there’s perhaps one-four of ‘dem out there on the Blogosphere… I mean HELL! Could there be something as too many writers scribbling ‘bout Open Wheel Racing, as we’re supposed to just let bygones be bygones… Sure am glad that the War ‘O Northern Agression still desn’t linger on anymore, eh?

Now, somebody pass me a Cheeseburger while I go dig-up some Johnson ‘N Johnson “Smiley Faces” band aids to put on my knuckel’s, ‘cause I’ve got blisters on my fingers from all of these hackneyed scribblin’ Anyone care for a hunk ‘O meat? Or as Mr. Olsen would say; “Where’s the Beef?”

And although I’d already been pondering dropping my RACER Magazine subscription… Which I tend to never read anymore, this seems like the perfect excuse to NOT re-up for any further subscriptions to this table pile making substance.

And it’s NOT just Blogger’s or Yak’s he’s attacking, as I believe one of the brightest Formula 1 pundits also doesn’t have a Journalism Degree? Perhaps you’ve heard of him? He sometimes goes by the handle Professor Matchett, as I seem to recall from reading the first book in his F1 Mechanic’s trilogy, that he simply bought “Juan ‘O’ ‘dem” EVIL confuzers, self taught himself how to use the blasted contraption and viola… Wrote his very first book… Prior to his employment and subsequent writing duties at SPEED.

So what dooze yuhzs thinks ‘bout ‘dem apples Messer Olsen? Psst… You’d better go check out the comments on the other Jeff’s story!

Crude joke

Although I try to hit the mute button as often as possible during the countless barrages of OVER-COMMERICALIZATION, nevertheless I did find it somewhat bemusing to notice last night while waiting “N waiting for Graham Rahal’s presence on the Telescreen… How the Automobile manufacturers have changed their advertising pitch… Playing up the virtues of how various models get the BEST gas mileage…

And ironically as I scribble this quick rant, the Radio DJ has just noted how there’s a current rash of complaints flooding local mechanics over their automobiles not running correctly, which surprise-surprise… Seems to have something to do with the lower grade octane that’s produced during the middle of the year, suggesting… Yep, you guessed it! Switching to a higher grade ‘O petrol! Of which we all know what that means, eh?

Thus, while this latest marketing blitz comes amid the continuing cycle of crude oil manipulation… I find it somewhat interesting that the Detroit News actually wrote a story about this latest phenomenon; Big Oil seems slick

Petrol Hi-Jinx

As I’ve just mentioned, I was quite shocked to learn that my Shuttle Van’s fare had been increased by another $8.00, due SOLELY to the price of petrol… As I’m sure that everybody is quite aware of the RIDICULOUS PRICE GOUGING currently transpiring at your local gasoline station…

In regards to this current manipulation of energy prices, I was privileged to overhear the two women in the van behind me chattering away nonstop; As one worked for Holland America and said the cruise liner had LOST $25 MILLION last year due to fuel prices, while the second woman said she’d just been to San Francisco to make everybody happy by raising her trucking company’s rate’s… Due to the petrol $PIKE! As her small company runs eight trucks daily on the west coast and their weekly diesel bill is $10,000.00! (Or at least that’s what it was three weeks ago…)

As you may be aware of? On April 1, 2008, the ULTIMATE APRIL FOOLS JOKE WAS PLAYED UPON THE AMERICAN PUBLIC… As five Oil Executive GOOBERS… You know part of Darth Cheney’s Energy Ta$k Force maniacally sat in front of our most impressive Congress and SHEEPISHLY Defended their rights ‘N needs to continue to overly DISGUSTING Energy Tax Credits they receive… Having just been indulged a WHOPPING $18+ BILLION SUBSIDY… As Y’all know how those BASTARDOES Have been raking in RECORD PROFITS with the cost of Oil having gone over $100 per barrel… F%%KING SHEISTERS!!!

Meanwhile as you, me and everyone at the bottom of the food chain is further squeezed by the price of EVERYTHING INCREASING (MINUS $ALARIES) The Independent Truckers were seeking some sort of fiscal relief from Curious George, a.k.a. “Raisin Brains; Chuckle Nuts or Half Man-Half Monkey!”

As I believe we’d seen a price difference of $3.16 per gallon of gasoline vs. $3.84 per gallon of diesel, which obviously is LESS than what today’s current rates are… As the Independent Truckers are supposedly going out of business at a rate of 2,500 per week as they simply cannot compete in today’s markets vs. the MEGA-Tropolis Trucking Companies…

And this doesn’t even go into the debate over how some of these MEGA-Companies operate… First by getting substantially larger fuel price discounts (40+ cents per gallon) by buying in large bulk quantities… Or the Minimal Training new trucking drivers receive… As one Independent Trucker claimed that he’d been approached by a “Rookie” driver who wanted to know how he backed his rig into loading docks. What, you mean you didn’t get any practice…

Or how apparently Swift Trucking, whose own training program churns drivers out as fast as possible and then hires them for a rate of $400 per week… Have been banned from driving a particular stretch of Highway from Missoula, Montana to Lewiston, Idaho because they were having one to two fatal accidents per week on said portion of roadway… Which has nothing to do with the trucks from South of the Border coming across State lines… Since their Trucking regulations are more laxed compared to ours…

Yet, I once read that the current household food supply travels a distance of 2,000 miles to reach our plates, which if true, paints a sorry picture upon our current DEPENDANCY on the Mother of all Evils, a.k.a. Black Tar… “Dares Oil in dem Hills!” Or are we running out of this beloved substance?

And just to complicate matters further… In case you’re getting all excited about Booby Ruble’s favorite sponsor, a.k.a. Ethanol… (I just love the smell of Methanol first thing in the morning!) Perhaps you’ve heard that this year’s planting of the yellow stuff will DECREASE… And thus with the higher demands put upon the current corn crop for the production of Ethanol, Animal Food stock and us Humans… Yep, you guessed it! The price of groceries will indeed continue to rise…

Maxxum-gate rolls on

“I’m MAD as HELL! And I’m KNOTS Gonna take itzs NO-More! Now get back here Mien Fraulein…”

And speaking of violating… Good on you mate… *Tony Cotman’s swipe at the Gerry & PT show) It’s not looking overly great for the Grand Pooh-Bah of the FIA, better known as presiding President MAD Max Mosley, a.k.a. Sir Maxxum…

Who’s just had his court action to bar Rhubarb Murdoch’s News ‘O the Wurld: DENIED… As the London court Judge said any further attempt to block showing the “Voluntarily Removed” grainy 16mm video of Sir Maxxum’s playing Alvedasei with der Snausage... Ja, bitz kin ze Barron’s Snausage? Ja Volt! Would be futile…

Meanwhile, just sent out to us aspiring motorsports hacks on official FIA stationary… HMM? Perhaps Sir Maxxum is trying to save his Deutschmarks for his defense fund? Comes word that there will be an extraordinary FIA General Assembly meeting held on June 3rd to admonish the Headmaster with a possible vote of No Confidence or better yet throw the MAD-Maxxum-Man UNDER the bus…

Better still, for all of those of you shedding a tear on your three ply charm in for Max Mosley, perhaps you’d wish to visit Full Throttle and toss a few greenbacks into the Bosley “Just for Men” Hindquarters hair transplant fund…

Oh, how the Ronster must just be reveling in Sir Maxxum’s predicament, eh?

Max exposure

While I suppose it’s NOT funny, for some strange reason I found Full Throttle’s; Springtime for Hitler post quite amusing over Sir Maxxum’s promiscuity…

Yet, obviously the Max Mosley sexcapade story isn’t diminishing as four of the major Automaker’s currently competing in Formula 1 have voiced their disapproval of Max Mosley’s behaviour, as first Mercedes Benz and BMW issued a joint statement admonishing the headmaster of their sport, publicly stating that his behaviour was disgraceful, while both Toyota and Honda quickly followed suit, with even sterner reprimands…

And this was before the ADAC; Germany’s motoring club strongly suggested Max seriously re-consider his position on the matter, as in perhaps you should step down from your post “Old Man.”

Although Jean Todt has been rumoured to be positioning himself for a run at MAD Max’s position in 2009, there’s now questions of how Todt’s friendship with Sir Maxxum will affect his candidacy? Although one would assume that with Todt’s longstanding relationship with ex-007 Bond girl-girlfriend Michele Woo, the Frenchman would be content…

And while very briefly in Washington DC, it was announced that New Your Governor Elliot Spitzer had decided to resign after being caught frolicking about with said women of the night… Although I was more impressed by his replacement; Lt. Governor David Paterson, who’s not only the first African American elevated to such a position, but the fact that he’s also the very first legally blind person to hold such a post!

Thus, I found it a bit surprising that the FOX owned SPEED Channel reporters seemed to shy away from the matter completely during Friday’s qualifying episode, especially after Bob Varsha revealed that the British tabloid; The News of the World, which had published the story with grainy video was also owned by SPEED’s parent company, F-O-X. Yet, at the 55 minutes to go mark the subject of Sir Maxxum was finally brought up when Peter Winsor asked the always insightful “Wee Scot,” better known as Sir Jackie (Stewart) for his thoughts on a subject he’d most likely not be asked about…

And I find it amazing how diplomatic Sir Jackie stays no matter how many times he’s been lambasted by MAD Max… Yet, never afraid to answer any question and just said it’s a very sad situation… Even if it is his private life and these allegations are found to be true, I think it’s sad an I think his position is untenable… Just look at what happened to the Governor of New York who decided his position was compromised, but I suppose it’s still early days yet?

Adding fuel to the fire was Sir Maxxums non-denial denial that he’d be staying in London this weekend to plan his upcoming holiday, Err, work on his legal defense when indeed the Crown Prince of Bahrain; Sheikh Salman Bin Hamad Al-Khalifa had forbidden him entrance into his Kingdom.

Meanwhile other various International motoring clubs are voicing there disapproval in various ways over Mosley’s tawdriness, with some already stating that they’ll vote against Max in the upcoming special FIA meeting. Thus, it seems more and more unlikely that Max Mosley can continue on as the FIA president and should indeed resign his post…

Miami vice

Well it’s time to begin the much ballyhooed 2008 Indy Car World Series racing season as there will actually be a “FULL” grid taking the green flag at Homestead with 24 of the 26 cars entered, competing underneath the lights.

And although I was gonna write a snappy story revolving around that much hyped 1980’s wunder-series Miami Vice, I just don’t think I can work it out… I mean Dan “SPIKE” Wheldon certainly fits the casting role for Don Johnson’s Sonny Crocket figure, but somehow I imagine Scott Dixon would be less than thrilled to be cast in Phillip Michael Thomas’s Tub’s character, while Tony George certainly isn’t tough enough to play Edward James Olmas Castillo bad boy captain role! Although the Princess and Milka would fit in nicely as the two females on the hit show, eh?

Meanwhile Press Dawg and My Name is IRL have been having great fun over the Newman Haas Lanigan car numbering choice of the half baked Oh-2 & Oh-6 that Buckshot Wilson and Darrell Rahhaul Junior are set to run this season in the Indee Racin' League… Thus, I just cannot resist piling on. As it now appears that the IRL’s new theme song this season will be a clever adaptation of Whalen Jenning’s Dukes ‘O Hazard song. You know the “Juan,” C’mon everyone, y’all sing along!


Dukes Of Hazard Theme Song
(Original lyrics by Whalen Jennings)
Just some good ol' boys (and girls) Never meanin' no harm, Beats all you've never saw, been in trouble with Tony George since the day they was born.Straight'nin' the curve, Flat'nin' the hills.Someday the moutain might get 'em,
(Princess don’t feel too good today!)But the long arms ‘O the Cheepster never will.Makin' their way, The only way they know how, That's just a little bit more than Brian Barnhart will allow,

Just those good ol' boys, Wouldn't change if they could, Fightin' Tony’s system like a true pair ‘O modern day Robin Hoods…
(Hmm? So which “Juan” is the boy Wanderer and who’s Batman?)


As I think Wheldon & Dixon are much more suited for the roles of Luke ‘N bo Duke, with Danny Boy playing the role ‘O Bo and Scotty playing Luke, while the Princess and Milka will have a good ‘ol Bitch Slap Cat Fight over who gets to play Daisy. I was gonna cast Ashley Judd in the role since she’s quite good at the requisite wet T-Shirt portion of the show, but I hear she’s busy getting her nails done with Jeffery “Pretty Boyzs” Gordon’s new wife…

Playing the villainous Boss Hawg is none other than Kevin Kalkhoven while Tony George seems adept at the Roscoe P. Coltrane role…

And to think it’s a Dawning of a new era in Open Wheel Racing, although I hear dat Tony George has been busy rehearsing his lines for his upcoming negotiation with Emperor Bernardo over the possible return of F1 to the Speedway as sources in Terra Haute claim that Tony’s been watchin’ a ton ‘O Rodney Dangerfield outtakes…

But seriously folks, on the subject of car numbers, I believe that the #12 is currently being used by Tomas Scheckter and thus NHL would need to ponder the use of #’s 16 and 22 which I believe are currently available? Nah, instead why don’t they go for the numbers 98 and 99? You know the ages of the team’s two elder statesmen.

I mean what’s next? The numbers 6.9 and 9.5? Or 007 and 009? NOPE! The latter two are already taken by the Aston Martin team in the Le Mans series. So, what do you think Newman Haas Lanigan’s two entries should be numbered?

I Am Clabber-gasted!
As for the accompanying video clip… Sorry, but I just had to do it! After seeing Hazard’s star John Schneider sing an excellent version of the hit song upon starting the frenzied bidding for one of the last remaining General Lee’s, which fetched a RIDICULOUS WINNING BID OF $200,000 at this year’s Barret Jackson…

I’d take this song ANY DAY OVER the current “I AM INDY!” Now let’s get ready to see the Princess and Milka try to out-do each other for best wall smack…

You make the call

While recently frolicking about the Lone Star state, the conversation drifted towards racing, which some people claim I have an obsession with…

As I casually mentioned that the two warring factions; CCWS vs. IRL had merged, Mary Ellen said; “So what do they call it now?"
“The names IRL and Indy Car are OBSOLETE!”

We need a NEW series name to commemorate the merging) It’s a TAKEOVER, NOT A MERGER) of these two noble leagues. After all what’s in the name Indy Car? That would be like calling Formula 1 “Lundy Car” (“Bernie Car?”) in deference to F1 Czar Emperor Bernardo’s home town. Or “Silvy Car” after England’s beloved home Grand Prix circuit, as Fortunately Championship Car/CART/Champ Car didn’t take the bait, as the series would have potentially been named “Porty Car” in deference to the very first AAA sanctioned Champ Car race being held in the Rose City (Portland, OR) in 1909.

Therefore, I put forth the notion that we should all put our thinking caps on and see if we can come up with an appropriate series moniker (Keep it clean fellahs, or the PCNA may drop by your residence with a bar ‘O soap) for the newly Unified racing series.

Anyone who is interested may submit as many names as desired by either leaving a comment or shooting an email to Tomaso at nofenders.f1@gmail.com

After a little time has gone by to let the pot boil, He’ll post a list of potential selections, which everybody could vote on their favourite selection and then Tomaso would happily forward the suggestion to the esteemed Mr. George…

I’m confident that we’ll ALL be very creative and get behind our new selection, as we are after all, the most important link-in-the-chain. (THE FANS!)

To get the ball rolling, I (Mary Ellen) submit my choice, which is; “unity Cars.” (After all, we are entering the Age of Aquarius and we are ALL supposed to get along!) It could also be called the “URL” for short. (Unity Racing League) So, c’mon Y’all and send those suggestions in…

Mary Ellen
Tacoma Bureau Chief


Editor’s note:
As you may already know, Tomaso’s suggestion is the Indy Car World Series, in the hopes the “Roadification” of Indy Cars will lead us back to those glory years ‘O yesterday when CART traveled the globe.

Meanwhile the tag line I AM INDY has already been put forward by former pitchman Gene Simonize, while the folks at 16th & Georgetown have been working overtime with the new punch line I Am Indy, One series, All the Stars along with the rebirth of Firestone Indy Lights, which previously was a CART feeder series, while the Indy Pro Series will thankfully be buried… Hey, perhaps “IOWR?” (Int’l Open Wheel Racers) Nah, it sounds like Tony OWES us something or that ‘lil city of squealing bacon ‘N corn. (Iowa) Geez, what’ll be next? Helmet tosses or Rock em Sock em wrasslin’ in full uniforms plus brain buckets firmly affixed?

And sorry folks, but the No Fenders piggy bank is currently broken after two weeks in Texas/Washington DC. Therefore I don’t have any prizes to dole out to the winners…

IT’S OFFICIAL! (WORST Websites contest continues)

HALLA-Frilling-LUIA!!! (Thanks Press Dawg)

As a legally blind hack that relies upon specialized software in order to create journalism masterpieces which thankfully you continue to read, I’ve been RELUCTANT To say anything too critical about the “”New ‘N Improved”” SPEED TV dot Com website…

As I wasn’t sure if it was just me or my screen reader affectionately nick-named “Lucy” having problems with the site?

C’mon Tomaso I dare you to try writing a story while I hold the pen for you! (Y’all remember Lucy’s antics in Peanuts, eh?)

But now it’s safe to throw another log onto the fire as Press Dog has BROKEN THE STORY BY posting; Speedtv.com Seeks to Take Up Mantel of "Least Usable" Web site

Previously Robin Miller commented on Wind Tunnel how he could remember back in the good ‘Ol dazes when reporters actually talked to their sources, pounded away on those ‘Ol blue Xerox Selectric’s for a while while waiting to hear back from some warm bodies to confirm what they were busily hacking away at before having the printing plates set-up. Now everybody just goes to the internets and shuh-zamm… Instant news…

Yet, since I’m residing on the Left coast, Far, Far, Far away from the Motorsports heartland, I depend upon Al Gore’s magnificent creation for the genesis of stories I see fit to scribble about. And unless Robin is willing to cough up his Rolodex to me, I suspect I’ll carry on this way.

Thus I depend upon SPEED’s website for relevant information. Well perhaps depend is the WRONG word as the new site makes me think of DUH-PENDZS!!! Noting to myself how SPEED has OUT FOXED itself by dubbing down the once semi user friendly website, all I can think of when going there is Jim Carey in DUMB ‘N DUMBER…

Thus, I cringed the very first time I was redirected to their new Rhubarb Murdocized “ROXx TV” infomercial style set-up, as the first thing I noticed was that PINKS and Unique Whipes selection tabs had replaced the Commentary and Programs selection bars. SHEISA! Where the HELL did Robin and David Phillips go? And what frillin’ time is the Formula 1 race going to be broadcasted at? Even worse, Lucy frequently CANNOT read the stories in the various “News” sections as they simply will NOT mesh with my screen reader. And WORST of all is the frillin’ video clips automatically playing while I futilely attempt to find the stop button… (As apparently I’m “Juan ‘O” the Lucky SOB’s whose confuzer will actually play the DAMN things! Yet, try having a screen reader running simultaneously while unwanted video clips are audibly playing and there’s NO FRILLIN’ Way to STOP them!!!)

As I fear the FOX 24/7 dribble of this overly graphic intensive website seems incompatible with my screen reader and I seriously DOUBT the site meets current Low Vision/Blindness web default standards for the running of such programs as Zoomtext and JAWS…

Hey SPEED! If I wanted to read RASSCAR Lite, I’d go to the appropriate website, so, Mr. Murdoch take back you’re FRILLING snazzy jazzed up website as you’re simply killing me, as I’m inclined less ‘N less to visit either the website or TV channel as they’re both made for a different demographic…

Finishing in the runner-up position for WORST websites for me to use on a daily basis is Autosport.com as the miniscule Bingo card racing category selections are extremely hard to read and select, while its even harder to select the individual stories for Lucy to read!

Taking the final step on the podium… Podium? We DON’T need NO Stinkin’ Podiums… Is the site that Tony George built… Err, Indy Car.com as it’s extremely annoying to try selecting on the rotating ferris wheel rotisserie selection tabs… But perhaps the site will become even more despised with upcoming merging of Champ Car assets, as the CCWS website was also a PAIN IN THE ARSE to navigate. Yet, contrary to popular belief, it was actually navigable once you scrolled down the first three quarter’s of a mile. But, I digress…

Pop goes IndyCar

Well last evening was very busy in terms of trying to keep up with all of the different interviews occurring in regards to Open Wheel Racing, as Indiana Bureau Chief Danny B noted; Do you think that Indy Car will make the top story on The Speed Report? Which of course it didn’t, instead preceded by some supercross event that was run Saturday night at the RCA Dome in the Hoosier state. And although the unification got the second story slot followed up by driver’s first thoughts and Homestead testing notes, we didn’t learn anything new.

Next up, was Wind Tunnel with an interview with Paul Tracy, of course once again OWR got the shaft as the flippin’ RASSCAR race went into extra innings in Los Wages, so Dave Despain got bumped a half hour…

Thus I tried to tune into Indy Racing Revolution’s main man Christopher “CHiP’s” Estrada (Betcha he’s never heard that one before, eh?) who was making his internets debut on Cleveland talk radio, but I couldn’t get the damn internet site to open, so I defaulted to my usual Sunday evening faire, a.k.a. Speedfreaks radio. And guess what? They had the big kahuna himself slated for a 15 minute (“TEASE”) interview, yeah Tony “Serta” George was on the program to reiterate his thoughts about successfully completing his takeover, err, merger and how he’s been sleeping like a baby ever since. Hmm? Wonder if Tony likes his side of the bed firm or soft? But, I digress…

The first subject that came up was Gerald “Take your League ‘N Shove IT!” Forsythe’s withdrawal from Indy Car racing, to which George was extremely diplomatic about, claiming Gerry’s not feeling well right now since he’s just broken his ankle and blah-blah-blah… In an attempt to get some sort of emotion outta Tony, who was extremely serious throughout the interview, Kenny Sergeant asked George if there was any truth to the rumour that Forsythe got his broken ankle from Paul Tracy driving him around in a golf cart. (No Comment) Kenny said; Geez Tony! Work with me here will yuh! Try to lighten up a little…

Then the “Stat man Caruthers” started the stupid questions. So, will any of the Champ Car teams making the switch run at Motegi? NO! ALL of the CCWS teams will race at Long Beach and ALL of the IRL teams will run at Motegi with equal IRL points being awarded at both venues and we just have to make the best of this difficult situation. Well I’ve heard there may be only ten cars showing up at Long Beach; couldn’t that affect the point’s standings? NO, I don’t think it’ll impact things too much over a 19 race season. Tony then said if my senses are correct___________ Pause, insert comment there… There should be 17 cars running at each event.

But they PISSED ME OFF! Speedfreaks went to commercial saying if you wanted to hear the MISSING “18 minutes” of the interview (22 minutes unedited) you should definitely go to their website and hear Tony George’s comments about AJ Foyt and Tracy possibly running for ‘Ol Super Tex. HUH? Don’t think it’s gonna happen… So, SCREW Speedfreaks, let’s go rewind the Memorex and see what Mr. Chrome Horn had to say on Messer Despain’s TV show…

It was a pretty straightforward and short interview, of Tracy saying he’d like to see if Forsythe can be swayed to change his mind as he and his team are like a bunch of caged mechanics starin’ at a piece of bloody meat… And it’s only been 48 hours since the news broke and things change about every five hours. But the interesting part was that Tracy stressed he was still under contract to Forsythe this year and will remain so and thus will be in a car at Long Beach at least. After that he doesn’t know what’ll happen…

Despain asked if he’d like to make a retort to Michael Andretti’s comments:

“Paul is great and all, but he doesn’t have any experience in these cars and he’s getting a little old, We’re looking at 19- and 20-year olds, and he’s almost 40.”

I hope somebody picks him up, because he’s always good for a story. He’s one of those guys you either love or hate, but he’s going to get the series out there. He gets press.”

Well, Michael came out of retirement to run at Indy and I think he’s about seven years older than me. I think I could do a pretty good job at Indy if given the right circumstances. You know I started dead last and wound up watching Helio “Twinkle Toes” Castroneves dance away with my 2002 Borg Warner trophy!

And the Indy Car wheels go round ‘N round

Hopefully I’m NOT taking the bait, but a few comments on the blogosphere have recently gotten my dander up, as some IRL pundits seem to be a little bit country, while us fellow Champ Car diehards may be a little bit Rock ‘N Roll, with some of ‘dem IRL dude’s just being plain wicked, as it did indeed PAIN me to consider the possibility of Paul Tracy driving for Vision Racing Christopher!

And although I’ve been a huge critic of Kevin “Smiley Face” Kalkhoven and am indeed glad to see him become the former owner of Champ Car, I’m not completely thrilled with the demise of this once wonderful racing series, which sadly has sunken into a watery grave alongside the Titanic? Yet, I’m not pleading for it to return, just that it be given its due, especially since I’m bummed out they’re won’t be a race at Portland this year.

And while I realize it’s like comparing apples to oranges, did anybody happen to notice that prior to the merger, err, takeover… That the Panoz chassis ran alongside the Dallara at Sebring and was faster, of course the DP01 has more horsepower and weighs less, so it should be faster, but my point is I’m getting really tired of hearing the barbs about Paul Tracy NEVER driving one of those CRAP WAGONS… Which I believe they were during their infancy! Recall that the IRL chassis didn’t begin life as Swans, but indeed ugly ducklings as they didn’t even sound like race cars way back when they ran Niss-son’s… And isn’t it funny that they’ve gone for the high air box look of Formula 1 chassis, eh? As you have to admit that the turbocharged Cosworth racers have a siren song sound all of their own…

In deference to Tony George pouring salt into the wounds of us Chump Carzs ‘Ol Timers, by hiring Paul “Chrome Horn” Tracy, which in some ways would be poetic justice… How about instead, Messer Kalkhoven turn the tide by bulking up KV Racing into a three car “Super Team,” a la Team Penske, Team KOOL Green and ultimately Andretti Green Racing. As I think it would be quite entertaining to see Tracy reunited with his San Jose sparrin’ partner Alex Tagliani! This would be even more ironic as TAG got the boot from Player’s Forsythe in order to make room for Paul Tracy alongside fellow Kanuck Patrick Carpentier.

Of course, we’ve all seemed to forget that Newman Haas Lanigan Racing attempted to wrestle Vitor Meiraaway from Panther Racing prior to the merger, so why couldn’t they field a third chassis for the “Thrill from West Hill,” since I believe one of the few teams Tracy hasn’t driven for is Chip Ganassi while previously having done stints with The Captain and Carl Haas. And while there still may be some horse trading going on between the Cheepster ‘N George over you take my driver and I’ll take your’s. (Alex Lloyd) Why couldn’t Luczo Dragon suddenly become a two car full season operation and a bonified satellite Penske team?

Then again why not Pacific Coast Motorsports, or does George have visions of running in Mexico, wishing to keep the seat open for David Martinez, as I guess the chances of an AJ Foyt souper-dooper racing team has fallen by the wayside with the rumoured hiring of mui pileto Poncho Vila, err Pablo Donoso. (According to My Name is IRL) As perhaps ‘Ol Super Tex decided to take up Tony on his free Dallara/Honda offer after all, eh? And is this in preparations for possible expansion in to Southern Americana?

Interestingly Milka Duno has transferred her Citgo sponsorship to D & R, while fellow female racing driver Ana Beatriz will race for Sam Schmidt in the Indy Pro Series this season with hopes of graduating to Indy Car, thus could Tony be making a run for the border?

And with all of this conjecture (Hot Air? (Could somebody please tell me why Newman Haas Lanigan isn’t transferring its Mic Dougal’s sponsorship to Graham Rahal’s Indy Car? As according to Justin Wilson’s website, he’ll be piloting the #02 Mickey D’s Dallara/Honda/Firestone for N/H/L this season in Indy Car. Yet, I really don’t want to see Justin Wilson pimping for the golden arches… I mean don’t they eat Fish ‘N Chips across the Pond?

Oh crap! There’s the doorbell, gotta run, I think it’s the UPS guy? You know what can brown do for you… As I’m expecting my race tickets for this year’s event at that ‘lil ol place Rusty built, you know in the land ‘O corn, err Iowa… Hmm? Corn, brown, running for the border: Oh never mind!

The Mario and Jimmy show

Is it live or Memorex? Can it really be almost “Juan” week ago that I watched the G-Man and Kevin K’s smiling mugs on Wind Tunnel…

And at least the Speedfreaks (radio) show seemed to get its patronage in the right order by having the elder statesman Mario Andretti precede Jimmy Vasser in their interviews regarding the just then announced Takeover, Err, Merger of Open Wheel Racing, as Mario had to play second fiddle to Jacques Villeneuve on the big windbag’s TV show.

The Speedfreaks interview was much more entertaining with Crash Gladys saying a cuss word in Italian which of course was bleeped, along with Mario being quite adamant about how this was indeed the right thing for Open Wheel Racing as he’d been trying to get the two parties together for several years, even receiving a quip from Kalkhoven about loosing some fingernails in Colorado on Wind Tunnel.

Yet Mario was quite bamboozled by the fact that Honda wouldn’t be willing to budge on its race date in order to have a single, unified grid participating at Long Beach. Just think of the positive publicity they’d garner. Yet, when told that ISC was unwilling to move its date the following weekend, Mario noted that you wouldn’t expect the France’s to do anything to help their competition…

And upon AJ Foyt’s being upset by Tony George giving “Hand-out’s” to the rival Champ Car teams, Mario was fairly diplomatic, saying he could understand ‘Ol Super Tex’s side of the argument for being a loyal IRL entrant, but in the long run AJ would ultimately prosper.

On the question of what Mario thought the series should look like, Mario said it needs to be distinct, different/unique, as CART was able to differentiate itself from Formula 1 and NASCAR by contesting all types of venues, i.e.; short ovals, super speedways, proper road courses and temporary street circuits.

When asked what would keep the newly aligned series from splitting once again in the future, Mario said; “It’ll NEVER happen in our lifetimes.” Look what happened when the auto manufacturers were threatening to break away from F1, all that Bernie Ecclestone had to say was look at American Open Wheel!

But I liked Jimmy Vasser’s view on AJ Foyt’s antic’s better; saying hasn’t Foyt gotten about 30 chassis from the IRL? You mean AJ wouldn’t take a free Dallara/Honda race car if Tony offered him one?

Thus, is it just me or isn’t it ironic that AJ Foyt IV has since been confirmed as the second driver at George’s Vision Racing alongside son in law Edward Carpenter. And I wonder if Tony’s dropping of Paul Tracy’s name when talking about next year’s centennial was a hoped for “Olive Branch” to Gerry Forsythe?

Florida breeze

So did everybody catch the official consolidation press conference today at Homestead, Florida? Wasn’t it great to see those two goofy bastardo’s shakin’ hands while all of the popperatzi’s flashbulbs flashed. And speaking ‘O flash, where’s Danica…

But seriously, when’s the last time that SPEED interrupted regular broadcasting to feature a live news conference about something pertaining to other than RASSCAR!

Did we learn anything from this Dog ‘N Pony show? NOT Really, although its now confirmed that Long Beach and Motegi will run on the same weekend, but what’s this silly quip about some of the IRL’s drivers showing up to race in Long Beach? Does Marty Roth have an early flight back upon his early race retirement?

Otherwise I don’t think we really got any solid answers, like; what will Kevin K’s and Gerald Forsythe’s rolls eventually be in the long term, or when do we quit having to see Kalkhoven’s smiley face persona on the TV! And just who does get the new Dallara’s and full lease Honda engine packages this May…

OOPS! Gotta run, it’s time for the Sarah Fisher announcement, which will be followed up by the Helio “Dancin’ Fool” & Princess gala with reportedly some on track festivities later this evening…

Princess gets her way

While I was eagerly awaiting the ensuing Cat Fight, Bitch Slap, Throw down between Champ Car’s Katherine Legge and the Princess, a.k.a Danica Patrick, sadly this will not occur.

For those of you unaware, unlike the Princess who has yet to win a single racing event (excluding go karts) Legge won three major races in her rookie North American season (2005) upon convincing CCWS’s boss Kevin Kalkhoven to give her a chance.

Debuting in the Toyota Atlantics championship, Legge recorded her maiden victory at Long Beach in her very first start! Katherine then went on to notch two more victories at Edmonton and San Jose, along with five podiums enroute to finishing third overall that season, prior to testing for Rocketsports and PKV Racing before the announcement was made that Legge would graduate to the Champ Car World Series with PKV Racing in 2006. After a tough rookie campaign with her ex-boss Kalkhoven, Legge was demoted to the continuously underfinanced Dale Coyne Racing operation for the 2007 season.

Prior to racing in the Atlantics, Legge became the first woman to score a pole in British Formula Ford racing (2000) before besting the lap record of a young Finnish driver named Raikkonen in 2001. Katherine is one of the few females to have sampled the ultimate rocket ship, better known as Formula 1, when she tested for Minardi in 2005. being the first female to do so since Sarah Fisher’s outing for McLaren, promoting the USGP in 2002. Legge was also the first female to give an A1 GP chassis a workout, which she did under the auspices of Team Britain/GBR.

Yet, with the continuous uncertainty that swirled over Champ Car this season, as apparently Kalkhoven wasn’t returning her telephone calls, Legge has signed a deal to contest DTM for Audi behind the wheel of an two year old Tin Top. I’m sure this news comes as a great relief to Tony George, who enjoys having the Princess as the IRL’s media darling, while Danica will have one less worry to think about between swimsuit shoots. Meanwhile, somebody better tell Ralfanso to keep a sharp eye in his rear view mirror!

Dinner at Bernie’s

Apparently crack Motorsports reporter Derrick Daly was dining at the Eagle's Nest, a restaurant atop the Downtown Hyatt Regency. (Where only the Eagles soar, Err, apparently they’ll let anybody dine there, eh?) Last evening and was seated next to one of the hottest couples currently in Indianapolis. Thus, Daly recanted the story later that evening on the local KTEL affiliate’s 11PM newscast. Yes, that’s right Jerry, I was seated right next to the couple. Can you tell us what they had for dinner Derrick?

Well for starters, they both had the Genilozzi chowder, while it looked like Tony had Netherlands crab cakes bis with a Zolder fondue, while Kevin had Long Beach jubilee.

Then for the first course Tony had the stuffed Toronto pheasant, while Kevin had leg ‘O Petitt, or was that the Tokyo sushi as apparently he couldn’t make up his mind.

For the main course Kevin ordered the Fillet Motegi, with the steamed CCWS asparagus smothered in a rich Road America cheese sauce. Tony had the Brickyard special, with the 33 prawns, Champ Car tar tar (well done) and a tossed Panoz salad with the Newman’s finest on top of it.

And did they have anything to drink with their meal Derrick? Yes, the maitre d recommended them a Chateau Portland Rose Cup sauvignon, of which I believe Kevin selected a bottle circa 1993.

What were the two men talking about Derrick? Well Jerry they kept their backs turned to me, but I think it was something to do with motor racing…

And for desert Derrick? Kevin had the cooked Spanish ice cream a la mode, while Tony had the Cosworth Flambahe… And who picked up the check? Well that was the interesting part Jerry, Kevin wanted Tony to pick up the tab and Tony wanted to go Dutch. So the waiter just left two checks with some Mexico City jumping bean candy on top…

Roundy-round’s back

And so are we… As there’s nothing like the mysteries of ze internets to drive a person nutty when it decides not to cooperate! Thus, hopefully we’ll be able to resume our normal programming here at No Fenders…

As Holy Sprint Cup, Batman! There’s ONLY 427hrs ‘O RASSCAR left to go… Although I do look forward to the beginning of each New Years “Speed Weeks” at Daytona, since it signifies that motor racing has once again gotten underway with the season opening Rolex 24. And the running of the Daytona 500 signifies the return of Wind Tunnel with Dave Despain…

But I’m NOT sure how much of Duh RASSCAR Shoppin’ Networks blather I can tolerate over the Daytona 5000!

Geez, all of this Roundy-round speak made mezs thirsty on Valentines Day, so I slipped out and ventured off to the local 7/11 to grab a Big Gulp, Err,
Gatorade, while waiting for the damn internets to start cooperating. (Gots-duh support ‘dem $ponsors, eh?) Hey, isn’t that the Princess posing for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

Err, I’d better hightail it back in order to turn on the telie and catch the remainder of those Monster Ball Park Franks (“they plump when uze cooks dem’”) Slim Jim Twin 427’s.

I mean c’mon, y’all must have been watchin them Twin Monster Energy/Coca Cola/Mountain Dew/BUTTWEIPER Qualifiers with your sweetheart, eh? And only in America can a top news headline proclaim that Dominoes will deliver 1.2 million cheese pizzas during the STUPOR Bowl, while Poppa John’s expected to sell 750,000 of it’s shake ‘N bake ovals…

And can you believe it? Wasn’t ‘dat nice of SPEED to replay those dueling gator-aides last night during supper time… Oh crap, there’s the doorbell, must be the Dominoes delivery specialist. But Honey, I got us pizza for dinner…

Orient express

Hello Mr. George,
How would you like your tea?

One lump or two?

Nothing new to report on
The state of Open Wheel racing,
SSSHHSHHHHHH!!!!!
Be Berry, Berry, Quiet!
We’re tryin’ to sign some contracts here…
SHEISA!!! I forgot to bring my pen with me

Excuse me, Mr. George,
There’s a Mr. Kevin Kalkhoven
On line three, he says it’s urgent,
He cannot find his copy of the memo…

And there’s a Mr. Carl Haas and Derrick Walker
Who would like to talk to you on the speaker phone
And we’ve scheduled your massage for 5PM
Will that be alright with you?
Mr. George…

Sayonara…

Mellow Yellow

While the eyes of Texas (amongst others) are focused upon some ‘lil ol frilling' RASSCAR barbeque going' on down in Florida, I just had to watch The SPEED Report to see if there had been any further leaks to the media on the Indiana big shots business trip to the Orient…

And wallah, there was the ‘ol leak master himself… Hey Robin,
What are you doin?' Leaking that story about Tony & Co. possibly getting together, aren’t you aware of the firestorm you’ve created?

But hey, isn’t that your job as a reporter?

And apparently Nicole Manske must have been wandering’ the motor coach parking lots, as she and her sidekick had the night off… Or did they jump ship to a bigger network?

So, I'm glad that Bob Varsha brought up the matter during his interview with Robin, who noted that if the deal falls thru, it could still very well be over if Carl Haas and Derrick Walker decided to jump ship? Miller noted that Walker already has an IRL chassis in his shop and that Champ Car owes him about $1.5 million as they haven’t paid anybody their prize money from last season…

And that was pretty amazing that Robin 'N Open Wheel got to be the second story behind RASSCAR for a whole four minutes. Speaking’ about Kevin “What Memo” Kalkhoven, I enjoyed Robin’s comments on the nature of his being all over the map on the subject, claiming that it was one of his own owners who leaked the previous merger talks to Autoweek. Kevin’s just confused…

Next, I decided to listen to Speed Freaks to see if they’d have anything to say about the current status of Open Wheels possible consolidation…

So, prior to introducing Booby Ruble, Kenny Sergeant went on a rant ‘bout Little E having the worst uniform ever, saying it has Grandpa pockets and is looser fitting than ‘ol Jack Vanilla’s leisure suits…
Let’s welcome CART Champion, Indy 500 Champion, etc Bobby Rahal… Bobby did you ever have any ugly uniforms? Well I don’t know if it was ugly? But back in 1989 when I drove for Kraco, my uniform had a lot of yellow win it. In fact it had so much yellow that Arie Luyendyk constantly called me Big Bird!

And Crash Gladys said, I’ve got to ask you about the status of Open Wheel or I’ll get deluged with emails… So, do you know anything we don’t? NO, I just read what gets reported; I read SPEED and the SPEED TV Forums… Robin Miller probably knows the most about what’s going on…

Of course, I think we’ve been down this road about 15 times in the last 15 years, so, hopefully this will be the last year we have to worry about this.

Later in the program, Gladys talked with Indy Star’s Kurt Cabin to see what the latest was? Kurt said he felt like it was a bit of a ping pong match trying to get information… Hoping he’d be the first to break the story. I spoke to Brian Barnhart about 4hrs ago and he was just finishing breakfast before going to the meeting. Hopefully they’ll answer their phones and have something to tell us. But hey, a merged single Open Wheel schedule would be a good thing, of course there’d be some contracts to settle, but Tony’s got a checkbook and it would be a lot cheaper to go to Kansas over going to Europe…

Pistle-laroes

(I’ve got dibs on the bathroom… I don’t feel so good!)

Honey I shrunk the kids… Have you seen my car keys? I’m gonna be late for my meeting with Tony George, he wants to talk (again) about us combining forces with him to save his family jewels, you know that ‘lil sandbox of his over on 16th & Georgetown… Yeah, that’s right, the Brickyard. Well, we’ll see what happens…

Perhaps you’re aware of the latest buzz surrounding the possible ending of the war of Northern Aggression, as Robin Miller has published the story claiming possible unity between ‘lil Napoleon and The Four Moosketeers…

As it happens to be all over the blogosphere as well as the various media outlets that cover such things, although I particularly enjoyed a certain Doubting Thomas’s jaundiced view towards this latest headline… Claiming it was Open Wheel merger number 4,764!!! (And how us CART, err, nee Champ Car tifosi are always good for a laugh after you’ve had a bad day at the office)

Meanwhile, as Tony, Terry Angstadt and Brian Barnhart are winging their way towards Tokyo, chaperoned by Robert Clarke to visit Honda’s corporate boardrooms, Kevin Kalkhoven is going to the loo once again, claiming he still hasn’t gotten the memo…


And seeing that this is the world of Open Wheel racing
And once was the top echelon of motorsports
Here in the land of the free and home of the brave
Well, in all of the excitement
I’ve lost track of how many mergers have been proposed
As you’ve gotta ask yourself
Did I really offer to fix the mess I made 13+ years ago
Well, did I?


Yet, for Open Wheel’s sake, I hope this latest attempt actually happens, as it’s splashed all about the media, including international sites… Which means our paltry (if ANY?) credibility will be even further lambasted if the deal falls thru.

Otay, now Gerry and Kevin, you can each have a chocolate if you let Tony play first with his toys in the sandbox. And don’t worry Paul & Dan; you’ll get a turn after Kevin & Gerry finish playing. But first, everybody take off your shoes and go wash your hands and then come into the living room for some sushi.

Meanwhile, I’ve gotta go kick the dog after writing some more snarky comments about those Oval track single sweater do-gooders, as I think I can hear the sycamore crashing down…

FOUR!!! Quick, has somebody seen my lawn darts? You know that close is only good in horseshoes and hand grenades. Now somebody toss me a biscuit, err, pass me the Saki!

And will somebody please get Kevin some Kleenex so he can blow his nose. Wonder if Tony’s taking any jerky with him for his long flight across the Pacific, eh?

STUPID Spaniards!

Although I had been trying to refrain from commenting upon this UGLY story, it seems to be all over the place and it’s quite disturbing to think we haven’t progressed any further then having some people resort to such denigrating acts of civility…

Source: Grand Prix.com

FEBRUARY 6, 2008
The question of racism

Racism is an ugly thing and the fact that a number of Spanish fans felt the need to be offensive to Lewis Hamilton during the recent test is not something that can be considered acceptable in the sport. Chanting racial abuse is not great advert for Spain and the perpetrators need to be made to understand that. But how does one handle such a situation? Does one blame the circuit for not apprehending those involved and banning them forever from the track? Does one blame the country from which the perpetrators came? Or does one just ignore these stupid bigots and get on with what is important?
The very first clause in the FIA statutes makes it clear that FIA member clubs shall "refrain from manifesting racial, political or religious discrimination". But are clubs accountable for the behaviour of a few ignorant fans? It is hard to see how they can be held responsible, but at the same time one cannot simply ignore such things and hope that they will go away. Perhaps the best response would be for the FIA to make it very clear to the clubs in Spain and to the public in general that any such deomnstrations in the future will result in action. That will guarantee that anyone thinking of such stupidity will think twice before opening their mouths again for fear that they will not only incite the wrath of fellow Spaniards but also the authorities. They need to understand that by resorting to such abuse they are not great Spaniards but rather traitors to their country.

Champ Car returns to Portland

While it’s old news that Champ Car has indeed retained the Portland race venue for its 2008 season, what I failed to mention was that it seemed that the race was kept for a few reasons. First being the 25th Anniversary for Champ Car competition at the race track and secondly for the fact that 2009 will be the 100th Anniversary of the very first Champ Car race. Actually the race was part of the forbearer to what would ultimately become Champ Car. (For 2008 at least)

In 1909 -- in Portland -- Howard Covey drove a Cadillac to victory in the first race of what was then called the U.S. National Championship Series, a forebear of the United States Auto Club series and later Champ Car.

And perhaps you’ve read the tantalizing report penned by Robin Miller claiming that Indy Car’s ‘lil Napoleon, err Tony George made a offer to unify the two warring entities for 2008 prior to this past Christmas, of which was turned down by Champ Car management. As the story was further expounded upon by the Indy Star’s Kurt Cabin.

Hmm? Perhaps this is why I haven’t gotten my yearly ticket renewal for Portland which is always due before Christmas, eh?

While the (token) offer seemed reasonable for once, sadly it appeard that the Pacific Northwest would loose their sole remaining event, while Portland International Raceway would loose their final remaining marquee event.

And call me nostalgic; or Ray, Jay, Dan, Stan, but NOT Tony as I don’t mean to be coy Roy, ‘cause yuhz just gott’s tuh listen to me…but I think it would be a travesty for Open Wheel racing to not commemorate this historic milestone in favour of a pro-Indy Car biased schedule, nee Ovals, as we’ve already got way too DAMN many ‘O Dose… In something known as Roundy-round!

While I agree that unification is needed immediately, it surely will be a Takeover, NOT a Merger for all practical reasons and I shudder at the thought that the closest Open Wheel race available will be the Sears Point event. Yeah, I know its Infineon Raceway, but it will always be Sears Point to me!

The Perfect Season

By now you’re painfully aware of the fact that the New England Patriots have made history by being only the second team ever to complete a perfect regular season in Football. Joining the 1972 Miami Dolphins (14-0) along with eclipsing the 1985 Chicago Bears. (15-1)

The Patriots will now set about making further history in the NFL by attempting to sweep the tables on an unprecedented run to 19-0, when they encounter the New York Giants in Super Bowl 42 in Glendale, Arizona, to which many pundits say is merely a formality as the Patriots expect to win their fourth Super Bowl in seven years…

Yet, this most impressive feat has never been accomplished in motor racing to date, although a few driver/team combinations have flirted with the notion over the years.

Many of you will most likely recall that McLaren came Oh-So ever close in 1988, when bosom buddies Alain Prost and Ayrton Senna won 15 of that year’s 16 events aboard the all mighty McLaren MP/4-4 Honda, in what was the swan song season of the 1.5 liter turbocharged era.

Yet as fate would have it, while convincingly leading the race at Monza, Ayrton Senna came upon the back marker Jean Louis Schlesser, whom was filling in for the injured Nigel Mansell in an underpowered Williams/Judd. Yet ‘Ol Arrogant was just itching to get past the Frenchman and must have been dumbstruck when the two of them tangled while colliding in the first chicane. And less you think Schlesser was a wanker, as he’d shared the 1979 French Formula 3 Championship with fellow countryman Alain Prost.

Of course this sent the Tiafosi wild, as Gerhard Berger would lead Michele Alboreto in an unexpected Ferrari 1-2 sweep just weeks after Il Commendatore (Enzo Ferrari) had passed away.

In 1992, the Williams F1 team had rebounded with the help of the mighty Renault V-10, as BLOODY NIGE (Nigel Mansell) simply dominated the season, starting off with five consecutive victories on his way to a tally of 12 and his long awaited World Championship.

Having left Formula 1 in favour of CART after Sir Frank was unwilling to break his piggy bank to meet Il Lione’s demands; Mansell won the Championship in his rookie season for Newman/Haas in 1993.

Yet the following year, Team Penske Marlboro audaciously stamped its mark of dominance upon the entire CART community while running a three car operation for Al Unser Jr., Emerson Fittipaldi and Paul Tracy. These three bandito’s swept the table for “The Captain,” finishing 1-2-3 in the season standings. Not only did ‘lil Al win that years Vanderbilt Cup, he also won his second Indianapolis 500 with the mighty Mercedes Benz “Stock Block,” as Roger’s boys won 12 of that year’s 16 events.

And not to be outdone by BLOODY NIGE, Michael Schumacher simply obliterated the field during the 2004 Formula 1 season, enroute to his record seventh World Championship. That year Herr Schumacher simply ran the tables, winning 13 races, while leaving everybody in his wake.

So, hopefully history will NOT be made this weekend, as I’d find it most satisfying to see the New York Giants BEAT the FRILLING Patriots…

GO GIANTS!!!